SEX AFTER BABY: WHAT TO EXPECT
I am perhaps the luckiest women on earth when it comes to having a husband who is patient, loving, and understanding about the struggles women go through after birth, struggling to regain sexual urges. Birth for me was rather traumatic (completely worth it and I love my babies) but traumatic, it took nearly 8 months before Brett and I stepped back in the sack and tried to get things going again. Fear was my primary hang up, Fear it would hurt, Fear I looked fat, Fear it would be awkward and difficult to maneuver, Fear that he would never look at me the same way again.
If I had one piece of advice from this experience it would
be this, to the ladies: you are your own worst enemy, trust your body, ease
into it, take baby steps, my husband finally got tired of waiting and presented
me with a rubber dildo (which shocked me being a good Christian girl), but it
helped, I was able to test out my own body to see if I was ready or not, to my
shock I was even more orgasmic, even more sensitive than I was before having
children.
Another issue I struggled with was weight gain, while my
husband would never tell me I had gained weight, I knew it, I felt it. For months
I used this as an excuse to avoid him, after 8 months of waiting we sat down
one day and we talked openly about my fears, my struggles, and my doubts, doing
so mad e me realize while my weight issue was understandable, it was not ok for
me to continue to use it as an excuse if I was not currently trying to fix it.
Ladies, based on my own experience, please speak with your husbands, while they
are patient they are not without needs, reassure them, love them, let them know
you’re working at it, ask for professional help if needs be. Ultimately you are
your own worst enemy, you are in control, you hold the power to both you and
your mans happiness.
Your job is to nurture and love your bundle of joy, to be a mother! But don't forget, you have a 2nd job as well, (your husband) the man your promised to be there for too, and just as with any job, if you don't show up for it eventually you'll only have the one job to worry about (AKA your fired/divorced)...
years ago, when I was six months pregnant with my first child, my mother had a conversation with me that changed my life. My mother explained to me that she had lost her own identity in motherhood. While in pursuit of being a good mother she forgot to be kind to herself. She asked me to always take care of my own needs first (a radical thought for a new mom) and she told me that the best gift that I could give my family is a whole mom: A woman that liked herself, knew herself and respected herself enough to experience her own life. This translated to weekly “me dates” where I learned to move away from all of my roles as wife, mom, business owner, etc. for a few moments. It meant that I had to get to know “me” and to think about my life. In the beginning I visited Barnes & Noble a lot, but as the years went on, I began to purchase tickets to my favorite speaking series or go for a bike ride.
Once upon a time, I was confident, I was cool, my clothes were clean, and my hair smelled good. It was easy to smile, easier to laugh. I think I may have even been fun. He liked being around me; moreover, I liked being around myself. Now as I sit here in this bathroom, the doubts grow larger and turn into self-loathing, and it is at this point that I wonder if I will ever be more than a mom ever again. Must I accept this new identity, and let that old girl who was so cool and carefree go, and spend the next few decades in a haze of halfhearted mommy moments?
Once upon a time, I was confident, I was cool, my clothes were clean, and my hair smelled good. It was easy to smile, easier to laugh. I think I may have even been fun. He liked being around me; moreover, I liked being around myself. Now as I sit here in this bathroom, the doubts grow larger and turn into self-loathing, and it is at this point that I wonder if I will ever be more than a mom ever again. Must I accept this new identity, and let that old girl who was so cool and carefree go, and spend the next few decades in a haze of halfhearted mommy moments?
When we think about identity theft, we think about an impostor posing as another person. Yet in motherhood, we are the imposters in our own lives. And it is the result of the admirable quality of wanting to give everything to our children. We forget the most important rule of self preservation: you cannot give long-term what you do not have. Also, you share more of who you are with your children as you connect with the woman you once were. Making the decision to end the “Silent War” is a decision that each of us has to make in our own time and season. We get to decide what happens in our own lives.
“Why don’t you go to the gym? Take a Class? Go out with your girlfriends? Get your nails done?” I do not want to do any of these things. I just want to want him . “Why don’t you love yourself?” I just want him to love me, to spend time with me, to tuck the kids in and devote his time and attention to me rather than the television. Why does it seem that I want to be farther away from him when I need him most?
Wait a minute… Why does it seem that I want to be farther away from me when I need me most? Why don’t I go the gym? Why don’t I take a class? Why am I not going out with my girlfriends, and why am I not getting my nails done? Could it be that the baby brain has gone viral and taken over my sense of self-esteem?
I look in the mirror and realize that perhaps he has had enough. As much as he loves me, he could never love me back into the person I was. As much as he could hold me, he could never embrace me enough. As much as he could compliment me, I would never hear enough to make it true for myself. I was looking to him to refill my empty tank after a full day of mommy hood. I was looking to him to validate, appreciate and initiate when I needed to be looking to myself. I need to be enough. I need to be whole and complete and able to fill up my own tank on the days when it runs on fumes.
But how?
A few days after the blowout, we are back to business. But this time I have made a promise. I did not promise I would never get frustrated or insecure again. I did not promise to be the perfect patient wife with a kiss and a clean home upon his arrival. No, I made a promise to myself. I made a promise to go looking for that girl, but I am not going to find her by going backward. The past has passed, and my experience with motherhood and marriage can bring about a deeper awareness of myself if I allow it. So I go looking forward, I go looking for the woman, and not the girl—the woman who is enough for herself and needs no validation to feel secure and valued in this world.
I go to the gym, but not to melt off the muffin top. I go to the gym to get away from the kids, turn my music up loud, and reconnect with my body. I go to the gym to feel more comfortable in this body that has birthed two amazing children and manages to keep up with them on a daily basis. I refill my tank by taking the time to put the energy into my body that equals what I give out.
I am enough. Yes, I am a mother and a wife, but I am also a woman. In my journey to discover my identity outside of my home, I found that all I need is within myself, and the compliments, care and compassion of others are an added bonus. No one knows how to treat me better than myself if I allow it, and there is so much strength and confidence in knowing that. At any given time when I run low on energy and come close to burnout or a blowout, I can now close this bathroom door, look into the mirror, give myself a great big hug, and love the woman I see before me. She is enough for her children, and she is enough for her husband, because she is enough for herself.
#1 thing that saved my libido after giving birth... KEGELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO THEM DAILY, DO THEM AT WORK, HOME, CHURCH, it will save your vagina, and make you drastically more horny.
Here are 5 Ways to Reconnect with Who You Are After Motherhood:
1. Create a weekly ritual that allows you some time alone. Select the same day and time of the week and schedule this time on an ongoing basis.
2. Ask yourself, “What can I do right now to make me happier?” Whether it’s being happier at home, at work, finding a new hobby or volunteering, your next step is to act on what you have realized.
3. Create a vision board of simple goals that you have for your life. Include your plans like graduate school, starting your business, losing 50 lbs from pregnancy or completing a 5k, for example.
