The Importance Of Flirting With Others When You’re In A Relationship

Can a Sexual 'Hall Pass' Be Good for a Long-term Relationship?

 

One question that's all too common goes along the lines of " My wife/Husband wants me to have a lover. Can anyone help me understand their point of view on this? Why would be want to see me being pleased by another person?

 

bet the majority of people in relationships who are reading this just raised their eyebrows with looks of disapproval. The first thought that probably popped into their minds was, "But, I'm in a relationship — I shouldn't flirt."

Relationships, however, never come with a signed contract that states we must be stripped of all of our sexual traits. As human beings, our sexuality exists whether we're single or in a relationship.
Settling down doesn't mean we must convince ourselves a certain person isn't attractive. When you’re in a relationship, you have an intense connection with your partner that no one else can infiltrate. But, it is quite possible (and absolutely normal) you will feel a minor connection with someone else down the road.

My Story

My libido took a nosedive after the birth of both of my children. For awhile, I blamed it on wacky hormones. But that excuse, two years postpartum, has gotten a little old. I even had my hormones tested by doctors. All of the results came back normal. I now can only assume that my struggle with sex was psychological. I hardly ever thought about sex. I think about my kids, their activities, my work, my husband's work, getting dinner on the table, cleaning toilets (crazy, I know) — all before I think about having sex with my husband. Or having sex with anyone for that matter.

I did not heat up under the hood. The sex switch is often stuck. When I was ovulating, normally and painfree, I wanna pounce on anything that has a penis. The fact that there is some spark down south gave me hope. But, hope ain't enough for a hubby over decades of neglect and abandonment.

He was starving for sex. And if he's gone on a business trip during the three days I'm ovulating he's screwed. And not in the good way. It could be a month before the next surge of estrogen puts me in sexy mode. And my husband had made his dissatisfaction very clear to me on several occasions.

I could blame my lack of libido on a thousand things — I'm "touched out" from our young children groping, poking, me all day. I'm exhausted (what parent isn't?). Work stresses me out. I hate my squishy, soft, post-baby body. I don't have time to wax … again. Yet in comparison he's the one who did 75% of the work in the family, he's the one that was twice as exhausted as I was, and he's the one who for nearly a decade went above and beyond to try and play the role of a good husband. But guess what ladies? When he realizes you've abandoned him, you're through, we're no longer his queen bee, no longer the king of the castle , no longer pampered and spoiled like a lover normally would, you'd abandoned and neglected him one to many times, and the marital bond had been broken (not by him, but by you).

Whatever the reason, I'm wasn't going to make myself do something I didn't want to do. I'm not going to set a sex-schedule for me and my husband because that's what the sexperts and psychobabblers of the universe suggest.

I tried having sex when I'm not in the mood, and it's horrible. I don't feel horny. I felt annoyed. I feel worse. I felt resentful.

I could blame my lack of libido on a thousand things, but the bottom line was I'd failed him as his wife. In the meantime, he has his free pass, and while over 4 years he has yet to use it, he has it nonetheless. No marriage can survive without sex on a weekly basis, at least not survive in happiness or healthy minds. He hasn't used it yet (that I know of). He said he was waiting for me, when I'm ready.

What Long-term Sexual Refusal Does to Your Spouse

You can pick out a few words and feel this husband’s pain: refusal, devastating, horrible, insults. It’s certainly not only husbands who’ve experienced long-term refusal; many higher-drive wives report the same frustration and feelings. And their spouses either don’t get it or don’t care. I’m frustrated enough to think: Oh my goodness, you’re killing your marriage! Find a way to fix it!

Withholding your body, your participation, and your pleasure from your spouse is like walling off a huge part of yourself — saying you don’t want to share, to trust, to unite with him or her. Consider Proverbs 13:12: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” For the higher drive spouse, it doesn’t feel like merely a rejection of the act, but a rejection of the person himself or herself. That emotional pain far outweighs any physical discomfort.

If you’ve been denying your spouse, imagine how you’d feel if tomorrow he decided to simply stop talking to you altogether? Or if she decided to stop sharing her money and resources, essentially dividing all your finances down to the last penny? What if one of you claimed dibs on the kids and kept them from the other? This sounds preposterous, but withholding something in marriage the other is clearly entitled to leads to real resentment.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

 

Let me tell you what happens to the guy you sleep with every night when you reject his advances: he feels inadequate.

He questions whether or not you love him at all.

He fears he is disappointing you sexually and that is the reason you turn him down. He feels completely helpless and then starts to resent the hell out of you for putting him in a powerless position.

He may act out in ways to alleviate both his sexual frustration and his building resentment toward you by using porn or having an affair.  He often avoids coming home and works longer hours.

He is trapped in a sexless marriage.

And he starts to detach.

