SEXUAL TRANSPARENCY: HOW HONESTY ABOUT OUR PAST IMPOROVES OUR MARRIAGE

WHAT DOES HER EX BOYFRIEND or HIS EX GIRLFRIEND HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR SEX LIFE? 

EVERYTHING!!!

If there’s one thing that we as Christians have experienced its shame and guilt, it’s what we’re best at honestly. Whether it’s shame about our own short comings, our shaming others we believe to be behaving out of line with Gods principles we tear ourselves down about our actions and desires. While it’s fine and dandy to beat ourselves up occasionally for making mistakes when breaking Gods laws, what we shouldn’t beat ourselves up over is our sexuality before or even during marriage, since so many Christian teachings no longer follow what God had actually taught about sex.

Think you’re alone in being the only “horny Christian” in town who occasionally either slept around or had a major make out session? A survey by Cornell University just found that 80% of all Christians have sex before marriage! 80 PERCENT!!! Additionally, 89 percent of women and 78 percent of men compare their current sex lives with the sex lives they had with their exes. Um...is that OK?

According to sex and dating expert Nikki Goldstein, D.H.S., it's just human nature. After all, how would we even know if the sex was good if we had nothing to compare it to? Our pasts "provide a level for us to determine if something is good, bad, or better," Goldstein says. "It's also how we learn about what we want and how our bodies work." We really don't regret not choosing our spouses as long-term mates, but we do naturally at times miss the great sex we had with our ex, and even wish to incorporate more of it into our own sex lives if not so ashamed to bring up the topic.

Here’s the situation: You’re dating somebody that you really, really like. In fact, you just might love them. But there’s a problem: They’ve got a sexual history, and it’s eating you alive. As a virgin who is waiting till marriage, dealing with a partner’s sexual past is one of the greatest and most painful challenges you’ll face in romantic relationships.

Sometimes the pain is immediate: You’ve been in love with your partner for a while, and then one day you discover the sordid details of their sexual past and it wrecks you.

Sometimes it creeps up on you: You’ve known about their history from the beginning, but it didn’t really bother you until now. And now all of a sudden, it’s like you can’t stop thinking about it and torturing yourself with mental pictures. This has gone from a minor annoyance to a major and central problem in your relationship.

You’re being assaulted by a swarm of horrible feelings, and I know they all feel jumbled together, but it’s important to pull them apart and give them names. The more you can identify and understand the nature of your own feelings, the easier it will be for you to process and act on them in a healthy way.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a function of insecurity: The more insecure you are, the more jealous you will feel. And conversely, the less insecure you are, the less jealous you feel. There is also the possession factor: Your partner’s ex owns a piece of them that you can’t own (at least, that’s how it feels).

The ultimate cure for jealousy is to have the same (or better) experiences with your partner as they had with their ex(es). Their past will largely stop bothering you the instant you share the same experience with them (i.e., when you get married and have sex).

Here’s one final tip on jealousy. Ask yourself: What does your significant other’s ex have to be jealous of you about? Don’t forget who’s winning the day right now. You are the one that has earned their modern affections. You are the one they love now. You are the one their more mature self has chosen. And you are the one they choose to be with over their ex.

Insecurity: Do they still think of their ex? Are they satisfied with you? Won’t they be thinking of all their past encounters while they’re with you? What if you don’t stack up? What if you get married and you still can’t overcome what he felt with his ex? What if she is thinking about sex with her other partners more than she thinks about sex with you? What if his ex was more experienced and made him feel better than you can? What if he’ll never commit to you physically because you’re new at this unlike his more experienced exes?

Your imagination is your own worst enemy here. In your mind, your partner’s past is the most painful and insecurity-inducing version you can picture. But the reality is often much more boring than that. As crazy as it sounds, sometimes it helps to meet their exes. There’s a reason why they’re with you not and not with the ex, and you can often see that reason much more clearly when you meet the ex.

Christian Pre-Marital Sex Traditions

Don’t you have any morals?

Here’s the thing, we all have had some type of sexual experiences before marriage, maybe not penetration, but something sexual. Many Christians are quick to ignorantly point out “Don’t you have any morals?” when it comes to sex before marriage, the funny thing is they’re oh so ever dead wrong about what God has defined as being sexually a sin, and what is ok in Gods eyes.

