MODESTY AFTER MARRIAGE: HOW THE MODESTY MENTALITY KILLS LIBIDO & SELF-ESTEEM

You waited 20+ Years to get married to have sex, you wore clothing that covered everything but you head, you were a good girl and boy, yet far too often when we elope we get stuck in the good girl and good boy mentality and cant allow ourselves to give into our sexual selves... Your goal as a husband and wife is to plain and simply do everything in your power to make your spouse perv out over your you! wear something tight fitting, attractive, a bit on the revealing side, and of course seduce the living *%#* out of each other on a daily basis! Of course i know this now, and our marriage couldn't be any happier, but for a long time I as his wife couldn't grasp this concept...



How Modesty Made Me Fat

This isn’t a story about how modest clothes allowed me to “let myself go” and conceal a growing figure. It’s not even a story about how wearing modest clothes kept my self-esteem at rock bottom and thrust me into a too-close relationship with Ben & Jerry. It’s a story about how modesty doctrines impacted my mind, in ways that had real, negative effects on my body. Modesty was one of the reasons my defining relationship with my body became whether or not I was “fat.” Modesty was one of the engines that pushed me into a full-blown eating disorder. It’s not just a dress code: it’s a philosophy, and it’s one that destroys young women, mentally and physically.

Modesty taught me that I was always on display. There was no occasion in which it was acceptable to be immodest. Not the beach, not at the pool with friends, not in my own backyard (sunbathing was out because a neighbor might glance over and see me). This took my normal self-consciousness as a teenage girl and amped it up to an impossible degree. I once had a bee fly down my (acceptably loose) shirt and, in flailing around to get it out, had a family member comment that I’d just “flashed” my own grandfather. I was horrified for the rest of the week. That’s not normal. The normal order of priorities is getting dangerous animals out of your clothing first, and then worrying about making your own relatives perv on you second. Not so with the modesty doctrine. I should have let it sting me, apparently. Getting stung was the lesser risk.

Modesty was not just about dress. It was also about moving like a lady. Knees together, butt down, breasts in, arms down. It is impossible to get physically fit while adhering to ladylike movements only. You might be able to run, but only if you wear two sports bras to keep anything from jiggling inappropriately. You certainly can’t do anything with weights. In college, I had the chance to join a horseback riding team for a couple of semesters. I soon realized that staying on the horse required starting some kind of fitness regimen. In the gym, I found a couple of hip abductor/adductor machines that were handy for building the thigh strength necessary to grip the horse.

The problem? I was so embarrassed that somebody might walk in front of me while I was on the machine with my legs spread that I started going to the gym the moment it opened in the morning and avoiding exercise when men were present. In this instance, modesty was literally keeping me weak. Eventually, I grew comfortable enough with my own body to exercise without worrying about other people happening to look at me. Now, I do an exercise routine that would have scandalized my old self: squats, deadlifts, and barbell rows. I have so much more energy and my mood is so much improved – plus, I can move my own furniture! But I couldn’t have got to this point without dumping the modesty doctrine. Because I couldn’t concentrate on hauling iron while worried that some perv behind me might happen to glance my way and pop his gym shorts. That’s not my job anymore. I’m not responsible for men’s souls, because I no longer think of myself as an object to be looked at and evaluated.

Backing up to before I got to college, modesty contributed to my eating disorder. How? Because I noticed that the best way to keep men from staring at my ass was not to have one. Ditto boobs. The skinnier I got, the less womanly I looked, and the more “modest” I felt, until I was 25lbs underweight. I was perpetually “fat” in my own mind – because in my own mind, the only acceptable body type was an androgynous one – one that could not possibly provoke a man to lust. I’m sure I don’t need to explain why that was a bad thing.

 Modesty taught me that I was a decoration. Everything about my life was governed by whether or not a man was watching. How I moved and what I ate or wore all depended on the male gaze. Modesty taught me that nothing I did mattered more than avoiding sexual attention. Modesty made me objectify myself. I was so aware of my own potential desirability at all times that I lost all other ways of defining myself. I couldn’t work out or get fit without worrying about attracting men. I couldn’t relax my eating habits for a moment lest my shirts start to pull a little in the chest. I couldn’t grow like a normal human adolescent because staying slim and sexless was the biggest priority in my world.

