AN HONEST LETTER TO THE LOW DESIRE SPOUSE

The Letter

A recent email exchange quite literally saved one Arizona couple from relationship disaster, and with their permission (having changed names for privacy) they asked we share this for the many spouses who suffer silently waiting for a spouse who has forgotten entirely about their commitment to intimacy, and for those who unknowingly are ripping their marriages apart to the very core by neglecting their spouses physical needs.

THE LETTER

My wife and I have mismatched libidos, with hers being much higher. We have been married 11 years and have three kids and sex less that 10 times a year (maybe 3 or 4) for the past five years. My wife last night sat me down and made me read something she had written about the sex thing. I will be honest that I don't really get it, but she asked for my "official permission" to engage in extramarital affairs. She said she will be discreet and that me and our children will always come first.

I'm so angry. I'm hurt. I feel like she is saying that her need for sex is more important than the integrity of our marriage. What if the kids find out? What if our friends find out? How can I allow my WIFE into the bed knowing she is doing that with another man or women? I am angry and sick and I don't know what to do.

I will not get divorced so please don't suggest that! I still love my wife and our family very much.

My wife used to initiate sex all the time, but rarely does now. What do I do now?

 

OUR RESPONSE TO THE LETTER:

“I'm so angry. I'm hurt.”

Congratulations. Now you have an idea of what she's been feeling like for the past 5 years.

“I feel like she is saying that her need for sex is more important than the integrity of our marriage.”

Don't get her wrong. She's proposing this as a last-ditch effort to save your marriage. I have a question though. The above sentiment suggests that you don't see sex as important within the context of your marriage. You recognize that your libidos are mismatched and that your sex life is extremely infrequent. So sex isn't important. But then if it isn't important, why does the idea of her having sex with other man/woman make you angry and sick? I mean, if it's not important enough for you to work on it within the context of your own relationship with her, why is it so important that she not be allowed to have it with others?

“What if the kids find out? What if our friends find out? How can I allow MY WIFE into the bed knowing she is doing that with another woman or men? I am angry and sick and I don't know what to do.”

The funny thing about this? You don't mention how your wife feels. Do you care?

“My wife last night sat me down and made me read something he had written about the sex thing. I will be honest that I don't really get it.”

This. This is exactly where you need to start. You need to sit down and re-read it until you do get it. Feel free to post here and ask for help/advice, we will be more than happy to give it. Sometimes a third perspective helps greatly.

I don't get it either. You demand monogamy and provide only celibacy. She shouldn't have to ask your permission. I don't condone cheating, normally, but you're too self-centered to realize that you cheated him out of a normal relationship for almost a decade, you’ve been cheating on him for years, you just don’t realize it, I’d been there before myself, take it from someone who’s been there and realized my mistakes.


Most importantly a marriage takes work, without it it cant be maintained or improved, WORK. it takes work to date, it takes work to take care of our bodies, it takes work to provide financially, it takes work to maintain an orderly and clean home, it takes work to communicate and grow together. WHY THEN ARE YOU UNWILLING TO WORK FOR SEX? Of course, it takes work to shower, to put on cologne and a hot outfit, it takes work and time to engage sexually when we could instead be relaxing, lounging, or sleeping. SEX. TAKES. WORK. If you're not willing to do the work you need to allow her to have her needs met with someone who will do the work.

“I still love my wife and our family very much.”

She obviously still loves you too. Can you see that? Take a minute and think about it.

Ok, now think about it some more.

Now think about what she has quietly endured...the disconnect from you (that you don't get, we know), the shame of needing something and having that need diminished or ignored by the person she loves most, the fight that she wages (literally daily) over whether she continue another day, week, month in this relationship, the ongoing mental fortitude he must re-invigorate in order to allow her to put this need away in a dark place in her mind and hide from it.....all the while knowing that there is nothing she can do or say that will EVER help you help her.

Now think about this. She is young, steady, virile, and desirable. She is also in love. But that love is hanging by a thread. This is possibly the end if you don’t realize the damage you’ve caused. This is her last hope. If you cannot find a way to rescue her, she will "snap". It is not a guy thing, it is not a girl thing either. It is a human thing. Anyone here will tell you that they were in love up until the day they woke up and it was gone. When it is gone, it is gone. Too little too late will not bring it back. It will be gone.

