What Girls Who “Don’t Give Blow Jobs” Don’t Understand About Blow Jobs

The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Oral Sex

There is a troubling trend permeating its way through the bowels of our great society like a warm, humid, lingering beer fart. That’s right, I’m talking about this new trend of girls who “don’t give blowjobs.” They wear it as a point of pride, as if to say that they are too good to polish a guy’s bowling trophy, yet they still expect men to tongue punch their lunch box.


They hide behind the guise of female empowerment and being the “HBIC,” when in truth the real power lies in a girl who understands the sheer power of a quality blowjob. Oral skills are powerful assets that shouldn’t be taken for granted. The “ew, penises are yucky” crowd has it all wrong, and they will ultimately suffer the consequences for their blasphemy.

In a long term relationship one of the most effective ways for a girl to get the upper hand is high quality fellatio skills, while on the other side of the coin the quickest way for a girl to disqualify herself as a poor excuse of a wife is to be the girl who “doesn’t give blowjobs.” Remember ladies, somewhere out there is a girl who wants to steal your boyfriend, and she’s willing to get down on her knees to do so. Do not underestimate how many keeper points blow jobs will get you.

Girlfriends who understand how much of an asset world-class oral skills are almost always find themselves in happy relationships, and if she likes doing it, even better for her. A smart girl knows that she can get just about anything she wants with good beejes, from simple reciprocation to blood diamonds. Remember guys, it isn’t true love unless you kill someone for it. But I digress. The point I’m making is that girlfriends who pull this power play will find themselves in more favorable give-and-take relationships and are more likely to get a ring, while the girls who “don’t give blowjobs” will end up budgeting for a household’s worth of cat food. But hey, that’s the price of feeling empowered, right? Being the cat lady?




So girls who give the shaft to the shaft, let me offer some advice. Get off your high horse and realize that being able to give a toe-curler is not slutty or desperate. It is heavy artillery for your arsenal. Pride cometh before our fall, and if you are so self-absorbed and involved in the narcissistic notion that you are too good for such an activity, you’re going to end up leaving your man feeling neglected, leading to years of harmful feelings inside your marriage. It’s a brutal truth.

It’s Part Of A Relationship

BLOWJOBS ARENT A JOB, THEY ARE LOVE. That’s what it comes down to. It’s just part of being with someone. Being in a relationship is about compromise, you should (and this means both of you) be willing to try something that your partner really wants or enjoys. A relationship isn’t about having a perfect husband or wife who does exactly what you want,  but it is about doing our best to meet their needs and likes and keep them as happy as humanly possible. BLOWJOBS COME DOWN TO LOVE, IT IS AN ACT OF PURE AND SIMPLE LOVE.

If you’re sexually active and you have a vagina, it’s pretty safe to assume that you’ve given a blow job. It’s also safe to assume that you might not have loved it. Sure, you’ll go down on a guy
in order to get something in returnbecause you really like him, but five minutes in and you are hoping he’ll just come already. The fear of the blow job is spreading faster than E. coli at Chipotle and with every oral horror story, giving head is getting a reputation worse than the standards chair with a stick up her ass. If you are like most girls and dread the moment a guy, ever so delicately, shoves your head down to his head, I am here to help. Here are easy solutions to some common problems that will help you learn to love the BJ. Or you know, at least not hate it.

1. “Balls gross me out.”
This is all a matter of perception. If you think of balls as wrinkly flabs of skin that weirdly hang there, obviously you aren’t going to want to put them in your mouth. Playing with the balls is honestly one of the best parts about giving head. Think of the balls more like a water balloon. And think of water balloons as something fun you do in the summer when you’re not giving blow jobs. Stop thinking about what you are supposed to think about the balls and start having a little fun.

2. “Blow jobs make my jaw hurt.”

No one said you have to sprint the marathon. If you are going your hardest for a super long time, you’re probably not going to have any fun. Take a break by playing with the balls, switching to a quick handy, or discussion where you stand in your relationship. Another tip to avoid the locked jaw syndrome is to start off slow and get yourself warmed up. If you tease him a little by going slow, he’ll be begging for more and you’ll be ready to be the sex goddess you tell your friends you are. I always tell girls who get tired easy to make it a mix up of a blowjob, licking job, kissing his penis job, staring/teasing job, handjob, and most importantly a dirty talk job. Doing all these things will help your jaw not to get sore, and actually make the experience 10 times better for him.

3. “He’s too big and I have a gag reflex.”

First of all, congratulations. There is nothing worse than psyching yourself up to give head only to find that he has a micro-penis. The best tip (no pun intended) that I ever got about blow jobs is to make a fist with your thumb under your fingers if you think you are about to gag. For some reason, this will stop you from gagging and allow you to go so much deeper. I don’t know the science behind this magical trick, but I do know it works like a charm.