When you argue that what’s modest and what isn’t is a valid concern for women, you tell them that their appearance matters most. You objectify them. You tell them that whether or not you are sexually aroused by their actions or their dress is more important than anything they want to do or wear. You tell them that they must, at all times, be thinking about you when they are making decisions about their own lives. That’s arrogant. That’s immoral.

If you think that, as a man, you can somehow argue “objectively” about what women should or shouldn’t wear and “win” a debate fair and square, let me remind you of a few things. If a man “loses” a modesty debate, nothing about his life changes. If a man “wins” a modesty debate, nothing about his life changes. But if a woman loses a modesty debate, the entire fabric of her existence changes. If a woman loses a modesty debate, she has lost whole areas of freedom in her life. She now has more things to worry about not doing so that men will not get aroused. There is no such thing as an “objective” argument in which the stakes are astronomical for one side and nonexistent for the other. Furthermore, by even accepting modesty as a valid area of concern for women, you have accepted a premise that defines women by their looks and objectifies them. Women have already lost the moment a modesty debate begins.

Modesty made me “fat” because it defined my relationship with my body in terms of appearance. Not action. Not gratitude. Not the joy of movement. Just appearance. It also defined my relationship with men as one of predator and prey. It was my job to hide from men so that their sex drive would lie dormant, like a sleeping wolf. But if that wolf ever awakened, it was not because it had been sleeping for a long time and its circadian rhythm kicked in, or it was just naturally hungry. It was my fault because I had done something to “bait” the wolf. Just by being visibly female, or by moving in “unladylike” ways. You cannot consider women full human beings unless you recognize that their lives do not revolve around the male sex drive. Modesty is a philosophy that dehumanizes. It incites constant fear and vigilance in one sex while excusing the other of all responsibility. It’s immoral.

How Being Overly Modest Destroys Our Femininity

Modesty is a lot of things, and it is primarily a way in which we show respect for our bodies and Heavenly Father. However, over the years, as I’ve attended Firesides, Girls Camp, Youth Activities, Sunday School, etc., I occasionally heard a different message. Modesty was my responsibility to make sure the boys around me were not tempted toward immoral thoughts or actions. Now that I’m older, I’ve started hearing it even more. This is simply unacceptable

Implying that a woman’s modesty is something to be done for the benefit of men and boys is a destructive message for several reasons. Constantly telling a girl that a man’s thoughts and actions are her responsibility is doctrinally incorrect. It also translates closely to the idea that it is a woman’s responsibility to maintain the sexual standards of a relationship.

For a long time, when I would hear these things, my mind couldn’t but help think that it was somehow my fault. I clearly wasn’t a very good person, or else I wouldn’t be having men say things like this to me. My value as a daughter of God was being degraded, and instead of demanding to be treated like a human being, I shrunk back, thinking I had been the one in the wrong.

Probably one of the most concerning aspects of this mindset is it is a form of victim blaming. Women at the receiving end of verbal, physical, or sexual assault are often asked “Well, what did you do to provoke him,” “Were you asking for it,” or, one of the most common, “What were you wearing?” Last I checked, when given the commandment not to commit adultery there was no addendum that said “Unless she was dressed like a slut, then it’s totally her fault, and you’re off the hook.” Someone once told me that when you are teaching women to change what they do to prevent being assaulted or raped, what you are actually doing is saying “Make sure he assaults someone else.” You are not fixing the real problem, which is the man’s problem. Men have to exist in the world where women will have a variety of dressing habits. All of these women all are deserving of respect, and if his thoughts or actions cannot be controlled, that is his problem.

I like dressing modestly. I like other people being comfortable around me. But the real reason I want to dress modestly is because for me, it is a way of looking forward to respecting the covenants I will make in the temple. When I get dressed, I ask myself, “If I was endowed, could I wear this?”  No offense, but as a woman whose figure is somewhere between a Greek sculpture and the women they used to paint on airplanes in WWII, and legs that go to Canada, certainly dressing modest is not hottest. But my choice in clothing is not about that, nor is it about a need to hide my body. As I said at the beginning, it is an outward display of an inward commitment, one that I would like to remind certain people they are supposed to respect, too. (Yes, I’m looking at you Mr. preacher who spends the entire summer in a cut out tank top or shirtless with hot abs, women lust too...) Modesty is an important principal, but it is not one that should be taught as a scapegoat for men’s responsibility.

Modesty during our youth may be understandable if kept to a healthy limit, but let’s cut the crap… Modesty after marriage goes out the window, we as women need to allow ourselves to dress a bit sexy at home and abroad, it not only betters our self-esteem but helps us grow sexually. Wear something tight from time to time, show some cleavage your husband will not only thank you, but you’ll thank yourself.