You do not want this! You may think "Not her", she will never leave. Trust me, you are wrong. There will no "warning shot across the bow". No one will take you aside and say, "Do something now! She will leave tomorrow" unless you either allow her to fulfill her physical needs with someone else if you’re not willing to take care of her needs yourself.

Get involved, the window of opportunity is closing fast.

She is disconnecting and you don't seem to have a clue.

“I'm so angry.”

Why? Are you angry that you brought this on yourself?

Are you angry that you didn't see this coming?

Are you angry that you no longer get to control her sexuality?

Why are you angry? You don't want sex with her, and now it's mutual. You’ve got what you wanted--a wife who doesn't want to have sex with you.

Why are you angry? You no longer have to reject her 360 days a year. Did you enjoy rejecting her? Are you missing the power you had over her

“I'm hurt.”

That is...odd... You REJECTED her to the point where she no longer wants you and YOU think YOU have the right to be hurt? That's like an abuser whining about his hand hurting because he slapped his victim too hard.

“How can I allow my WIFE into the bed knowing she is doing that with another man or woman?”

Well, you only allow her a few times a year anyway, so why would you notice. To you, sex isn't a big deal, or you wouldn't reject her so often... But when she goes elsewhere for it, you go in ALL CAPS mode. You're a hypocrite.

You don't want her, but you don't want anyone else to have her either. Do you realize how twisted, narcissistic, cold hearted, and flat out cruel your mentality is at this moment in time? You'd rather her just suffer and only be allowed on your 4 day per year schedule.

“I will not get divorced so please don't suggest that!”

You divorced physically her long ago. You were just too self-centered to realize it. If you can't LISTEN to her, why are you with her? She wants sex more often than you care to provide, you prefer to deny. She doesn't like that. You don't care.

Now that she's found an outlet, you claim to be hurt and angry. You fail to see your role in this. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the integrity of your marriage has been gone for a long time. In her eyes, you chose to ignore what she needed to stay fufilled. In her eyes, she is doing what he has to to stop herself from hating you, and eventually disengaging from you completely. In her eyes, she can't trust you with something she needs.

Once that trust is gone, you might as well have been cheating, because you have been, you just didn’t realize it… She married you with an expectation of a fulfilling sex life - which you can't/won't provide. (Maybe legit reasons, maybe not.) If she knew that sex would be <10 per year indefinitely, do you honestly believe she would have married you? She needs someone to physically love and be loved in return in the same way. She wants to pick you, but because you’ve rejected her she has to settle for a 2nd best with someone else.

 

DON’T BE THAT CRUEL HEARTLESS SPOUSE WHO WONT GIVE PHYSICALLY, YET EXPECTS THEM TO PHYSICALLY SHUT DOWN THEIR NEEDS.

 

Here's my suggestion for you, kitten. As one who has been in your exact predicament, and overcome it to find a happy and healthy marriage, I speak not out of anger, but out of love, compassion, and hope, and specially out of empathy towards her who you’ve ignored for so many years.

 

Ask your wife to table the conversation and give you six months to try and provide her a sexual relationship. And then you initiate. Initiate sex with your wife. I imagine it won't go super well at first. She's out of practice. But perhaps if you could do 100% of the initiating, at a reasonable pace, say ONCE a week for six months, then maybe she would no longer find a need to achieve intimacy outside of the marriage. I feel like you're so deeply opposed to divorce that perhaps you'd be willing to have sex once a week with your wife. Maybe after six months of that, she would be happy to stay with you.

 

However, I hope you understand that if you continue to neither have sex with your wife, nor allow her to have sex with someone else, perhaps she will chose options you like less. Maybe if you don't have sex with her and refuse her permission to have sex with anyone at all, maybe she'll stay and let you think everything is fine, all the while starting a satisfying affair. That's another option for people for people whose spouses will not have sex them nor allow them to have sex with others.

I bet you could avoid all that, if you resumed a sexual relationship with him, they ball is entirely in your court, your marriage is in your complete control, she is ready and willing to commit to you again, but if you won’t commit back she needs another outlet to express her needs.

 

With love,

Whitney Benson