4. Enjoy something that you did before you were pregnant like ride a bike or travel.
5. Join Social Media communities to connect with other women that you can relate with and that might have non-judgmental solutions to help you in your journey. .
Just say no. Say it with me... “I can’t volunteer to run the bake sale this time.” Say it, own it, live it. I promise you, if you utter those words, you will not die.
Just say yes. Rumor has it, men often lose interest in alone time after hitting a certain age. Turn him down time after time and I guarantee he’ll lose it with you much earlier. Just sayin’.
Prioritize. Listen, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be involved with the kids. Volunteering and running the activities show is a positive thing and helps connect you with the kids. But do you really think Groundhog Day requires individually-wrapped holiday gift bags filled with pencils and Punxsutawney Phil-shaped erasers?
Forsake all others. That’s right, it’s in the vows. Somewhere between sickness and health and richer/poorer, you agreed to forsake all others. While we think about staying faithful to our partner in the biblical sense, vows were about putting each other first. I’m not saying to neglect the kids, but they won’t exactly suffer by seeing their parents put each other at the top of the list, instead serving as relationship role models.
Stop making excuses. I know I can be the first to suggest skipping date night in order to save a little cash. But the price of dinner and a sitter is nothing compared to the cost of divorce. So put on some lipstick and get your butt out the door.
Our children need us to remember us.
It doesn’t mean that we jump on a plane and leave. Or that we throw in the motherhood towel of surrender. No. Because remember that picture of you in the mirror? Do you remember how beautiful that person is? Even if you don’t see it. And I know there are so many of you with a list of reasons why. So to you I’m telling you that for the next five minutes you are to not allow those doubts, regrets or mistakes have any definition on who you are now.
As a self-sacrificing mom, you spend a lot of time thinking about your kids. You put everyone else's needs before your own. This is good. It shows how big your heart is. But it's also draining to always be focusing on others.
As a wife, you get to focus on you. You're not just a mom — you're an adult. You're a woman. And as an adult woman, you deserve to be treated like one. Children just don't know how to do that. They only know how to treat you like a mom (e.g. asking you for help on homework). But your husband can treat you like an adult if you give him the chance.
It's true that your kids fill a special place in your heart, but hubby does too. The attention you get from your husband will nurture you in ways that your kids just can't. Taking time out for your husband gives him the opportunity to treat you like the unique individual you are, allowing you to feel special in your own individual way. Choose to feel loved not just as a mom but also as a strong adult woman.
The fate of the relationship rests in the wife's hands, the way she treats and interacts her spouse during this sexless transition will ultimately determine if the marriage is going to last or not.
's a few sites we found helpful in regards to first time parents.http://www.kveller.com/losing-my-sex-drive-after-having-kids-and-how-i-got-it-back/
Today’s goal should be to become a 100% pure MILF. You do know what a MILF is, right? Let me give you a brief description just in case... A MILF is the Mommy that all the teen boys go ga ga over. A MILF is the Mommy that other Mommys’ husbands sneak a peek to look at. A MILF is a Mommy that most Mommys can’t stand but secretly wishes to be like her. MILF stands for Mommys I’d Like to Fuuu... oh you get my point! So today, for those of you who need that bit of added spark in your ordinary routine, I’m going to help you become more like me! Ooooh, how fun, I LOVE helping out my Mommy Pals! Let’s get started...
- Show some skin. Yes my Darling, you read it right. You are not Mary Mother of God, for goodness sakes have some fun! Wearing sweatpants and a long sleeve T with a hoodie, no matter how colorful and coordinated it is, has NO sex appeal. None... Nada! And those leggings with a big shirt, are never, NEVER in style. It makes one look like cotton candy, you know, floaty, big on top, and a skinny holder at the bottom. Not a flattering look and NO it does not cover what you are trying to hide. Put on something fitted every so often, maybe a v neck with a favorite necklace. Be beautiful and be the sensual woman that you are and wear something flattering.
- Put on some lipstick. “But Caffe, it takes too much time!” I am not going to let you off the hook on this one. A little bit of sheer color added to those wonderfully, kissable lips can go a long way and it takes 30 seconds to apply. While you’re at it, add a stroke of a neutral color across your big, flirty, eyelids and top it off with a quick coat of mascara. Done. All in 5 minutes. Now go experiment and bat your pretty little eyes at the mailman or the grocery store clerk and see if you don’t get a smile from them.
- Put on something fragrant. I’m not suggesting that you spray an entire bottle of Coco Chanel to take your kids to the park, but I am encouraging you to smell pretty. It may be a wonderful smelling lotion, or a light perfume that reminds you of a hot night with the one you love. Hot, hmmm... heat or sexy?, your choice! The power of scent is as old as the “oldest profession” known to mankind. Well that’s an interesting thought!
- Colorful panties. Again, stop staring at the words like you don’t know what I’m saying and close your mouth. Come on girlz, it’s just soooooo much fun to wear sexy little undies that only YOU know about! Maybe share a peek with those who might be interested in what color you have on today. You don’t have to wear a thong if that’s not your thing... but DO wear something that makes you feel girly. I don’t care if you’re 62 years old. Have fun, be sexy, wear some fun leopard print and let your inner animal shine through!
- Attitude. That’s right. Another word for attitude, sex appeal. Sexy is good! A very close friend of mine says that to me all the time, and do you know what? It's true. Flirt, bat your eyelashes, put on sexy undergarments, and please remember, you’ve got one life to be who you want to be. We’ve all heard it before, you are what you believe y.
Signs Your Man Is Destined To Become A Craveable DILF
1. His sweater game is untouchable. The faintest whisper of chilly weather comes around and he has every kind of stylish-yet-masculine sweater he could ever need. (Special note goes to the shawl collar sweater and the half-zip cardigan, two classic Upscale Dad looks.)
2. He has an innate talent when it comes to both little kids and small animals. He just has this calming, open presence that lets small things know he is okay to crawl all over. He is liable to be found on the carpet at Christmas, being jumped on by a few nieces and nephews, and probably the family puppy. And he is totally game for it.
3. When it comes to holding babies, he is very careful, but always good at it. (And damn, does he ever look good with a tiny baby in his arms.)
4. His ability to romance a girl is second to none. Out on the town he is your sexy arm candy.
5. That being said, he looks just as at home when he’s in his pj's on the couch.
6. One of his signature looks is “it’s the end of a long day at work, so I’m rolling up the sleeves of my conservative button-down shirt to relax for a nice drink or meal.”
7. He is always good about calming you down and giving you a little pep talk when you’re getting too much in your head. He has this disposition that puts people at ease, and if he can handle some of your more consuming freak outs, he’ll be a natural when it comes to helping a kid with their scrapes and boo boos.
8. He is totally comfortable in his skin and confident with who he is. He doesn’t mind holding your purse or wearing a pink sweater or (eventually, you imagine) carrying a little girl’s Barbie backpack around all day so she can go play. He is game for a good tea party, and has no fear of “looking silly.”