What the Bible Actually Says About Sex Before Marriage

premarital sex is not a sin in the bible. This sin is created by Church doctrine. The early church twisted the word fornication to mean sex before marriage. The word fornication actually means having sex with a pagan temple prostitute. The early church fathers redefine the word fornication to mean all sex outside of marriage. This is how the doctrine that premarital sex is a sin started. Never has a word been uttered that sex before marriage is wrong. It has been twisted into saying that, but when you really read it, nothing is even mentioned.

First, there are no Scriptures saying that premarital sex is a sin.

Exodus 22:16 - 17, "If a man seduces a virgin who is not engaged, and lies with her, he must pay the bride-price for her, and she will be his wife. If her father absolutely refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money equal to the bride-price for virgins." In ancient cultures, the issue centered around the dowry price, not pre-marital sex.

Deuteronomy 22:28 "If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged, and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered, then the man who lay with her shall give to the girls father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because he has violated her tradition of paying homage to her father; he cannot divorce her all his days."

Once again, it's obvious that if they must pay a dowry, not that premarital sex is a sin.

The 10 commandments are silent on the issue. Jesus also never cites one verse which outright says it's a sin.

Is Her/ His Ex Better Than Me? Why talking to your partner about your exes is a good thing!

Here’s what most men and women automatically think about when it comes to discussing an ex: We’re terrified… To discus or admit our own actions, flaws, or sexual actions with a past person will make us look and feel like terrible people, “He’s going to think I’m such a whore for blowing that guy I met that one night”, or “She’s going to think I was such a player who F*cked every girl I dated” is the typical thought that prevents us from honestly telling about our past.

• "The less they know the better, it’ll just hurt them".
• "It’s in the past — why drag it back up?"
• "They should know everything. Get it all out in the open".
• "Talking about your exes will make the other person feel insecure".
• "Don’t talk about your exes EVER".

All of these are normal reactions we when consider opening up and telling about how were sexual In the past.

But that’s also all I really wanted or needed to know about his ex. Understanding what he learned from his past relationships enriched our current relationship. We all naturally compare ourselves with their ex, “do we measure up?”, “ is he/she hotter than me?”, “ did they f*ck our spouse better than we do?”.

ALL NORMAL WORRIES AND THOUGHTS! But here’s the thing, our spouse is with us for a reason, whether or not they were better at us in bed, the end result is our spouse chose us! So, instead of worry about each others past EXPLORE IT! OPEN UP! SHARE your craziest details and events that would make your mother blush, be descriptive, do it while making out, or while having sex even, it makes it that much hotter!

Experience = better sex! Don’t fret not being a virgin when you married your spouse

Dating someone who’s had lots of sex could mean they’re better at sex. Consider yourself lucky that someone else got the brunt of their awkward phase. Hey didn’t know you when it happened and whoever else they had sex with, however many of them there were, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! Learn from what they did, what they liked, and what they enjoyed. Add it to your own relationship, don’t get mad, get even, add their past to your own skills.

How Most Men Feel About His Wife’s Past Lovers

The sad part is we as women all worry about coming off as a teen whore or slut, when in fact that’s exactly what our man wants to hear about, he takes pride in our sexual exploration, he inside wells up with pride that the woman he loves was adventurous and open enough to let out her freaky side. Don’t believe me? Try it with your husband next time your naked and having foreplay, grab him by the cock and tell him your deepest darkest sexual secret and watch as he gets harder and harder as you describe how bad you were back in the day.

How Most Women Feel About Her Husband’s Past Lovers

Why do women fantasize about sex with their exes? We love the memories! But we can get a bit jealous! “Why doesn’t he do those things with me”, I want to, but I’m too much of a prude to allow me to indulge… When a woman is too much of a taker, it restricts his creativity, his effort, and his attitude towards you in bed. A.K.A. your selfish attitude, and inability to try new things is destroying your marriages sex life and overall happiness… Learn instead of being jealous to learn from his ex, embrace her best qualities and toss away the bad, learn to be as adventurous (if not more) in order to show him you’re better than she ever could be.

One mistake I made was I asked if he thought his ex was prettier than me… dumb I know… Not ever having looked at her before I decided to look her up on Facebook and yup she’s gorgeous… I then find myself looking through all her pictures and criticizing myself on everything I could change about me to be that beautiful, that maybe he could find me prettier than her.. and then I felt incompetent.

So, she’s hotter than you.  But here is my point: So what?  Big deal.  He married you, not her.  Guys are not idiots.  They don’t just judge who they are going to love and marry based on whether a woman is a 6 or an 8 on a 10 point scale. While they may wish you were as good in bed as she was, one thing he will not compare you to her is her looks.

