I DON'T NEED OR WANT SEX, DOES MY HUSBAND REALLY NEED IT? CHEAT, LEAVE, OR OPEN THE MARRIAGE?

HOW OFTEN DO MEN NEED TO HAVE SEX WITH THEIR WIVES TO STAY HAPPY PERSONALLY AND WITH THE MARRIAGE?

Some women for various reasons (medical, breastfeeding, anxiety, poor health, poor self-esteem) simply don't see the value in having a regular and intimate relationship with their husbands. Many of these same women simply assume he can go without it or even masturbate on his own, these thoughts are perhaps the most selfish I as a relationship coach and expert have ever heard...

About a year ago we received this question from one of our readers, and with their permission they have allowed us to share their struggles, confusion, and success. Anonymous housewife writes;

How often do guys need to have sex?  I just don’t think about sex much; I guess it isn’t a need for me.  But my husband says he thinks about it all the time, and he gets crabby that I’m often too tired.  Even though I can go weeks or months and not miss it, since he can’t, I try to do the right thing.  But oddly, even though he says he’s “deprived”, when I tell him “okay” that just makes him mad.  He says he wants me to want it like he does.  I feel like I can’t win. But if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan on that, and hopefully that would help.


To answer this I first pose this question to the many women out there who struggle with this same issue; How would you feel if you told your husband, “I need to hear you say ‘I love you’,” and he heaved a big sigh and said, “Okay, I’ll try to say it.  But how often do you need to hear it?  Is once a week okay?  Whatever it is, tell me, and I’ll plan on that.”


My guess is, you’d be really hurt. You’d be thinking, "He supposedly loves me, but he has to force himself to dredge up the willpower to show me love and tell me he loves me?  Maybe he doesn’t really love me like he says he does".

You wouldn’t be hurt because he didn’t say “I love you” enough times.  You’d be hurt because of what it implied.  Maybe it means he doesn’t care about you. Maybe, you might think, it means you really aren’t even all that lovable.




Sex works the exact same way for most men. In the research, there seems to be no one standard amount of sex that men “need” to have; it is what sex signals to them that is important. Your sexual actions signal: I desire you; You are desirable; I want to be with you in that way; You make me feel amazing; I want to show you how much I care about you; and on and on.




We women think of sex as being primarily a physical need for a man: but it isn’t.  One of a man’s deepest emotional needs is to feel that his wife desires him.  And if he sees that his wife desires him, it gives him a sense of well-being in all the other areas of his life.  But if she shows <big sigh> “Okay, fine, let’s get this over with,” then it is clear to him that she doesn’t desire him, he’s no good at trying to make her feel amazing, he must be completely undesirable… and that she doesn’t really care about him the way she says she does.


One of the biggest problems a spouse makes is when finally they realize they've put their marriage at risk and caused their partner deep and excrutiating emotional pain. Imagine you were to walk in the front door and find your spouse lying on the floor with a knife stabbed into his side or chest, whould you not immediatlly take them to the E.R. to remove the knife and fix it? OF COURSE YOU WOULD!!!

Being in a sexless marriage is essentially the same... The emotional pain is so great, so excruciatingly painful that the affected spouse is crippled, unable to focus on anything, work, family, church, school, children, even their spouse begins to be ignored. Sexual neglect is a knife in their side! Yet so many spouses when learning of the pain they've caused have the attitude of "we need to work on it, we'll talk about it sometime soon ad fix it. Yet what happens is hours turns into days, days into weeks, and weeks into months, the spouse gets busy and forgets or doesent feel like talking about it, LEAVING THE KNIFE IN THEIR SPOUSE, not relieving the pain, leaving them to suffer, cry, morn, and even contemplate divorce. IF YOU TRULY LOVE THE PARTNER YOUR HARMING they will become your top priority, their healing will matter above all else, not work, not family, not even children will matter until they wrong they've done.


Researchers from the university of Texas recently did studies on the consequences of sexual deprivation within a marriage, when all was said and done the results were heart wrenching. Have you ever heard on the news a story of parents who neglect their children, leaving them in deplorable conditions, or locking them in their room to cry for hours in their crib, feeling unloved, unwanted, and misunderstood? Researches upon finishing their studies found a shocking similarity to the trauma and damage in the brain of both a sex deprived spouse, and that of a neglected baby or child. What does this mean for your marriage? you are locking your spouse away, you have sent clear messages to them that they are unwanted, unloved, and their needs are irrelevant to you. So the next time you decide sex doesn't matter, remember that crying neglected child, because you've just damaged them as badly as that poor baby alone in its crib.