9. People have a tendency to trust him. When he gives directions or advice or a recommendation for a good restaurant, he just gives off this vibe like “Yeah, you don’t have to believe me, but I’m low key right about everything.” And people tend to follow.
10. You can tell that even if it’s not right now, his eventual beard and/or salt-and-pepper hair game is one day going to be incredibly on point.
11. Fall as a season just becomes him. He never looks more in his element than when wearing one of his crucial sweaters and standing amidst a swirl of crisp, fallen leaves. You just want to snuggle up with him and drink some hot (spiked) cider as you watch the chilly autumn rain fall.
12. His Abs are a work of art, making even the youngest girls swoon.
13. He is very good about doing little chores, and can pick up after himself. When kids come around and are making a mess, you know he’ll be there to get crayon portraits off the wall and get the dirty dishes out of the sink.
14. He knows the staples of good male fashion. He can tie a tie. He will evolve into the business casual look of a classic DILF with ease.
15. He eventually wants a dog, and is most attracted to the majestic, his adorable children are his ultimate best friends, of course. You can picture him with a regal, goldeny-auburn dog and a cup of coffee, surveying his playing children. (The children are frolicking in a pile of leaves in this scenario, by the way.)
16. He is at ease in the kitchen, and even if he’s not a good cook himself, is always down to help you prepare or chop something. When it comes to getting the kids their veggies (and occasional dino nuggets) he will be ready to go.
17. Overall, he has a joy and appreciation for life that in some ways reminds you of a child. He is happy and optimistic (and can often make you see the brighter side of things), and you know that nothing is better when it comes to children than seeing the world in the appreciative, joyous way that they do. He will be on the floor building an intricate Lego castle with them, and love every minute of it.
18. His Penis is legendary, not too long, not too short, just right, just the sight of it makes you wet.
19. He's eager to go down on you, he knows he has skill, and doesn't have to be asked to use it.
20. He makes sex an experience, different every time. A true DILF knows his craft and the importance of preparing ideas beforehand.
Sex Tip: Make a Sex Date
Couples in long term relationships often complain about missing the passion and hot sex that they experienced in the beginning of their relationship. Sex becomes predictable and boring. Here’s why making a date to connect with your partner will keep your relationship juicy:- Putting a regular date on your calendar makes it a priority in your life.
- Planning the date builds up excitement and desire
- A sex date forces you to communicate about your desires. Is it a night for massage, a bath, or fantasy play?
- Successful dates start early in the day with some sexy texts or pictures.
Comments
Also, how did you manage to find the motivation to lose the baby wright? I'm still in a 3 year rut after having given birth time and time I try but cant continue long term.
After giving birth & denying brett sex for nearly 2 years my mother showed mebthis site, which rocked me to my core, it discuses how men feel when rejected time & time again, and how women who reject men regularly have basically given up their right to intimacy with their husband, & that the husband may putse sex outside the marriage if changes arent made. http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/03/19/would-you-be-fine-with-your-husband-having-sex-with-someone-else/
I completely understand your feelings of disgust they are natural/valid, but seek professional help if you really do love him, the longer you wait the further apart you will both grow. Me & Brett spent 8/12 first years in a sexless marriage, all because i ignored his needs, i never knew just how close he was to leaving me because of neglect. A great sex therapist is quoted as saying "I have a lot of people who come to my office who think that they are the virtuous people because they haven’t cheated. They have just been neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning, insulting, but they haven’t cheated. But betrayal comes in many forms. Betrayal is a breach, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. While it is always involved in an affair, in most cases it isn’t the motive of the affair. An affair may be about completely different things but it implies betrayal."
Our counselor posed a great and profound scenario to us both, about a couple who treated each other with love and care, respect and dedication, but one day one of the partners lost interest sexually, and for years shunned, ignored, and rejected all sexual advances from their spouse, the one person who was there to console, hold, and love, had instead decided that because they had no interest, the other partner was perverted and animalistic for having these urges, and needed to grow up and get over them. After years of trying to fix the issues and express the sadness and longing to love their partner, the 2nd spouse turned to cheating to fill the empty, neglectful, and sorrowful void that had been left by the spouse who had no interest.
so... which was worse? the partner who neglected? or the partner who cheated?
To me there was no right or wrong answer, both sides had broken their marriage vows, equally failing to live up to their expectations.
Brett and I sadly know this situation all too well, our first two years of marriage we awkwardly tried to do sexual things every few months, he would make advance weekly, but I always had an excuse, after 2 years of trying I went on birth control where my libido essentially dropped to 10% of its capacity, and for 7 long years Brett suffered as I pushed him away, thinking him to be an immature selfish monster who just wanted my body and nothing else, I too wished he would just grow up and suppress his manly urges.
After the birth of our second child my lack of libido continued due in part to both my own mental view of sex, and breastfeeding (which is known to minimize moisture and reduce horniness severely. Patiently he waited for me to finish the year of breastfeeding so that my hormones could return, but even when they did, my desire was not back (due to my own perceptions of sex, and my self confidence from my extra weight).
One night I stirred and looked over to see the bed empty, curious as to where Brett had gone I crept down the stairs & found the most heartbreaking image I have ever seen, Brett sitting on the floor against the wall, crutched over and sobbing into his hands. Until that moment I had never known just how powerful intimacy can be and is for men, that without it they feel abandoned, lost, completely and entirely alone and stuck in a marriage that offers no hope, no comfort, and no relief, every day he would cry that he could not have me, that if he was to leave he would still lose everything he had ever loved, his children, his wife, everything that had ever mattered. Even the thought of turning to porn for relief, or having an affair had little relief to offer, all he wanted, all he needed was me.
Brett made it clear that he could no longer live like this, torn in two every moment of every day, loving and adoring the woman of his life, the woman he had vowed to have and to hold, to cherish, to love, only to have me stomp on his heart every day by shutting him out, and by disregarding his marital needs for so many endless years, that all he ever wanted was to love me, to be loved fully by me, to have a strong and dedicated commitment to each other.
That day was my rock bottom, the day I realized I had broken my promises to love and cherish my husband, that I had let our bonds become weak, and failed to live up to my commitments. that was the day I changed, that was the day I put everything I have ever had into being the comfort and love he needed. Each relationship is different, each has its own roots of excuses or problems that need to be addressed. ADRESS THEM QUICKILY!!! do not let time pass, every day that passes is a day closer to your marriage crumbling in despair and resentment.
I might add, to those women who think sex is just something men use to "get off" or find pleasure in, its so so much more, sex is the channel wherein we are able to establish unbreakable bonds of love, respect, compassion, adoration, and so much more. Sex literally is the glue that ties us to you, without it we are vulnerable and alone.