WHY THE SPECIFICS SHOULD ALWAYS BE SHARED & Which Details Should Be Shared?

An anonymous client tells:

“When my wife and I first got married, we had talked about past partners and I was shocked to hear that she had been with a black man. Like I said, I was shocked and my reaction was obvious. She quickly told me that it was only once and that she felt weird doing it and even stopped halfway through.

A few years later she told me that she had in fact had s** with two different black guys. She then told me that a friend of hers had a fantasy involving a group of black men gangbanging her, I think she told me this to get the "heat" off of herself. For a while I was pretty shocked, that she had kept this from me, that she felt that she couldn't tell me the truth.

Since she failed to tell me the truth, I began imagining her having wild s** with black men, I mean like p*** star s**. I couldn't stop thinking about my wife doing these things and it made me crazy. But then it started to turn me on, thinking about her sucking those men and getting f*****. I could imagine her screaming in ecstasy and just having a great time.

It really began to turn me on. I asked her if she thought black men were attractive, and she said no. I assured her that I was ok with whatever she liked and wanted to be open and honest with her. She finally told me that she thought some black guys were cute. We began to have an open discussion about fantasies and I told her that it turned me on thinking about her with her past lovers.

See ladies, was that so hard? And to be honest that is the response you’ll get from 99% of guys! So learn to share, open up and divulge the details of your scandalous past, by doing so you can learn to enjoy and improve your sexual future.

WHAT ARE THE KEY QUESTIONS EVERY COUPLE SHOULD ASK ABOUT THEIR EXES AND THEIR SEX LIVES IN THE PAST

How many lovers had you had (how many people had sex with)?

What you disliked about your Ex sexually.

What you liked about your Ex sexually.

How often and how long would you have sex?

Describe how oral sex was, how long, techniques you liked, when, where, etc.

How did they know to make you orgasm. (details please)

How vocal where they?

Did they spit or swallow?

Did you ever try anal?

Did you ever have sex in public?

Who was the Dominant or submissive one? Details please.

What positions did you frequent/ enjoy?

Describe some of your best memories

What made it memorable with him/her compared to what your spouse currently does?

When and Where do you do it?

What fantasies did you explore?

How did he/she dress, what types of underwear/lingerie did they use.

Did you ever sext or make a video?

Givers.......Takers........and other kinds of lovers.

Sex Before Marriage – Advantages and Disadvantages

ADVANTAGES OF HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE:

·         It not only creates an understanding between the two but also creates a good mutual respect between the couples.

·         Some people prefer to have intercourse within the same gender before marriage and this is a denial scenario since it may make the person to lose interest of having the intimacy with the opposite gender. They will not have an experience or a feel of having intercourse with opposite gender and it automatically sets their mind to deny them even after their marriage.

·         The ultimate advantage is you can clearly get to know each and every proceedings of bed step by step and you actually start to enjoy and co-operate with your partner which always makes you feel so excited and anticipated. (you’ll know if your sexually compatible).

·         You can clearly note your partner inch by inch physically and may be tempted to explore more and more about your partner. In this way it is very much helpful in noting down the actions and behavior of your partner which would prove handful even after the marriage.

·         Some may have problems in fulfilling the desires of their partner while the other may get fulfilled very quickly. To best avoid this problem, having intercourse before marriage will surely help you a lot. Once if you find either you or your partner is not able to fulfill each other , you can follow practicing some remedies to get fit enough and give the libido your partner wants.

·         Skills, you’ll know how to be ready to rock your future spouses world.

DISADVANTAGES OF HAVING SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE:

·         Having intercourse before marriage may give them the attraction and physical fulfillment at the moment but it won’t last long. The reason being that men always think that this just a part of relationship whereas the women think that they have given their entire life to the guy and become more close to him. In such cases when there is nothing more left in the relationship to be carried further, there are heavy chances of breaking-up, being a possibility.

·         Also many women lose interest of having sexual intercourse after marriage with her partner just because of the myth that was created in her mind that intercourse will only lead to the fulfillment of individual on their own rather than the love and intimacy which is to be shared in the bed with each other. This is mainly because of her previous experiences at the time of her relationship.

·         Whenever there is relationship between the men and the women before marriage which gets further through the sexual intercourse will get a feeling of individual’s joy and pleasure on their own at the end of intercourse.

·         There are also several health related issues which may occur during premarital sexual intercourse(pregnancy and STD’s). There may be problems during the period of life after marriage such as loss in erection, getting fulfilled quicker than usual and several other similar issues that are related to intercourse which occurs either before or after marriage affecting your future marriage life.