DAMAGE LIKE THAT ISN'T FORGOTTEN EASILY, AND WON'T GO AWAY FOR DECADES...

Some women who just don’t think about sex and risk being too tired for it, have learned that one great solution is to schedule sex dates.  Anonymous reports after a year of practice that no matter what else was going on in their lives, and no matter what other times they might have sex, she and her husband always made time for intimacy on Tuesdayy, Thursday, and Sunday nights.  Although it didn’t fit the Hollywood ideal of tumbling into bed spontaneously, she discovered that in the real world, this was something that “got her thinking about it,” and she came to truly love that time together.  And so did her husband!




Although the average appears to be a few times a week, there is no one “right amount” of sex that men need. Instead, the one constant is his emotional need to feel that you desire him.  Find sexual ways to show that, and you’ll probably see more love coming from him to you, too!


Just some food for thought before we finish. As a woman, how many times a week do you need to hear him say I love you, or do some kind of loving selfless act that shows he cares? 7 times? 4 times a week? 2 times? just once? I think for most of us as wives if we go more than 2 or 3 days without receiving this from our husbands we would begin to feel unloved and that he doesn't care.




WHICH LEADS ME TO AN EVEN MORE SERIOUS QUESTION; How often does a man need sexual touch and sex to feel loved by his wife? 7 Times a week? 2-3 times? Once a week? Once a month? A few times a year? Will he feel loved if is not having sex at least twice per week? Probably not... Will he feel Abandoned if you only have it once a week? Most definitely (just like when he fails to say I love you or serve you for an entire week). How is he going to feel after a month of sexless touch or intimate connection? Like garbage... And how is he going to feel after a year of only having sex 1-3 times? Sorrow beyond sorrow...

Ladies I sit here in years as I write this, knowing full well the pain and sorrow our poor husbands feel because we neglect them for such long periods of time, most men when neglected and abandoned to this extent suffer in every other aspect of their lives, they shut down emotionally and socially, they walk through life in a haze and cloud. What you are doing to this poor man by ignoring his most basic needs is nothing less than emotional abuse, and frankly its grounds for divorce. compare the average, most healthy marriages have sex or oral sex somewhere around 3 times a week. It's up to you to make sure that number is reached EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Rarely if ever in marriage will a man completely ignore his wife and withhold love for more than a few days, WE CANNOT ALLOW OURSELVES TO ignore his for more than a few days, our marriage may very well depend on it down the road.

WHEN HAVING AN AFFAIR, LEAVING THE MARRIAGE, OR HAVING AN OPEN MARRIAGE BECOMES THE ONLY OPTION:

There comes a point in a sexless marriage where enough is enough, he's pleaded with you for years, he's done everything he can to become a better man and help her gain sexual interest again, he's sought counsel outside the relationship from experts, but she still emotionally abuses him by ignoring his most basic needs. WHAT IS A MAN TO DO? CHEAT? DIVORCE HER FOR SOMEONE WHO CARES? HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE SO HE CAN SLEEP WITH SOMEONE WHO CARES? Sadly in extreme cases of prolonged emotional neglect all these options are on the table...

At some point many of us come to the following conclusions: (WE SUGGEST IF YOUR READING THIS TOGETHER WITH YOUR SPOUSE THAT YOU ASK THE NEGLECTED SPOUSE ON EACH NUMBER IF THEY ARE AT THIS STAGE, OR IF THEY'VE EVER BEEN THERE).

1) there is a fundamental issue of equity, trust and love at the heart of this situation. If your spouse refuses to have sex with you and you have not reached this decision by mutual agreement, then he/she is holding you hostage to his/her version of marriage. It is not one you signed up for. It is not one you agreed to. It is not a decision that makes you happy. It is not part of the agreed covenant of marriage. It is a personal decision, made AND implemented by your spouse alone.

All of this highlights the fact that your spouse has put his/herself as the priority in what should be a MUTUAL relationship. How do you continue to trust and to love someone who prioritises him/herself above their partner at all times? How do you trust and love someone who, in effect, says to you every day of your life "Your needs are not important to me"?