I cant even begin to express the sadness that comes after years of daily rejection and dirty looks all because we want to feel close to our partner, the one person who was supposed to be our rock and our friend, sadly had become our tormentor. For years my days felt like a prison, a hell on earth so to speak, each more painful than the next, as emotional distress took over, everything in my world became numb to me, my relationships with friends and family became distant, I struggled to focus at any level in work, every night I would practically cry myself to sleep just hoping to feel close to my girl one more time before I died, and honestly I was open to death being in so much pain.
Ladies please don't underestimate how much your connection means to us, it is everything, literally EVERYTHING.
Brett you described it pretty accurately, it honestly feels as if a haze or a cloud covers every aspect of your life, you cant think straight, you can focus on tasks at hand in work or school, you cant maintain relationships with friends or family members since even when your with them your numb and somewhat indifferent to everything around you. Its like a slow and painful death honestly.
Its a frustration you wouldn't wish on even your worst enemies, such a simple desire to feel close to the girl you fell in love with, she is so close, yet so far away. I cant even count the nights and days where I too had to sneak away just to hunch over in a corner and weep like a baby out of despair, loneliness, and emptiness, having moved across the country away from everyone I knew and loved I needed her more than anyone to feel connected and glued to. You just hope that one day your partner can realize how much they are needed, and that the excuses (or actual problems) that are preventing the relationship from growing need to be addressed.
My advice also would be to determine the issue and address it quickly, the longer it lingers the more likely it is the marriage will fail, neglect really is just as bad as cheating (if not worse as it lasts longer), with cheating all trust is lost between partners, with neglect I don't know if the numbness and regret over years of opportunity lost will ever go away.
For almost a decade now I've pushed my husband away in similar manor, I need to do some in depth soul searching if I am to fix this :(
From my own experience I had no desire for sex, none at all! but I knew the importance it had on our family and with him, the first half dozen times I just forced myself to do it, each time I didn't want to, but once we started I enjoyed it completely and orgasmd every time. To keep my mind on it I did what a lot of women do and watched a short couples naughty video for about ten minutes and toyed with myself using vibrators and tiny dildos, the first month I did it alone, but after a month or two I started letting my husband join me. It has since then become kind of a nightly routine, a good way of reminding ourselves not to let things go too long.
We all have different issues, but the key is not to let them remain issues, If your in pain or disgust see a doctor or psychiatrist, if your ashamed of your body then then exercise daily and diet, if your tired find ways to have energy, if your not in the mood put on a short video to get in the mood. Problems are only problems if they remain problems, issues after birth are completely natural and to be expected, the key is not to let them linger for too long.
Brett and William, thank you for lending us your opinions as well, I think we as women tend to forget just how special the bond is that is created through intimacy, I had no idea men could experience so much pent up sexual frustration and sadness, now it makes sense why so many husbands act the way they do when with women who shut them out.
I increased by sex drive by increasing my desire for myself. By that I mean I made myself more appealing/attractive to myself in the mirror. I dyed my hair, wore make-up, and picked out clothes that made me appealing to my own self. It really increased my sex drive. :)
It also helps to let him know a few things that might help- chip in around the house, little romantic gestures, non-sexual physical contact throughout the day, making sure you get time away from the baby... I recently had a talk like this with my husband and for the first time in a long time, he's leaving notes on the bathroom mirror, grabbing me for kisses as we pass... and taking a shower before bed. :-)
wear sexy lingere.
When you go to bed, if you husband is in the mood, ask him for a back massage- keep oils near the bed. It'll either put you to sleep, or, for me it helps me warm up to the idea of having sex. Foot rubs work too
Organic soy really helped get things wet again,
Some good ideas on natural libido increasers
Assume nothing, make sure your communicating where you are physically and mentally, if not even the strongest marriages will crumble.
I think its important that we as guys recognize these continuing changes and do our absolute best to understand and patiently wait for her body to adjust. Having said that there are a ton of things that women can be doing to regain their libido even while breastfeeding. What it comes down to is both sides being patient, both sides putting in the effort to help her libido return, and both sides communicating how they are feeling, and what they are struggling with. Lets be honest guys, a few months of sex (while frustrating) isn't gonna kill us. give them the time they need (within a reasonable time frame).
I think the guys above (including myself) struggle so deeply because the issue has been there far beyond the time since birth, in my about case 5 years, with many others lasting over a decade. obviously children change the way some couples maintain relationships, some are able to pay attention to each others needs, some simply forget how and never reconnect, putting all focus and efforts on the children instead. hopefully those early in marriage can learn before the relationship crumbles.
I think for couples whose relationship is rotting away from neglect there needs to be a recognition of causes by both sides, its never completely one sides fault (though often its 90% our fault in all honesty) so we need to be willing to recognize these causes and address them promptly. If either side is unwilling to adjust their destructive behavior and replace their neglect of the partners needs with love and care, they might as well sign the divorce papers then and there, that or find counseling on how to cope in a marriage that has no future of being romantically connected as it should be.
I also agree with you on the length of neglect having a big role in how severe the situation is. men whose wives have been sexually involved for most of the marriage should be able to patiently wait for up to a 4 months or even a year as you mentioned, but for partners who have been sexually neglected already for 3+ years by their spouse it is absolutely devastating, having to add a whole added year to the neglect. I think in these scenarios the walls of despair and resentment are built so highly and deeply that the partner abandons all hope they will ever be able to be close to their partner again, it really does feel just as bad as a partner cheating on them. I was barely able to reach Brett after 10 years of neglect, it took all but two years for me to break down his barriers and walls and for him again to trust me and realize I was still the girl he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
So many women think that they can just flip the switch after years of neglect and their man will instantly be reconnected, but in previous comments Brett (and I think William) mentioned how deeply the scars of neglect go, it cuts men in a way we women can never understand, causing them to live life dazed and numb, destroying all levels of self confidence and ability to maintain relationships. These issues will not and can not simply be cured over night, if at all!! Trust me when I say that I know from experience, that it would have probably been easier for him to be cheated on, than be ignored for 10 years. It was almost too late for us, we survived, but just barely. Even now he still has yet to regain the confidence and personality he once has, our counselor mentioned that often men become indifferent to everything as a way of copeing with the pain they deal with when ignored.
Fix it now and fix it often! both sides are guilty to some extent, be honest with yourselves and eachother!!!
As a female i think its important to realize how mentally tramatic it is when we fail to make ourselves available sexually. I mean, how would we feel if after 5-10 years of marriage our man never did romantic things for us other than maybe a few times a year? It would be devistating! I wouldnt feel connected at all! I wouldnt care when he did try and romance me, my trust and patience for him would be gone, i would feel so indifferent towards his needs or emotions that we really wouldnt even be a couple anymore. This is essentially what happened to us when i shut him out entirely from sex. So both genders need to do their part to meet the gender specific needs.