A lot of teens these days are taking something called the “purity pledge,” wherein they vow not to have sex until they get married. Hey, I’m all for people putting off sex until they’re adults and can handle the ramifications. Because even with safe sex, sex comes with responsibilities. It does tend to emotionally bond you to someone, and that can mean getting emotionally attached to the wrong person.

Once sex enters the equation, a relationship is never the same. But one woman recently wrote about her “purity pledge” that went wrong. It led to an incredibly short starter marriage. Once she realized that she and her new husband had absolutely zero sexual chemistry, she counted down the days until she could get a divorce, which happened six months into their marriage. Here are some examples to get rid of that purity pledge and do the dirty before you say “I do.”

Sexual chemistry.

Jessica Ciencin Henriquez, who kept her “purity” until her wedding night, writes

“Our bodies wanted different things from one another, so what we ended up with was a horizontal battle. I would hear married girlfriends talk about the joys of make-up sex and continue to sip my coffee in silence. We would fight, and then have bad sex and then fight some more. Every flaw in our marriage and in him seemed much more miserable when combined with the possibility of faking orgasms until death did we part. There was no relief. Six months into our marriage, the idea of separating seemed more appealing than feigning headaches for the rest of my life.

Ten-year-old girls want to believe in fairy tales. Take this pledge and God will love you so much and be so proud of you, they told me. If you wait to have sex until marriage, God will bring you a wonderful Christian husband and you'll get married and live happily ever after, they said. Waiting didn't give me a happily ever after. Instead, it controlled my identity for over a decade, landed me in therapy, and left me a stranger in my own skin. I was so completely ashamed of my body and my sexuality that it made having sex a demoralizing experience.

I don't go to church anymore, nor am I religious. As I started to heal, I realized that I couldn't figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time. I chose sex. Every single day is a battle to remember that my body belongs to me and not to the church of my childhood. I have to constantly remind myself that a pledge I took when I was only 10 doesn't define who I am today. When I have sex with my husband, I make sure it's because I have a sexual need and not because I feel I'm required to fulfill his desires.

I'm now thoroughly convinced that the entire concept of virginity is used to control female sexuality. If I could go back, I would not wait. I would have sex with my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I wouldn't go to hell for it. We would have gotten married at a more appropriate age and I would have kept my sexuality to myself.”

As Jessica found out, sexual chemistry is something that can really only be ascertained by, well, having sex. Jessica would make out for hours with her husband before their marriage, so she thought that would translate into awesome horizontal mambo. But it didn’t.

“I wish I had hooked up more when I had the chance” writes Nicole:

I never had a boyfriend in high school so I never did the making out in your parents basement or the sex on prom night thing. I had sex finally when I was 21 with a boyfriend who I was with for a little while, but then met my now husband when I was 22. I seriously seriously regret not having more sexual experience before marriage. I've been thinking about this because my sister is a senior in high school and she and her boyfriend of a year started having sex and I am actually happy for her that she will have these experiences (we've talked about and she's being safe and is with a good guy). Honestly, I was into the whole sex as special, holding out for the right guy thing and while j think obviously there can be another extreme that's not so healthy, I wish that I had just gone ahead and had even a bit more fun in college at least. Anyone else regret being kind of a prude?

Tessa writes: “We've been together 8 years and he had a LOT of sex before me. I don't know, I just wished I'd had at least one one-night stand or more boyfriends or make-out sessions or anything. I did nothing scandalous. I have no stories about anything. I'm not bored with sex with my husband, but I just feel like other people had a lot of fun in those younger days that I missed out on.”

“I’m Really Really REALLY Glad I Had Sex Before Marriage” writes Liz

A month ago, Hendrix and I got married. About two years before that, we had sex. And I am SO GLAD we didn’t “wait til marriage.”

Let me tell you where I started out. Back in college, I was so deep in purity culture, every time I had a crush I considered it a dangerous temptation that I would need to fight and pray about constantly. I believed God’s plan for me was that I never have any romantic or sexual experience at all with anyone other than the man that God had apparently destined to become my husband. Falling in love was dangerous and could lead me into sin. I needed to “guard my heart.”

And slowly, slowly, slowly, I started to question that ideology and work my way out of it. I realized how much all those beliefs were rooted in fear. Don’t date, because what if you break up? Don’t be alone with a guy, because what if you have sex? Don’t love, because what if you get your heart broken? It was all about fear of things that may or may not potentially happen in the future. And I realized it doesn’t make sense to live my life so limited by those scary future possibilities.