2) as for sex, you come to gradually realise that it is not just intercourse that is missing from the menu. Very often it is hand-holding, kissing, hugging, tender talking to each other - all sorts of intimate connections have been replaced by mundane interactions. These mundane interactions are fine - for room-mates. But the absence of intimacy and closeness takes a severe toll on a marriage.

You start realising that he/she is actually uncomfortable with intimacy. The kisses resemble those your aunt gives you. Hand-holding is seen as "not appropriate" - both in public and in private. Your chances of cuddling on the couch have disappeared because you each sit in your "own" chair . . . .

3) at this stage, you start earnestly seeking the “why” for this situation. Is he gay? Was she sexually abused as a child? Are you not skinny enough? Pretty enough? Wealthy enough? Is your penis too short? Are you not exciting enough between the sheets? You explore all sorts of possible remedies. Some of these verge on the ridiculous and others may be well outside your comfort zone. But your zeal to “fix” things knows no bounds – so you valiantly try everything you can think of.

To no avail. And your spouse will not or cannot tell you what is “wrong”. Often, the response from the Refuser spouse is violent anger or cold and deliberate silence.

4) unfortunately, the absence of sex and of intimacy is a need we cannot (in most cases) successfully deny forever. Once in a while we explode with our spouses about the subject. Our spouses will then have sex with us (reset sex) and promise to "try harder" in the future. Because we yearn for this to be true we readily accept this - even when time and again it fails to happen. And we overlook the fact that it should NOT be necessary, in a healthy marriage, to have to "try harder" to be intimate with one's spouse!!

So we go back to "coping" and gradually become disillusioned all over again.

5) at some point in our lives we begin to recognise the true reality of our situation. We understand that we are NEVER again going to have intimacy (not "just sex") with another person. That our spouse has chosen for us. That our spouse has unilaterally decided that we will never experience the true joys of marriage.

At this point many of think: "Well, if I could just have sex in my life, I could stay in this marriage." And that is when we begin to think of outsourcing. Some of us actually do outsource. And it can be a successful option for some people - but it does not often fulfill the fundamental NEED that is missing from our lives.

Because this is NOT "just about sex". It is about a loving, respectful equal relationship that is characterised by intimacy. That is what a marriage should be.

Outsourcing often HIGHLIGHTS this absence more than anything else could.  

6) so, we have finally reached the point where we realise that this is NOT "just about sex". That we are living a lie. That we have been coerced into a life NOT of our choosing. That our marriage is dysfunctional at its core - no matter how it might look on the surface.

7)   Once we recognise and accept the reality of our situations, it becomes our decision what to do. Many choose to stay - and each person has his/her own reasons for this. No-one here will criticise anyone who makes a genuine CHOICE to stay. We will challenge you to think very carefully before making ANY decision - but especially the one "to stay". Because many of us know the toll that living against our basic needs takes on us.

When you choose to stay (as opposed to the earlier stages, where essentially, you are still in the "denial" or "bargaining" phases) you decide to live the rest of your life in a way that is NOT fulfilling your normal and natural needs. This can lead to ill health - physical and / or mental. It can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, hopelessness and other emotions that negatively impact not only you - but your spouse as well. It can negatively impact others in the family - such as your children.

These feelings are not easily denied or suppressed. You cannot "refuse" to acknowledge these feelings - they will not abate or disappear just because they are inconvenient . . . . .

8) ultimately, some of us decide to do the one thing we have most been dreading and trying to avoid. We leave. We recognise that it takes courage, strength of will, energy and many other qualities to do this - and we sincerely doubt our own ability to achieve this outcome. But we do find the strength from somewhere. . .

The leaving is almost always the hardest thing we have ever done - or certainly one of the hardest. Not only have we needed to reverse our own thinking but we have to turn our backs on everything we have tried to do for years. We have to give up on a dream. We have to leave someone we love. We have to make a new life for ourselves - often at a time in our lives when we would normally expect to be reaping the benefits of our earlier years of effort.

We face criticism and condemnation from friends and family. We usually refrain from publicising our spouse's inadequacies to the world at large, so many people we know are bewildered by our choice to leave our "perfect" marriages.