Truly, a marriage that lacks weekly passionate intimacy is like a plant that tries to live without water, or human that tries to live without oxygen, it slowly suffocates you and the relationship until a slow and painful death occurs.

To answer your question of  "how and why would my spouse allow me to do something like that? To flirt or even sleep with another?" let me make this clear. A spouse who offers this does it for one of three reasons:

• First, they may no longer care enough about their spouse to commit to sexual relations, so they understand to keep the marriage intact they use the hall pass as an easy out to fulfill the sexual needs of their spouse. 
• Second, they may have been trying for years on end to please, arouse, or connect with their spouse, only to be denied and rejected for years on end. Eventually after years of rejection the rejected lover may need to re-ignite the former passion that had been lost by allowing their spouse the freedom to explore sexually and have a second awakening. This mentality comes not out of carelessness, lack of love, lack of devotion, but from the deepest and most profound desire to both re-connect and reignite the passion from their former lover. IT COMES FROM LOVE. Only a Jealous and careless partner would see this offer as a lack of love or marital commitment, for they don't truly know how to love nor show it in return.
• Third, this desire may stem from simple and common curiousness and a sense of sexual exploration that had yet to be fulfilled in the individuals life. They need more, they want more, the sex between husband and wife was either lackluster or becoming stale.

In my case nothing was further from the truth. I loved my husband, our life together, our sex life (which was just coming back to life after a slump during pregnancy and breastfeeding and the early months with a baby who slept like a bull in a china shop, and had my husband move into the guest room for months and months.) My desire to see other men was not based on a lack at home; it was not about escaping my marriage. It was more about… I do not know. It was more about a lust for life, I suppose.

That... and the undeniable fact that I love sex.

I was nervous as I considered asking him, I did not know what he would say. On the other hand we have always been open sexually, we have experimented and been free to let ourselves go in that area without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.

 

We had always explored these things together as a couple, though, so I was not sure how he would react to my wanting to explore on my own, but when I told him that maybe I would perhaps some time in the future possibly like to try something on my own with someone else maybe, he was completely ok with the idea and said “Yeah sure, just make sure you always practice safe sex.” I was a little surprised that he was so blasé about it, but in reality it did not shock me. As it turns out, there is not a jealous bone in his body – which is probably partly why I married him, as jealousy was one thing I could never live within a partner.

And that is how we opened up our marriage.

 

When I asked to have sex with other men, I took it upon myself to be extra aware of showing my husband that I loved him, appreciated him and our life together, and I appreciated the faith he had in me, in himself and in us. When he let me go explore, that is when I realized how much he loved me, and it made me love him all the more deeply.

I never understood why jealousy was an indication of how much you love someone, or why the lack of jealousy was seen as a lack of love. I love my husband deeply, I respect him – but I still do not experience jealousy when he goes out and explores with other people. I feel what is called ‘compersion’, the opposite to jealousy if you want, a feeling of joy when he is involved with others. And whereas I realize that a lot of people struggle with jealousy, I also know that it something you can work on, it is something you can live with, if not get over. The first step is being aware of your jealousy. The second is wanting to do something about it.

Wanting to open up our relationship was not because I was unfulfilled at home! It was an appetite for life that I was not interested in suppressing. Indeed, I feel blessed with hunger. And being let free to go explore made me love and respect my husband more than ever.

 

Why Modern Day Christians Have It All Wrong About Sex

We've posted other articles about sexuality and Christianity before, we would suggest you read them, but again to summarize:

• Sex is defined by god as being good.
• Sex between a man and a wife is good.
• Sex between a man and a woman before marriage is considered fine.
• Sex between a person other than your spouse is considered fine so long as both spouses consent, otherwise it is adultery.
• Sex between 2 men or 2 women is fine. (Again refer to Sodom & Gomorrah and Christ's teachings)

Now again, I know many Christians will jump to their feet and scream "that's not what the bible and our pastor teaches!". Well, I ask you then, have you read the bible? Have you read the stories that pastors use to condemn sex outside of marriage? If so you would certainly know they speak nothing of sex being wrong before, during, or outside of consenting marriages, you will see marriage between 2 females being blessed and approved by God, and you will see the story of Sodom and Gomorrah has nothing to do with condemning gays or lesbians... And to make matters worse, the bible we have now has been altered and twisted to shreds, the original meanings found in our original scripture say nothing of the sort of what our pastors currently teach.

 

Now don't get us wrong, we are as "say your prayers, read your scriptures, love your neighbor, love God and Christ, and live by his words" as it gets. We are literally hardcore Christians, but lets just face the facts, the bible has been twisted and taken so far out of context that its almost unrecognizable when it comes to sex. END OF STORY-SEX IS GOOD WHEN CONSENSUAL.