So I decided I no longer believed in guarding my heart. I no longer believed I would need explicit permission from God before dating someone. I started dating a guy, and every “impure” step I took in that relationship was a conscious decision, an affirmation that I no longer believed in those things, but also accompanied by so much shame. And when I say “impure”, I’m talking about things like letting myself feel my emotions and enjoy the attraction. I’m talking about texting my boyfriend to tell him good night- something that would increase my affection for him and therefore make me more “emotionally attached” and less pure. I’m not talking about sex or anything like that. I never even kissed him, because I was too scared of the possibility that purity culture was right and kissing might lead to all sorts of terrible things.

That relationship ended, and I met Hendrix (who is now my husband). And slowly, slowly, slowly, I worked my way out of purity culture. One step at a time. We kissed. We slept in the same bed, holding each other, with clothes on. Eventually we saw and touched each other’s genitals. No sex though.

And even though I no longer believed any of that was “sin,” even though I was actively choosing to do it, sometimes I felt so guilty. Sometimes I would text him and tell him how awful I felt about the “bad” things we did, and say we shouldn’t do them anymore. Not because I actually believed they were sinful, but because of how much shame I felt. And sometimes we would stop for a few days, until I would decide it was silly to let shame limit my life and take away our happiness.

That’s what it was like, at the beginning of our relationship. Unlike my previous relationships, I wasn’t thinking about “where is the line?” I was finally letting myself just enjoy it, just be happy with him. And fighting constantly against the ideology I had internalized, which said I was bad.

Then we started living together. Still not having sex- I still thought maybe that would be a sin. I was so in love and it was great being with him every day, but also I became extremely depressed because living together unmarried is pretty much the dirtiest sin you can commit, isn’t it? I believed I was “impure” and “bad.” I believed God saw me as “dirty.” I would tell myself “we are bad”; I would say it out loud to Hendrix. Poor Hendrix. But he loved me and helped me through all of it.

For a while I didn’t realize I had depression. In church I had learned about “the conviction of the Holy Spirit”- how people who are “sinning” are SUPPOSED to feel terrible all the time. It didn’t occur to me that feeling like “I am bad, I am bad” every day was a PROBLEM that I should get help for. I thought that people who don’t “repent” of their “sin” just feel awful, and that’s the way it should be.

After a few months, I went to therapy. And slowly worked my way out of the shame. Slowly got out of all that evangelical doctrine about how people are basically evil and don’t deserve anything good, how we don’t have any value in and of ourselves, we only have value if we’re devoted to God. Slowly I began to accept myself and came to believe that I’m good. Just by being a person, I’m good and I deserve happiness– it has nothing to do with whether I’m “following God.”

I didn’t feel shame about living together anymore. I didn’t have depression anymore. But there was just one more question: What about sex?

I no longer believed unmarried sex was inherently a sin. Mostly because there didn’t seem to be any reason for that belief, and I got tired of judging other people. I decided there was nothing wrong with people who choose to have sex when they’re not married. But what about for myself?

See, it’s one thing to say, “okay, other people’s choices are fine, I won’t judge them.” But for me to actually try it, to actually take that risk, to act on my belief that those purity-culture warnings were totally unfounded- wow, that’s a big deal. What if purity culture was right? What if sex somehow ruins my life? (Even though I had spent a lot of time thinking about it and couldn’t come up with any way it would “ruin my life.”)

I no longer thought it was a sin, but I was still terrified. What if it was true? What if? Maybe I should just err on the side of caution and wait til marriage.

But I couldn’t find any real reason to not have sex with my amazing, committed, wonderful boyfriend. And in the absence of a real reason, all I could do to support my decision was pile up more fear. Surely the result of having sex must be truly truly terrible, more terrible than I can imagine, to justify avoiding it even in a long-term, committed relationship.

(To clarify: I’m not saying you’re only allowed to choose not to have sex if you can give a reason that is acceptable to other people. “I don’t want to” is a good enough reason. It’s your body; you’re not required to submit your choices for approval by other people. That wasn’t my situation though- I was curious and wanted to try sex, but was trying desperately to convince myself it was better to not do it, because of fear.)

It was this huge question, hovering over me. This huge fear. And I decided, I have to face my fear. I have to know. I have to try it, and prove that it doesn’t ruin my life.