We suffer enormous guilt over “breaking up the family” – a guilt many Refuser spouses are only too happy to capitalise on.

Here's the thing; If you are the one neglecting your spouse, and tomorrow you find out that he is planning on leaving you, or that he cheated you, or that he asks you for an open marriage to sleep with another woman who will care for him the way you failed to, YOU HAVE NO  RIGHT TO COMPLAIN, BE MAD AT HIM, OR HOLD IT AGAINST HIM! You have failed him for years in the most basic and simple way as a spouse and you have no choice but to live with the consequences or BEG HIM for forgiveness with the promise if you don't fix it within a few weeks he has the privilege to choose from these 3 options. YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO YOURSELF, you have destroyed him in every way, shape and form, you have literally left him with no other options than to drastically suffer the rest of his life, or to alter your marriage agreement.

Keep in mind this situation can happen to women too, some women I know had actually experienced the reverse, her husband refused to put out and she was lucky if she got laid once a month. Once a month! She tried talking to him about it, crying about it, begging for it, traipsing around in lingerie, ignoring it—nothing worked. Because she was an overly sexual person he used sex as a way to control her. It made her crazy and not to mention her confidence level dropped considerably.

As a woman you need to understand that what you’re not willing to do—some other woman will be. Men aren’t as good at expressing their feelings and bringing up issues they’re having in the relationship. Instead they become even more withdrawn. They start to seek a confidence boost elsewhere usually with a co-worker or someone they see on a regular basis that they feel comfortable opening up to, which could absolutely lead to cheating.

Am I saying if you don’t put out cheating is justified? No, of course not. But don’t be surprised if it happens because you've brought it upon yourself.

Let’s get one thing clear, I’m on board with people being able to decide when and how often they’re willing to have sex with someone else. At the same time it has to be understandable, that if a woman suddenly decides to stop having sex with a man just because she doesn’t “like it” anymore that he’s not necessarily going to magically feel the same way as her.


So, to be surprised and cry about finding your man cheating on you when you refuse to put out has to be a joke. In fact, I’m going to go a step further and say that it should be expected, although not necessarily right, that if you take sex away from a guy that he’s going to go look for it somewhere else.


It’s very simple, sex to a guy is like food. When a guy is really hungry he’s not going to wait till next month to eat, he’s going to go out and find food that instant.


You've got to remember that if you suddenly decide to take that VERY important part (sex) of the relationship away, you basically become a totally different person to him. The woman he knows and loves is one that aside from being cool, she’s also always willing to give it up in the bedroom when he needs it. By taking that away, you end up creating this confusion in a man where he doesn’t know what to do with a relationship in which he has invested so much time only to find out he was deceived by this woman who only pretended to like sex as much a he did until she got what she wanted.


I agree that the obvious answer to a situation like this one is to leave the relationship instead of cheating but in reality it’s not that easy. If you’ve been with a person for a long period of time and the only thing wrong is the lack of sex, it becomes a really tough decision to make. The emotional side of a man wants to stay with this great girl who fulfills his heart but the physical side wants to leave and find someone who will satisfy his body.


While short term sex breaks may be understandable, the majority of sexless marriages revolve around unresolved issues that she allows to linger in her life. If she is willing to take drastic steps to fix these issues your marriage may yet be save able But if she refuses to acknowledge issues exist, if she refuses to change after promising it will get better, or if the change takes more than 16 months to happen, its time to take action. Will you leave? Will you sleep with someone else with her permission? or will you cheat? each solution is as bad a s the next, but action has to happen, living in despair is not an option. Hopefully now she understands this.


There are dozens of answers to this question here are just a few:

• She doesn’t feel emotionally connected to you
• Sex is painful for her
• Sex is messy
• Sex doesn’t ever feel good to her
• She may be taking a medication which has lowered her sex drive
• She has unrealistic romantic expectations about your sex life
• She has learned to feel shameful about sex
• She has emotional effects from past sexual abuse
• She has too many other priorities that “need” to get done before she is willing to think about sex.
• She may just not really like sex, and doesn’t understand why it is important.
• She may have a hormone imbalance which is causing her low sex drive

HE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU WANT HIM, SHE NEEDS TO KNOW YOU LOVE HER. DONT EVER STOP CHASING EACH OTHER.