Although christian, i'd honestly say if your partner isnt willing to change or make themselves available romantically or sexually, its time to discus change refardless of lifes duties. If it requires you to quit your job, drop hobbies, drop school classes, drop family events, you need to do it, the marriage always comes first. If one side isnt willing to change you may want to consider an open marriage where those needs can be met, otgerwise divorce is right around the corner. Some guys are noble & will stick around, but dang they will be a miserable wreck the rest of their lives.
Ask your partner to go down on you and bring you to the brink of orgasm. Some women are extra sensitive after they cum, so fucking him right after he eats you out isn’t the best idea–unless he stops before you orgasm and then penetrates you.
Start the foreplay hours before you see him by sexting. If you share dirty photos and thoughts throughout the day, you’ll be horny AF by the time you actually see him.
You’re allowed to touch yourself, you know. During foreplay, rub your clit or play with your nipples if that’s what turns you on. Do whatever you need to do.
Our marriage has been fairly sexless for 7 years, I do everything for our marriage, everything, providing, working, cleaning, even cooking more often than not. I go above and beyond to try and be her romantic prince. on average we have sex once or twice per year if I'm lucky. usually what happens is she get pregnant, shuts down completely, gives birth, and for 18 months breastfeeds (killing 100% of her sex drive), then after having sex once or twice out of duty she wants more, its a never ending cycle of kids and sexless love.
Is it wrong of me to tell her no? that for 7 years she has shut down our entire relationship so that she can be a mother? If I don't put my foot down, I may never get my wife back... theres not going to be a family, if she keeps trying to grow what we already have! she cant honestly expect to neglect me for 7 years and think its ok to start the cycle all over again!
I go above and beyond to take all the stress, errands, chores, or household duties off her plate, all while maintaining a full time job. Hoping that by doing this she will make 15 lousy minutes for the man she vowed to have and to hold, to love and to cherish. She plans on breastfeeding the baby until he's bout 2 years old, meaning my wife will have no desire to love or touch me in any way shape or form. She also wants to then start trying to have another child... Like Alex said, the cycle begins again. neglect in its purest form. she's lucky I haven't already left her, she's lucky I have had the strength not to cheat, she's lucky I give her any love or affection in any way. I am so grateful for all she does and has gone through to bring our child into this world, and understand the burden and stress it places on her. but she has lost herself to motherhood, and completely replaced me.
We haven't been on a date in 4 months, I've lost both a lover, companion, a friend, but most of all my wife. the person who means most to me in this world. Nothing is as painful as waiting for her to come around again, knowing that when she finally does she will start the neglect all over again with another child. how can I possibly want to continue a life with this woman? its not that I don't want to grow our family together, I truthfully do, but if bringing more children into the world is going to lead to a divorce.... well... I don't know if I have it in me to give her more.
If I were in your shoes I would not give in until she shows major change (as in all the reasons for withholding sex have been addressed, and steps have been taken to fix them, her weight and health need to be in good standing so that it doesent surpress her libido entirely).
Its simply not fair to ask any spouse to wait for 2 years (or even a year) while they ignore you to tend to a baby, its downright cruel and void of love. To knowingly tell your spouse that as soon as this sexless cycle ends (from being a mommy/breastfeeding) that within a few months they plan on starting that sexless cycle for another 2-3 years is unfathomable. How can any good woman expect a man to stick around when they are ignored for so long, knowing full well they intend to start ignoring them again as soon as they give birth again. You cant have a sexless marriage 9-10 out of 12 years and think their spouse will be happy or still love them...
I know so many great mothers who are dedicated to their children, but who have the mentality of "once they grow up and go off to college we'll have time for each other again", as my husband pointed out, by the time we reach that point, having been ignored for decades, his heart would be so broken, so filled wit pain, lack of trust, full of resentment, and void of love for someone who had abandoned him, and his body would be starting to not function well, that even if we then had time together he would want nothing to do with me.
We cant ignore our spouses and simply think they'll be there when we're ready for them, our vehicle of love, trust, connection cant run on an empty tank. anyone who thinks otherwise is setting themselves up for despair.
To simply think though we can continue to breastfeed our baby for over six months, a year, even two plus years in some cases, is absolutely absurd!!! breastfeeding destroys all libido, it decreases our desire to be with or even be around our husband. to think that we can simply ignore them for a year or two while and then return as if nothing happened is insane. My husband finally opened up to me after our third child as to why he was so distant and uncaring about my needs anymore, I had never realized just how damaging my behavior was from the side effects of breastfeeding each child for 1-2 years each.
I'm sorry mothers, but choosing to breastfeed your child for anymore than 6 months is not in the childs benefit, and not in your marriages benefit. a child needs a healthy marriage to be brought up into and raised with nurture and love. choosing breastfeeding long term over your marriage sends a clear and concise message to your spouse that his needs do not matter from this point forward, that his needs and your ability to connect with him, love him, or even tolerate him are not important to us.
Breastfeeding is amazing, it is healthy, it is love. But when abused it destroys relationships, please don't think that we can just turn our marriage on and off like a light switch and think the love will return. He's not an idiot, he knows when you are choosing to be a mother over being a wife, the trust and promises we break during this time can rarely if ever be repaired. Take it from a someone who knows from experience, once you put being a mother above being his spouse he will never forget it, that bond of trust and need for each other will be gone, it is if we have cheated on him with our own child.
Is there anything anything extra special he can do to help you get in the mood? A foot massage or back rub? More foreplay/snuggling/cuddling/smooching? Is there a time of day he'll be more likely to get lucky? (You might feel refreshed in the morning...or maybe nighttime is the righttime.)
I suggest:
-Copious amounts of artificial lubrication.
-Porn. (Though this isn't for everyone and I'm making NO CONFESSIONS HERE! lol)
-Doing it once a week to make him happy might lead to actually wanting to do it once a month. (There's a "the more you have it the more you want it" theory.)
You'd rather put dishes away or floss your teeth. Understandable. As long as you can't say you'd rather have your eyes dug out with a hot spoon or be run over by a truck, you're not a lost cause and probably don't require therapy.
There are also a lot of books for couples with suggestions...perhaps you could find one that suits you. If you know it's going to be something different each time, that might help.
Good luck.
when dh takes the toddler so I can rest
when dh does the dishes
when dh cooks or takes me out to dinner
when dh cleans the bathroom
when dh offers to rub my back rather than complaining about how tired he is and begging me to rub his
when dh actually does the housework he says he'll do
when dh doesn't hit the ceiling if I want to buy a new shirt
when dh gets up with a very awake baby who wants to play at 4 am.
Get the idea?
You're swamped, you're stressed, you're exhausted, and your hormones are *trying* to keep you from having another one just yet.
Your sex drive will return. Watch out when it does! I really wanted sex at about 15 mo. postpartum. Even though I had been a willing but not otherwise thrilled partner before then (no, dh still doesn't get that the above list will work when all else fails), I only got to really enjoy sex once. Now, we have ds. Sigh.