We Are Not “The Church Lady”

Being a Christian woman, one of the most irritating stereotypes that’s perpetuated is that we’re all like Dana Carvey’s SNL character “the church lady.” Sure, some of us are. But most of us are not. God created sex, and it’s obvious how much our culture LOVES (even idolizes) sex. One way Christian women can do a better job of reflecting God to the world is by having amazing, healthy sex-lives with our husbands, and not being afraid to talk about sex, tastefully. (And I have to admit, of all the ways we can reflect God to the world, having a healthy sex-life is probably my favorite.)

Embracing Your Sexuality & Not Feeling Guilty For It

Explore and OWN your turn-ons.

So there might be some turn-ons you personally have you might feel embarrassed about or ashamed of but BIG CHANCES are you’ll be surprised how many other people might share the same “embarrassing” turn-ons as you do! Communication is crucial. It is important that you feel comfortable enough to express your sexual desires in regards to what you like, what you are willing to try, and what you are absolutely unwilling to do with your partner to maximize sexual experience and pleasure and also to explore new ways to heat up your sex life. And say you come across some a**hole who thinks you are “too freaky” or thinks you are a slut for wanting to try those things. Never put up with someone’s let downs. You FIND somebody else who is going to be the lucky bastard that landed a beautiful woman and adores you for your own open mind and salivates at the fact you actually embrace your wild side and wants to explore it with you.

Your sexual pleasure is what YOU want it to be.

It’s your body, your temple. You’re in charge of your own sexual experiences. You’re the sex goddess here and YOU have the power to choose who you want to sleep with, who you don’t want to sleep with, or if you want to have sex at all. Regardless of what you want, do it (no pun intended) for yourself. Make your own decisions. NO ONE should ever be able to take that right from you; not your religion, not our own physical disabilities, and not ever your overbearing parents.

Ladies,

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend recently of men knowing women’s bodies better than women do. Women are not taking charge of their own sexuality. For all the talk about empowerment and abandoning shame, it seems that female sexual desire is still misunderstood at best and at worst denied and repressed.

Women are out of touch with their moods, their hormones and their desires. One problem is social conditioning that is making women feel “less of a woman” to crave normal heterosexual activities (being sexually dominated, feeling vulnerable, giving in to a strong man who loves her, being submissive). Feminism is teaching women that these feelings are both harmful and unnatural conditioning from the patriarchy and meant to oppress them. It couldn’t be farther from the truth. These feelings are meant to build partnership, connection and bonding. Men feel protective, loving and caring for a woman who needs him and who lets herself be vulnerable to him. We can not connect if we have walls up everywhere. Sex is about intimacy. I know you’ve been told sex is about power.  Sex can be used for power.  Advertising uses sex for power and control over shoppers.  Couples can use sex or withholding sex as a power tool to manipulate and control their partner.  But sex is not inherently about power.  People can use sex for power.  Sex, the true nature of sex is about intimacy.   Call it making love, call it fucking, call it whatever you want, but good sex, great sex, the kind of sex we all deeply crave is not about power, but about intimacy

Women Don’t Know Their Bodies Because We’re Ashamed To Show Them Off

I’ve described how women are out of touch with their hormones and out of touch with their emotions, and I’ve described how feminism is creating an environment that makes women feel shame and guilt about their biology.  Feminism diminishes the importance of femininity and female biology in it’s drive for equality, but when we erase our femininity we erase the heart and core of our nature.  Has no one told you how wonderful it is to be a woman? Have you never witnessed the power and wonder and beauty of women who love themselves as deeply as they love others and how that plays out in the world? It’s magical. It is romance. It is miraculous.  It is within you.

To claim your undeniable power as a woman you need to embrace your emotions, your biology, your intuition, your body and your sexuality. It’s not just about loving your body at any size and fighting to redefine beauty standards, truly loving your body means taking responsibility for it, listening to it and giving it what it needs.

To be truly empowered, you need to embrace your sexuality. To embrace your sexuality, you need to know your body.  You need to explore visually, tactilely. You need to learn what feels good, how your body responds, how to control your desires and you need to learn how to lose control. Yes, I’m telling you that you need to masturbate.  You need to masturbate alone at night, in the day. You need to masturbate int he dark and you need to masturbate in front of a mirror.  Not only that, you need to masturbate using only what God gave you: two hands and a delicious imagination.  Get rid of the the toys and vibrators.  Your have everything you need to get off, except apparently patience, but you can learn that.  After you masturbate, think about what turned you on, what felt good.  Would you be able to describe that with a lover?