So we finally did. We had sex, and guess what, it didn’t really change anything. It didn’t ruin my life. It didn’t change me into a completely different type of person. It wasn’t some kind of mind-blowing, best-feeling-in-the-world experience.

But the fear was gone. All this time, there had been nothing to worry about. And wow, I’m so glad I did it, just because of that.

And then two years after that, we got married. I can’t imagine how terrible it would have been for me to “wait for marriage.” (For other people, it may be the right decision, but not for me.) To live in that fear and shame and depression for another two years, only to find out that sex isn’t that much of a big deal and there was nothing to be afraid of all along. Wow. I can’t even imagine the damage that would have done to my mental health.

(Some time later, I figured out I’m asexual. Pro tip: If your main reason for having sex is “I need to know if all those warnings are true or not” rather than, you know, a desire to stimulate your genitals, you might be asexual.)

I’m so glad I’m not starting out my marriage by recovering from years of fear of sex. I’m so glad I faced that fear two years before, and I found there’s no reason to be afraid at all. I’m so glad I didn’t sacrifice my mental and emotional health in order to “stay pure.” Having sex before marriage has literally saved my marriage.

HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! OR DON’T!

I’m not saying go for it, but neither am I saying its bad to… Maturity and responsibility is the key, if your wise enough to have sex responsibly and safely then by all means go for it! If you’re not ready to do it responsibly and you don’t think you can handle it then don’t have it. What I am saying is don’t allow out of date and incorrect sexual teachings shame or force you into staying a virgin just because a church incorrectly says so… You won your sexuality, it’s yours and for the person you care for. Biblically I could list nearly 100 hundred examples on why sex before marriage is ok in Gods eyes, but I’ll allow you to read for yourselves this time.

As a woman it turns me on hearing about my spouses not so innocent adventures before marriage, it honestly gets me hot and bothered, as does he with my stories. You'll be surprised as you open up just how much shame is released and finally you can both embrace the things that at one time had haunted you both due to incorrect Christian teachings. We all have kinky desires, we all want to be the most sexual person we can be, we all want to amazing sex, but that wont ever happen without communication and willingness to admit we have crazy sexual desires, talk about! You may be surprised just how crazy your spouses fantasies are just like yours. Don't be afraid to ask "can we try..." can you touch me this way? Harder, slower, I want to, I wish we could, and so on.

Sex can be many different things, it can be a romantic connection, it can be fun and excitement, it can be a stress relief, and it can even be just a way to kill time and experience pleasure, if you're not experiencing these types your not really having sex. 

Wondering if you should add porn to your sexual repertoire to live up to your spouses Ex? For some couples, watching sexy videos can help create more heat between the sheets. But others may find that porn compromises intimacy by desensitising your reactions to your partner.

It’s a question of intensity, degree, frequency, and type. Watching porn together can enhance interest and be a boon for couples who are having trouble achieving arousal. But if one partner views porn frequently and ignores the other partner because the material is so captivating, then it can be detrimental. It’s all about how porn is used. Here’s how to broach the subject with your significant other and incorporate porn into your sex life.

Asking Your Partner to Watch Porn
If you decide that watching porn is something you want to try with your partner, use your imagination to think of ways you might bring up the subject. For example, you could watch a romantic movie that contains a slightly explicit sex scene and use that as a conversation starter. Or you might bring up couples porn when you’re cuddling and sharing secrets or fantasies.

Initially, your partner might be reluctant to watch a sex video with you. Sometimes this hesitation is based on a fear of being unfavourably compared to the actors in the sex video. One response to this concern is to explain that the porn stars involved are actors, and like Hollywood stars, they’re not expected to look or act like everyday people — but instead portray ideals likely to prompt arousal.

Choosing the Right Sex Video
When deciding which sex video to watch, choose one with a decent plot, story line, and lots of erotic language. For couples who want to try porn but are embarrassed to go buy a video, there are plenty of online stores that sell adult DVDs.

Using Couples Porn
Couples porn is meant to be a fun sexual aid that can be mutually shared and enjoyed. Here are some ways you can view it together:

• Watch the entire sex video together before actually making love.
• Watch while cuddling and caressing each other.
• Have your partner watch or read while you undress for sex in the next room.
• Try out a position being portrayed in the video or magazine.
• Give your partner oral sex while he or she watches the sex video.
• Have sex in a sexual position that allows both of you to watch the video, such as rear-entry.

Couples porn can be a great way to spice up your sex life. But make sure both you and your partner are willing participants, and don’t become dependent on sex videos every time you make love. In other words, have fun — but use porn in moderation.