HOW WE OVERCAME OUR SEXUAL "SHYNESS"

Like a Virgin, Like a virgin who had had sex upwards of 40+ times, this was how I felt, how we felt about our sex life for the first 10 years of our marriage. We were shy, sexually reserved, timid, hesitant, both equally submissive, afraid, intimidated, and every other word you could probably use to describe someone who was inexperienced in bed and lacked sexual knowledge and confidence.

 

Something had to give, it had been 10 years and still we remained shy and timid in bed, how were we ever to fully understand the glory of sex, the passion of loving another, the lust, the bond that comes from sex if we were never to break free from this curse. For too long we had felt as if somebody had plopped us down In the middle of a foreign language exam and we had no help.

 

So, we explored, and we explored, and we explored, researching, reading, watching, and practicing often, slowly day by day our shyness disappeared, sex became fun, frequent, and a glue to our marriage. Sex you see takes 2 key ingredients from each side, knowledge, and confidence, without both nothing will ever change or improve. We Started by doing online research, reading books, watching couples movies, and sure enough we started to understand just what sex had to offer, we applied the things we saw and read about, and within months we were addicted to each other, AND WHEN I SAY ADDICTED TO EACH OTHER, I MEAN ADDICTED!!! we couldn't get enough!

 

Some of our best suggestions for couples who are shy are to:

1. REASEARCH! This includes reading online articles (such as this one), blogs, posts, couples websites, sex books, sex position books, watching couples movies with different themes to discover if one of you has certain kinks or interests
2. Discuss fantasies openly, talk about why they appeal to you
3. Check out Cosmo's 30 days of sex challenge, it seems a bit cheesy, but we did it and it was an absolute eye opener. Essentially each partner takes turns planning out a specific themed event, these events help expose each other to new sexual ideas, positions, places to have sex, outfits, etc. For us it was a real eye opening experience and helped overcome a lot of the shyness and uncertainty we had with sex.
4. Try a bit of sexting, start slow, and work your way up, try phone sex one night (which helps with verbal communication during sex as well as talking about fantasies), make a video together so you can review it and analyze it for weaknesses in your individual approach to satisfying your partner.
5. Try wearing something sexy (lingerie, costumes, elegant attire) all will help in feeling more sensual.
6. Write down a list of all the favorite sexual actions your partner has done, and give them the list, it helps build confidence and reassures each other they do a good job in bed
7. Write down a lost of things you'd like your partner to do more of in bed, or things you think would improve the experience together,
8. Explore blindfold play, where the eyes aren't staring at you, there's less pressure to be perfect and allows for practice.
9. Tease each other intensely but discreetly in public (flashing, grabbing, kissing, groping, rubbing) all will help ease your shyness.
10. Fully explore role-play, it allows for individuals to play a character who is not themselves, thus allowing them to behave unlike themselves without fear of judgment.
11. Perform a strip tease or lap-dance for each other
12. Take turns one night each week purely planning out your partners pleasure where only they will be focused on in bed.
13. Masturbate together and communicate your thoughts
14. Masturbate alone and envision what you are both going to do sexually next time you see the other
15. Use sexual chat rooms to dirty talk with other couples or singles (we found this specially helpful, While Brett performed oral sex on me I would sext random strangers in online chat rooms about what they wanted to do to me and what I wanted to do to them, it really helped us to see how others dirty talk and turn each other on which we then applied to our relationship). it also helped feed my interest in threesomes as we used a "pretend dildo" for the third parry member.
16. Role-playing strangers at a bar, we went the extra mile and flirted innocently with others for about 20-30 minutes before running into each other. The thrill and reminder of what it felt like to be single, to have others enjoy your flirtations, the rush of dressing a bit scantily clad, and the knowledge others desire you is a great reminder and boost to your sexual confidence which you can bring back to the bedroom together, 
17. Exercise daily, cant be understated enough, not only does it keep your body in shape which promotes self esteem, but it helps you feel more energized and willing to try new things.
18. Re-enacted couples porn videos (this was a huge help! it was similar to role-play in that you were acting like someone else beside yourself, and were then able to relax).

As we've talked about so many times, for us to be truly committed to our partner and to the sexual experience, we need the confidence and attitude to do so, taking time to prepare is essential to any lasting relationship, those who fail to prepare are ultimately either selfish, or lack the vision to see why sex is pivotal in marriage.

OUR "SEX JOURNAL". Why every spouse needs one!

On a personal note, one of the best things we both did to become more sexually aware of ourselves, our sexual abilities, and our sexual potential, was to both create individual "sexual journals/diaries" to improve our ability to please each other and learn new skills. By writing down new techniques we learned we were able to apply them to our sex life, and become better lovers, we also felt less pressure to please each other because we had more knowledge.


Begin by making categories on different pages, categories can include (available lingerie/lingerie ideas), (seduction ideas), (places to have sex), (seduction moves), (dirty talk phrases), (oral sex techniques), (sex positions), (What to do with cum/squirt), (Kinky sex, bondage), (roleplay ideas), (date ideas), (libido increasing ideas), (foreplay ideas), (joint sex bucket list), (Handjob/fingering ideas), Maybe consider taking a joint sexual survey to better know each other and make notes of it), (sexting ideas), We also always made it a point to highlight or put a star by the ideas/techniques that our spouse went wild about in bed.

By each making your own journal/notebook, you will have easy ideas and techniques to pull out at moments notice, its almost a cookbook/recipe book, after all, nobody wants to eat the same meal time after time, week after week, year after year, except your book is for sex, and allows variation and new fun ideas to make sex fun and enjoyable.

#1 Rule for someone who is shy or lacks confidence in bed: Do more, not less!!! Those who are active tend to feel less shy or silly during sex, acting breeds confidence, confidence breeds skill, skill leads to great sex on both sides, great sex builds love, love leads to happier marriages. ITS WORTH YOUR EFFORT!

Please feel free to add to what has been said, if there have been other ways you have boosted your confidence in bed feel free to chime in.