Vibrators produce an unnatural stimulation.  Not only does it overemphasize your physical reactions giving intense physical pleasure but it gets in the way of you knowing your body. If you masturbate with a plastic toy, how will you know about the physical signs of your approaching orgasm? In addition to increased wetness, you will feel swelling, thickening, muscle contracting.  Knowing your physical reactions to desire and arousal are as important as knowing if you like tall dark and handsome or teddy bear built men.  Sex is one of the most exciting things we can do. We are all, every single one of us, capable of having sex and of feeling desire and reaching orgasm. Don’t you want to know how everything works and how to create that magic?

Vibrators also reduce your need for mental stimulation through fantasy because it provides such intense physical stimulation that it can build your sexual response faster than through fantasy alone. But fantasy is tremendously important for women.  Our mental arousal matches our physical arousal.  Not only that, but you can become physically dependent on your vibrator.   Just as men can become addicted to porn and struggle to maintain erections without a certain visual stimulus and specific physical touch that only he can replicate, so can women become addicted to the intense, rapid and unnatural mechanical stimulation of a vibrator.  Your mind is your biggest sexual organ.  Use it.

Our nature has given us everything we need to thrive.  We need to respect it, study it, embrace it instead of hiding from it, bulldozing it and medicating it. It’s time to fucking own it!

Your body. Your feminine body. Why have you rejected it? Why are you uncomfortable in it? For all the body acceptance campaigns I see, to me they look like body rejection campaigns.  We are not accepting our bodies when we normalize being unhealthy. We are not accepting our bodies when we insist that it be made square to hide our natural curves or when we parade topless for a protest! We are not accepting our bodies when we emulate the mannerisms of men to compete with them.  We are rejecting our bodies when we do not invest in our health. We are rejecting our bodies when we do not enjoy how we are made and use our gifts to express ourselves, engage with others and achieve our goals.

 

Your body is amazing. You should taking care of it.

Men, in general, seem more in touch with their physical selves. If they strength train or participate in sports they often find satisfaction in pushing their bodies to the limits, testing what they are capable of.  As men, their bodies are physically stronger and larger than most women. They use their bodies to protect, to fight and to build. Learn to know and use your body the same way, doing so will open the doors to unlocking your full feminine potential.

Sexual shame hinders women in far too many ways. It's a difficult beast to tackle, as it assumes so many nuanced, subtle forms in our daily lives. To be sure, some forms of sexual shame are blatant, but many of them are so deeply engrained that we scarcely even notice them.

 

Societal shame. Although the concept of women as independent, sexual beings is beginning to gain traction, there are still many people who hold "loose" women in low opinion. Many times, people who feel this way project a facade of concern. They'll say things like, "That girl needs to get some self-respect." Women are perfectly capable of deciding what to do or not do with their own sex lives. I mean, really, men have had this right throughout all of history. No man has ever been asked to "prove" their virginity before marriage in the same ways that women have. For centuries, it was expected that married men would have mistresses, and that unmarried men would have sex. The women they had sex with, however, ended up with bad reputations while the men got off scot-free. Unfortunately, this is still the case in many ways still today. 

 

Shame from family members. Many of us have been made to feel bad or ashamed about sex by our families. Maybe your parents are from a very different generation. Maybe they're highly religious. Maybe they're conservative. Maybe they're some combination of all of these things. If any of these are the case, your family might have some very...ah, specific and poignant opinions about sex. As such, it's important to remember that your parents' opinions are far from the ultimate truth. There are facts they just don't know, and you probably know better than they do when it comes to sex. Girls often deal with a heavier dose of shame from family than boys do. Many old-fashioned/religious/conservative parents feel they can shame their daughters into remaining "pure," only participating in acceptable kinds of sexual activity. The only kind of acceptable sexual activity for many such parents, however, involves a cisgender man and a cisgender woman having straightforward, vanilla sex under the sacred bonds of matrimony. You are not obligated to remain bound by this even though you may feel you are. You do not owe "purity" to your parents

 

 While Christianity might look down on the below outfits, I and a majority of women consider these outfits to be completely reasonable, showing a bit of sexy, yet modest still.