 

Dating While Married (DWM), There are Still Rules

Perhaps the most important thing to clarify when it comes to marital flirting, sexting, dating, or sex with another person, is establishing clear and concise rules about what you both agree upon.

 

Now again, the Christian minister down the street, and we as a couple, consider cheating to be 2 completely different things. What matters is you clearly define what is allowed in YOUR RELATIONSHIP. For example, is cheating considered simple flirting? Is it considered sexually teasing? Is it sending nude images? Is it considered meeting other people for drinks? Is it considered sleeping with other people? Or is it considered building a long term relationship with this new person? What's right to you as a couple, what's right to us as a couple, and what's right to your neighbor as a couple, are going to be completely different answers. It's important that you discus what is ok with each other.

 

Why He's Ok with HIS WIFE sleeping with other men:

I've always had low self-esteem around men, so this new flirtatious attention I'm getting from them has REALLY turned my head. I suddenly feel hot. I've never felt hot before. I'm always horny, I'm happy, and this all in turns helps me make love to my spouse more often.

Why I'm Ok with MY HUSBAND sleeping with other woman:

You might be thinking, "Wow! She's the coolest wife on the planet!" And yeah, I am. :)

I've seen how other women often treat their husbands. They nag them. They demand things of them. They even dictate what they can eat, when they can eat it, who they can see, when they can see them, and practically micro-manage every aspect of their lives.

Unless a guy has a kink where he likes that sort of thing (and it exists, believe me), most men resent being told what to do. I certainly resent anyone trying to tell ME what to do. Oh, it does NOT work out well for them.

 

Encouraging My Husband to Have Sex With Other Women Benefits Me in a Variety of Ways

• 1. It Makes Him Happy. When He's Happy, I'M Happy

• 2. It Takes the Heat Off Me

 

7 Reasons Flirting Is Good for Your Marriage

1. Flirting reminds you how sexy you are. When you’re in a long-term relationship, the belief that “this is the one person I will sleep with” can easily (and unhealthfully) translate into “this is the only person who will sleep with me.” Call me insecure, but I’ve always believed that sexiness is a collective effort. That is, it’s about how you interact with people, not just your one special person.

 

2. It also reminds you how sexy stability is. Flirting with people not-my-husband is the best kind of flirting I’ve ever enjoyed. When I was a single gal, getting my flirt on at watering holes hither and yon, there was always that little voice in the back of my head wondering, “Are we gonna regret this in the morning?” and reminding me, “If he takes you home and you see a video-game chair, RUN.” Now I get to flirt to my heart’s content, then come home and enjoy my sure thing. It really is the best combination.

has nothing to do with who I do (i.e., some rando). I have no interest in ruining my marriage, and even if I did, there are less messy ways to go about it than to go out and start up a raging flirtation. Being free to flirt is exhilarating; it reintroduces the thrill of the unknown into everyday life—which, let’s face it, is a thrill that’s hard to come by once you’re married with children.

4. A little jealousy in a marriage is not a terrible thing. If you were an over-emotional teen in the ’90s like me,

Jealousy, when you get right down to it, is just another way of saying, “I get how attractive you are.” And once I see a spark of jealousy from my man, all I want to do is reassure him that he’s the only one for me. (NB: That means have sex. Yay!)

5. Um, women keep a “spank bank,” too. Any male or female who claims to have enjoyed years of monogamous sex without indulging a few mental fantasies now and then is probably lying to you, unless they are definitely lying to you.

6. It’s okay if your spouse doesn’t push all your buttons. Before I got married, I never thought I’d wind up with a guy who, like me, would want to see a Broadway show one night and a college basketball game the next. Amazingly, I did find just such a guy to marry (hence, why I married him)—yet there are still areas of interest where we just don’t overlap. Rather than lament this lack of shared enthusiasm, I just go out and get my kicks for those things with other people: men, women, whatever.

7. Flirting with others reminds me to flirt with him. Having read my first six points, you might not believe this, but I’m no longer a flirting natural. I am, in fact, everything typical and drab about a 40-year-old married mom. At this very moment, I am wearing no makeup, a fabric headband, an ugly sweater I got at a clothing swap, and the same Old Navy sweatpants and t-shirt I wore yesterday. In such a uniform, the only things I regularly think about flirting with are baked goods.

But in a few days, my husband and I have plans for a group dinner with his work colleagues. I will apply deodorant and mascara and go stand around during the cocktail hour, hoping that someone will talk to me while my spouse makes his networking rounds. And when I do find someone to chat with, I will try to sparkle and scintillate. Then I will catch my husband’s eye across the room and he will wink at me and I will marvel at the fact that we’re still two people who love to catch each other’s eye from across a room. I think you know how the rest will play out.

Having Sex With Other People Makes My Husband and I Want Each Other More, End Of Story...

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