4. “I make weird slurping sounds.”

Own those slurping sounds. If you’ve ever watched porn (admit it, you have), you have heard the sounds that those girls make. It sounds like they are enjoying giving the guy the ol’ slurp and tug when in reality they’re probably just thinking about the episode of Sex and the City that they have DVR’d. Look at your guy’s face when you’re blowing him, I guarantee he does not think the noises you are making are weird.

5. “Do I have to swallow?”

Heck no. Well... Sort of... But at first don't even worry about swallowing, learn to enjoy giving head first, then we'll tackle the cum issue.

FOR THOSE WANTING TO GIVE THE PERFECT LOVING EXPERIENCE:

The first and most crucial tip is to be fucking confident with yourself. Yes I said yourself. This is the time to be selfish and show off how awesome you are. This is the only time you’ll have full control over your man and you want to show him that you do well being in charge. And before you freak out, just know: there is no possible way of being bad at giving head. It’s a myth. Unless you’re biting his dick or you have no saliva in your mouth, you’ll be fine. Ask any guy, a “mediocre” blow job is better than no blow job.


But just in case you want to be better than mediocre, here’s a play by play on how to give 10/10 BJ. (I’m going to assume his pants are already off because like, really ladies? Do you need a step for that? I also advise having him take his shirt off *before* his pants. Trust me on this one).

1. Grab it. Take it in your hand and let it just exist there for a second.
2. Don’t be afraid to look at it before you start. Literally examine it and understand that you’re gonna make that dick fall in love with you.
3. Lick it. Lightly at first. Get all over it, but don’t put in in your mouth. Yet.
4. Now, bare with me, you’re going to spit on it. If you can’t manage this, fine. Just make sure you lick it enough. Live your own life.
5. After it’s totally wet, you’ll finally put it in your mouth on it. Just the tip and ease down reallyyyyy slowllyyyy.
6. Get a little faster now.
7. Throw a hand in there. It’ll make things easier for you, and better for him.
8. You’ll want to throw some eye contact in there and maybe a moan or two. Or don’t. But if you’re trying to speed things up, trust me on this one.
9. Now swirl your hand in “twisty” motion. Do this lightly so you don’t give him a burn and end up dying alone.
10. If your man is packing downstairs you’re more than welcome to throw two hands on it.
11. This is about the time where you’re head/neck gets kind of tired — not an issue. Take his penis and smack it on your tongue and moan. I swear I’m not kidding. Do it.
12. Then stop, look at him in the eyes, and give it one long, slow lick.
13. Now it’s time to get back to the sucking. You knew it was only a matter of time.
14. Twirl your tongue around the tip while continuing to twist/pump/suck/daydream about what you’re going to watch on TV after this.
15. Now the fun part! His ball sack! Yay. While you’re still showing him some love with your hands, you’re going to tilt your head down and being to suck on his ball sack. I’m sorry. I wish this wasn’t a thing, but it is. It’s kind of gross but it’s modern day love and 15 seconds will do.
16. Now get back to sucking for your last minute. You’re almost there. This is your time to shine and throw away those gag reflexes.
17. Your eyes are going to tear (pro tip: wear waterproof mascara), you’re going to make weird gagging noises (they find that to be so hot, weirdos…) and possibly feel like you’re going to puke (please don’t).
18. If he’s any sort of a gentleman, he’ll give you a warning before the finale. Decide what you want to do and where, and then reap the benefits of rocking his fucking world.

Tips

1. Hydrate at least 6-8 hours before. The more water the better.
2. Actually, just chug water the whole time.
3. Don’t be afraid.
4. Go into it with a positive attitude.
5. Make sure you’re in a comfortable position during this.
6. Don’t freak out if you’re sloppy or loud — it’s hot!
7. Ask your partner what he likes.
8. Take it inch by inch. Taking a full on 7 inches at once without warming up is going to ruin the mood.
9. Use your lips.
10. Use your tongue.
11. Don’t you dare use your teeth.
12. There’s more than just the typical “sucking” involved in a blowjob.
13. Commit to it and have fun. Lol Jk. Do this and at least it’ll be fast.

MOST IMPORTANTLY: ORAL SEX SHOULD BE A MONTHLY HABBIT! I ALWAYS GIVE MY MAN "STEAK AND BJ DAY" ONCE EVERY MONTH

BLOWJOBS ARE FUN AND ENJOYABLE TO GIVE IF YOU MAKE THEM SO.

BLOWJOBS ARE TERRIBLE AND GROSS IF YOU MAKE IT SO.

ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD, ITS ALL IN YOUR ATTITUDE. IT COMES DOWN TO LOVE.