From a husbands perspective having gone through many cycles of patiently being ignored as she tends to breastfeeding our child and dealing with low libido/no desire to be around me as a husband, I wanted to add my perspective.
I think as has been said above, women need to realize that yes, being a mother is a wonderful gift, and amazing responsibility and opportunity to grow closer as a family. But with this comes the danger of losing yourselves and your spouse as you become so wrapped up in raising our child that you neglect both you, me, and us… I think it’s important for you to realize that if you chose to behave in this manor, if you chose to spend all your time, attention, love, compassion, towards our child, your husband (and relationship) will never be the same again without serious and dedicated efforts after breastfeeding to repair your marriage.
As a husband who has been cut off from affection, cut off from dates, cut off from cuddling, intimate kissing, or even meaningful time together, let me issue this warning: YOU HAVE STEPPED OVER THE RED LINE, you have abandoned the love of your life, you have broken your marriage vows, you have belittled and ignored our needs to the extent that we no longer consider our marriage a marriage, it is a partnership, a servant like relationship. Your relationship Is dangling perilously over a jagged cliff, You have cut and wounded your spouse so deeply that they may never be able to trust or love you the same way again (meaning they have been neglected for so long that they can’t be tied to your needs, to put effort into doing things you care about, to be there for you when you’re down, to be the one you rely upon for strength). You have jeopardized your marriage for your child, the quote above stuck out to me “you’ve cheated on me with our child”. Nothing is as painful as living for months and years with someone who thinks they can just ignore us when they want, and then expect to reconnect when it’s convenient for you.
IF YOU ACTUALLY THINK THINGS WILL GO BACK TO THE WAY THE WAY BEFORE AFTER SUCH CARELESS AND LOVELESS TREATMENT YOU ARE FOOLING YOURSELF… If you ever want your mans heart to belong to you again it’s going to take some serious dedication, you HAVE TO REBUILD THAT TRUST, he has to see in you an earnest and honest desire to connect with him, not just sexually, but as an equal, as a lover, as a friend, as the woman you vowed to be when you married him.
Ladies your husband is not just some hobby that can be used when it’s convenient for you, I urge you to begin now with a plan on how you intend to repair the marriage vows you’ve broken, to come up with ideas on how you can go above and beyond to make him feel loved and wanted again, if you’re not willing to rebuild your husband after ignoring him for years or months after giving birth and breastfeeding, to dedicate yourself to rebuilding the marriage you’ve destroyed, please do him a favor a let him go, let him find someone who will love him unconditionally, who won’t only love him when it’s convenient for them.
If you are one of these mothers who can breastfeed your child I think its a wonderful thing, but as he said, it comes to a point where youre breastfeeding the child for yourself, not for the childs benefit.
If you ever plan on winning your husbands heart back, if you ever want him to dedicate himself to youre "so called marriage" you need to understand you've burned a lot of bridges, his trust in you is comparable to that of someone who just cheated on you. If you don't have some grand plan/scheme to win us back, our marriage will consist of nothing more than us being roomates for the rest of our lives.
Well written words "abandoned Husband", you were able to put into words what so many of us can not.
It seems like almost daily I get emails from women wondering why their husbands don't want to touch them anymore after giving birth and breastfeeding for over a year, and why they seem so distant and unwilling to love them back. my questions and received answers are generally the same for each situation:
AFTER GIVING BIRTH AND WHILE BREASTFEEDING:
How often did you tell him you loved him? once or twice a day.
how often did you do something to show him you loved him? once every month or two
how often did you let him hold/cuddle you? once every few months.
how many times did you reject his advances? 100's of times.
how many times did you have sex in the past year? once or twice (grudgingly).
how many times per week did you avoid him intentionally so he wont try and make a move or try and cuddle? 12-15.
how many minutes per day did you give him attention? (not including while doing chores, putting the baby to bed, etc.) just alone time. a few minutes per day (if at all).
how many times per day did you kiss him? morning and night.
how many times per month did you passionately kiss him? once or not at all.
how many times per week did you ask if he was ok? once or not at all.
what % times did you spend your only free time with friends or family instead of going on a date together? 95-100%.
how many dates did you go on alone as a couple. 1 or 2 max.
how much % per day did you put being a mother ahead of being a wife? 95-99% of the time.
DO WE NOTICE A TREND HERE?
how is he supposed to react after a years of being ignored and unwanted? we cant think of our love as a button we can just turn on and off, we cant go months, a year, or even years ignoring our spouse and think that they will come back to us as if nothing had ever happened. When someone breaks your heart its not going to heal itself, I think what "abandoned" said about making a plan soon is desperately vital if you want to make your husband fall back in love with you again. take it from me, it took a full year or more until Brett was able to again trust me, it took me putting in maximum effort for him to again trust me and want to be my husband. It took me planning frequent romantic dates, sincerely talking with him daily about how he was doing, frequently kissing, holding, or just smiling at him to let him know I cared, it took sex multiple times per week (with me being enthusiastic, initiating it, putting on my big girl panties and being a bit slutty from time to time), taking care of myself, my weight, my mental health and well being. Until he saw these changes in me his walls remained up and unable to reciprocate because of so many years of pain and neglectful abuse on my part.
One thing that she suggested is for each person to sit down and write a list of all the things their spouce does/did that made them feel loved/special/warm & fuzzy. Then share the list with each other and really try to do at least one thing off the other person's list every day. Because chances are, your dh does just miss sex. He also misses feeling special, close, warm & fuzzy.
As for sex....we have tried to set 2 days a week when I will comply. I picked Wed. & Sat. My dh knows that on those days he gets to have sex. And it helps me because I know he won't try to every day. Also, has he read any aritcles about the hormonal changes in nursing women and the benefits of extended bf? If not, find some articles for him to read so he knows this is NATURAL.
If it is painful I would ask your dr. about estrogen cream. It made a HUGE difference for me. And then in addition LOTS of astroglide. I still have NO desire and it really is a chore to me (like cleaning the bathroom), but just like cleaning the bathroom...it needs to be done.
As for weaning for your dh's benefit. I know that if I weaned before my child was ready in order to be more sexually available to my husband I would regret it for the rest of my life and I would feel a great deal of anger, resentment and disgust toward my husband (and myself).
If he/you still need help feeling like your marriage can/will/should survive go see a counselor. I know it can be really expensive, but divorce is worse!
Best Wishes!!!!!!!
Its vital for her to get back to doing things that make her feel like herself, pursing hobbies, pampering herself, having time to relax daily and clear her mind and prioritize her wants and goal. Without this she'll never be able to find balance in her family and marriage.
Breastfeeding studies seem appealing, but over the years these studies are completely contradictory and biased. while some studies showed minor health benefits, others found none or contradicted each other. Many of the top reasons for breast feeding such as building of immune systems, allergy prevention, higher IQ's, etc, all are based off of unsupportive data, more often than not these tests were done amongst children of different countries (obviously different circumstances will influence these) such as poverty, time, availability, genetics etc). These studies when repeated amongst siblings and babies of the same country have almost no change in affect at all when comparing formula to breastfeeding.
And yet: the message that “breast is best” has permeated parenting circles and the American medical establishment. The American Academy of Pediatrics—and many OBGYNs and pediatricians—recommends that mothers breastfeed for at least a year.
I think most mothers are coming around and discovering that this is absolutely false... 6 months YES! but any more than that offers little to no benefits for the child, its all in the mothers mind.
Observational studies on breastfeeding merit skepticism, because they all suffer from the same major problem: breastfed infants on average differ from formula-fed infants not just in how they are fed in infancy, but in practically every other possible way–maternal education, maternal IQ, poverty, neighborhood safety, exposure to environmental toxins, race, and type and quality of childcare.
I for one will not risk losing my husband to breastfeeding when the studies are so biased and contradictory, and since I've seen no difference in formula feeding vs. breastfeeding in my own children.
at least that's the way our doctor explained it to us haha...
I think its perfectly normal to go sexless those first 6 months or so, its a big adjustment period, but any longer than that and she is risking your marriages long term health! as has been pointed out, breastfeeding past 6 months just doesn't have the same benefits as it does early on, studies have recently come out verifying pro breast feeders over exaggerated the studies. typically what happens is the mother enjoys so deeply the bond that comes from breastfeeding and says "hey our baby needs this" when in reality no it doesn't, she's the one that wants to keep needing to do it, its become an addiction loving our child in this way. (which is perfectly natural also).
Here's the catch in my mind, as has been pointed out the longer she ignores his need to connect, the more she damages the long term relationship together, its been 4 years since I finished breastfeeding and my husband still has yet to regain the love he once had for me. When you willingly chose breastfeeding over him you are sending him a clear and direct message that he is not needed nor valued. I expected him to be all over me and be all cuddly. WRONG... he wanted nothing to do with me, I had rejected him in the deepest most intimate sense, he no longer trusted me, desired me, it really was as if I had cheated on him :(
Be prepared to mend some serious fences if you go past 6 months...
It's just not fair that so many women today who breastfeed feel so entitled to do whatever they please and shut out their partners from all affection. How on earth can a man be expected to function in any sense when the love of his life has rejected him in anyway for up to a year. My wife not only refused to even discus sex, but hated even being around me! I went above and beyond to do daddy and husband duties to make her life easier and pull my weight in the family, but every time I came home she would leave to get away from me, I'd ask to go on dates and she'd say that would be nice, but every time we made time she came up with an excuse, a few of the times I later discovered she had ditched me to go shopping with her mother... I tried to kiss her and she'd shrug it off, all I ever got in return was her saying I love you. this continued for 14 months as she breastfed.
you cant seriously expect any man woman or child to ever feel the same about their partner again after being so carelessly rejected, ignored, and neglected. She had broken me as a human being, my heart, my mind, I simply couldn't behave or thin like a rationale human being. She tried romancing me, but she had just wounded me too deeply, she'd burnt so many bridges and had lost my affection. She still continues to try and connect, but I honestly don't know that I want to anymore.
its been commented on a hundred times, but its so true, ladies if you aren't prepared to love the hell out him (dating, sex, romance) after you snap out of your sexless drive syndrome and want to be around him again, you had better be prepared to give 1000% to make up for the pain you've willingly caused on your spouse. You've broken his heart and your marriage vows in every way shape and from, it is just as bad as cheating on him, he's not going to just be all lovey dovey again without extreme effort, planning, and romance.
It's one thing to lose your wife during this period due to lack of sex, but when you shut him out entirely, and refuse to date him, spend time with him, or even be his friend, you may as well sign the divorce papers now, cuz he's never going to be the same again after being stabbed in the back.
It really did take putting in maximum effort on my part to win his heart back, home cooked meals, regular loving surprises, gentle massages and relaxing surprises at home, surprise date nights, really putting in effort to do things with him that he enjoyed, frequent kisses, hugs, telling him how much I loved him, showing up at work and closing his door so I could passionately kiss him, talking dirty to him, being super seductive, eventually he opened up and trusted me enough again to be sexual, but I could tell his heart still wasn't in it fully :_(
2 months ago I tried that "call girl role-play" idea Brett and Whitney talked about and let my sexy freak out, I knew that if I went above and beyond sexually he would appreciate the effort and hopefully begin to rebuild the bridge I'd torn down between us emotionally. I owed him big time and sure enough it was just what he needed to reconnect and feel wanted again :) I think seeing me put in maximum effort and enthusiastically make sex a priority really helped him become vulnerable enough to rebuild our relationship. Sex isn't the only thing on his mind, and isn't the only thing that matters to him, but without it men simply cant connect with us.
another thing our doctor almost insisted we do together is exercise, having that little pooch really hampered my desire to get back in bed, and by daily cardio together, and by lifting weights twice a week for 30 minutes we both found ourselves in the best shape of our lives, it sent our sex drives through the roof seeing each other so sexy, and I think the added self confidence allowed my mind to finally be at ease and think sexually again.
Each couple and relationship is different, but my advice would be for couples to honestly open up and express their needs and frustrations after she gives birth, or when she is breastfeeding. If she isn't putting in effort to maintain the marriage outside of being a mother and a partner it is going to be a long and painful road ahead to rebuild that damaged love.
I hope the younger new wives recognize that our choice to breastfeed is essentially a death sentence for his needs, his confidence, his happiness, and his love/bond with you. I too agree breastfeeding needs to end at 6 months, or at least begin weaning them off. The marriage just isn't worth dying for a substance that has very few benefits over formula after the 6 month mark.
Just a few suggestions that helped me win his heart back and restore his trust in me... As has been mentioned, you'll have to go above and beyond to win him back, it may even take a year or two. For me things that helped was obviously the basics, cooking for him, taking care of the chores, tending to the kids, frequent hugs, kisses, telling him how much I loved him, these are the basics, without these don't bother even trying to win his affection, these are things we should be doing anyways.
NOW FOR THE IMPORTANT STUFF! I took time every single day to research ideas on how to be romantic for him, to be sexy for him, things I could do to surprise him (sexually and non sexually). I basically made a computer document with copy and pasted ideas from books, articles, and forums/blogs such as this one, this has been a great go to helper to better our sex life. I know a lot of women think studying about sex is silly, but realistically sex just doesn't happen by itself when you have a new baby, if its not planned, written down, and archived away we will likely forget to use it and use our husband.
My top go-to techniques were: leaving him love notes, surprising him with amazing dirty hotel sex monthly, giving him money to bring me lingerie shopping and putting on a show in the dressing room ;) car sex, publically letting him finger me with no underwear (discreetly of course),using the every other day method (spouses swap days surprising their spouse romantically), bought multiple garters (men love them), gave him quite a few wake up bj's, loud sex/dirty talk sex, 20 minute lapdances/strip teases, I became a flirt again, I was energetic and enthusiastic about sex, I even let him give me a facial and swallowed his cum for the first time (it actually tasted good) ;) warm cuddles in bubble baths, massaging him after a long day, PDA, planned sex in great detail, met him at the door in the nude, roleplayed and begged him to do me harder than he ever had (which was soooooo hot and orgasmic).
It really does take a full blown effort to win him back, its as if you need to make him fall in love with you all over again. but it does get better, sex drive will return. :) god bless all!
I'm also impressed that so many women are owning up to their choices and re-investing in their relationship after shutting down the relationship almost entirely to tend to the child.
it also really impresses me how many women are diligent at studying, researching, and surveying online articles and blogs about how to make love making better. I've tried to encourage my wife many times but she thinks it silly and wants to just go with the flow, which would be ok if she wasn't so apprehensive and inexperienced with her lack of sexual knowledge. Its just like any other course, if you don't put in the time you wont know what you're doing, and when you don't know what to do you get stressed, when stressed sex is no fun, when no fun you don't want to do it.
just my opinion.
Having done thorough research I for one am a huge breastfeeding advocate, every healthy woman who can breastfeed should, the benefits are substantial and really does help the child develop over the first 6 months of life, in our case our son was born premature so we breastfed him for 18 months as should all premature children. The confusion and misconception of breastfeeding has been that women assume that all babies then need to be breastfed this long. While the benefits of a premature baby are significant over formula, normal babies only have a minimal comparison in most every aspect (less than 1%). I think this is where the frustration develops often times, from a male perspective we think "are you really going to break your marriage vows so that our baby can be .005% less likely to get a cold? or have a .004% chance of having a higher IQ? I think its important for women to understand when its appropriate to cut the chord, at some point the breastfeeding its for them and not the baby...
Our wives need to understand that when you choose to breastfeed past 6-9 months you are clearly and knowingly stepping over the red line, you have willfully chosen to put our child before our marriage, and before us. As has been pointed out by both women and men many times, this isn't something that you come back from easily, you have sent a clear and defiant message to your spouse that you do not care about their needs, their need to connect with you, or about yourself either. He will never trust you again, or maybe even fully love you, if you don't make it up to him BIG TIME, many of my guys friends say that when their wife makes this choice their connection and bond to them is even less than the day they first met them, its a dangerous and painful place to be for any man and couple.
Furthermore I think its important for women to realize that while it may be ok to briefly put sex off the table, when you choose to ignore him as a person by avoiding him, spending time with others and minimal alone time with him, and overschedule yourself so deeply that you cant continue to date and grow together, you had better damn well get the divorce papers ready, because you have cut off all ties (both physical, emotional, mental) with him, HE IS ALONE, vulnerable to cheating, vulnerable to resentment and anger, divorce or a loveless marriage is in your sights if you don't make up for it once breastfeeding ends and your desire to be close to him comes back. you cant expect to give up intimacy, romance and sex (which makes up 70% of a good marriage) and then also give up dating (the other 30%) and not have it destroy the marriage, its just not realistic. and to expect men just to wait in pain and then come back to you like a lightswithch when you're ready (as if nothing happened) is just not going to happen.
I truly believe that men and women need to sit down and talk about your feelings at this moment, you need to put yourself in each others shoes and try to understand why we feel the way we do, ask each other what do you expect me to do right now, if you were in my shoes what would you do?
My wife and I had this conversation at this time (10 months) when we had our 3rd child (not premature) and basically laid out the fact that she had chosen to put our
marriage on hold for the kids, she ignored me, showed no love other than to say I love you and kiss me, made no time for dating, and needed to understand that I had last all trust, connection, and desire to love her back. Once she understood the risks she was taking I asked her what was I supposed to do now, did she expect me to just wait? Was she ok if I gave into temptation and cheated since she was choosing to break her vows as well? How do you plan on building our marriage back up after ignoring it for so long? What can we do now to ensure when breastfeeding ends that we don't have to wait months longer because of weight, insecurity, biological/psychological issues that may prevent you from loving me completely.
We started by addressing all of her hang ups that had prevented us from having a quality love life, I took time to remove stress from her daily do lists so that she could make time to pamper herself, stay fit (lets be honest, we will still love you equally if you are fat, but we wont have the same attraction to you, same goes for us), we made sure we dated weekly, talked about planning romance and why romancing me was going to be critical to me ever loving her again, discussed sex and how often we both expected to have it, discussed biological issues that may prevent us, and where we can go to get checked/steps to fix it. basically we set up a sure proof plan on how to get our love life and connection back. Don't underestimate the need for communication and planning, it may very well save your marriage.
So my wife & I are just sexually dead. the first 2 years of marriage sex occurred maybe 4ish times per year. Same with year 3 when we moved in with her parents for a year. we had a great 3 month period where we had sex twice a week while trying to have a baby, but since then we've had sex twice since last valentines day (2016)... Our baby is 10 months old and her hormones just haven't kicked back in (which supposedly they will when she stops in a few months). so essentially spent 6 years without intimacy in our relationship, I am dying, and when I say dying I mean dying, our relationship is on the verge of falling apart, I've been rejected for so long that I honestly don't even want to be touched by her anymore, my brain has been conditioned for so long that I'm not good enough for her, and that she doesn't need me, that even when she tells me she'll give me pity sex I don't really want it.
Recently she's been hinting frequently at having more children soon (which i do want), My question is this: Am I selfish for not wanting to have one now, when having another child would mean committing to another 2 year cycle of no intimacy? we've had the sex talk a dozen or so times, and I swear to god if I have to have it again with her our relationship may be over. The pain and despair she has given me is beyond description. I really don't want more children until she proves that she can figure her issues out. I honestly don't think our marriage could survive another baby until she gets her head on straight.
Am I being selfish or unreasonable?
DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER BABY until she gets her shit together, the fact its been going on 6 years is horrible enough, but to be so greedy to say "hey lets add another two years of sexlessness to it" is absolutely selfish and flat out terrible on her part. I'm extremely surprised you haven't left her by now, to shut you out that often year after year is pathetic on her part, regardless of her reasons. I'm sorry but your wife is a pathetic excuse for a woman if after all this time she hasn't put in the time and effort to fix her hang ups.
I would make her prove at minimum for a year that she can and is willing to meet your needs on a regular basis and strengthen your relationship. (and if she fakes for a year to have the kid, and then shuts you out for a year+ again, its time you take the kids and leave her).
and she's right on the "faking it thing" too, I know soooo many women who fake there sex drive for a few months to get pregnant, only to then go back to their old ways the second they get pregnant. Make it clear to her if this happens your both finished for good. She needs a lifestyle change, plain and simple.