THE "STAY AT HOME MOM"

Not in the Mood? Ask Yourself, 'Why Not?'

THE STAY AT HOME MOM DILLEMA…

As a SAHM myself, I can with 100% confidence tell you there’s nothing more gratifying, yet demoralizing than staying at home to take care of our children, it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times so to speak. Of the hundreds of emails I get weekly from readers most comes from stay at home women who simply don’t know how to: 1) keep themselves composed, 2) have time to think about sex or be sexual, and 3) how to remain happy in the midst of such monotonous and rigorous work.

Now here’s the good news…Staying at home with your children can be one of the best gifts you can get, and give, seeing them blossom and grow in front of your very eyes, growing personally from it, as you help them, your husband, and yourself become the perfect family you’ve always dreamed about having. The pressure lies heavily on your shoulders if you want this marital family bliss to take shape. But it's easy to lose sight of how wonderful an experience it can be. Instead of falling into the complaining trap, adopt a few of these habits that highly effective (and sane) stay-at-home moms put into practice every day. Instead of choosing bliss, we form bad habits, wasting time binge watching all hundred seasons of the tv show friends in a single week, at some point we realize WE HAVE A PROBLEM. WE’VE LOST OURELVES.

Women need to recognize how a man understands a wife’s refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. If your husband became quiet and distant, wouldn’t you want to know what was going on? And if he told you he was upset about the lack of sex in your marriage, how would you respond?

Too often women blame their mood when it comes to making love. If you wait until you are in the mood to go to work, head to the gym, or change your baby’s diaper, you might be sitting on the couch for quite some time. Every day, you decide to behave in ways that go against your mood. Yet somehow when it comes to sex, mood trumps everything else. We like sex best when we have the desire for it. But there are stages in life when we won’t have the desire for it, like when the kids are young and we’re exhausted. Duty sex and demand sex never work. When you do it out of obligation, it may work for tonight but not long term. But sex by decision can work, and there’s a big difference.

Duty says, “I know he needs it. He’s a man. It’s been seven days. But I’m tired and I don’t feel like it.” That’s duty sex, and it’s not going to work. Sex by decision says, “You know what, it’s been seven days. I know I need it, and I know we need it. Let’s make a plan for how we can make it the best for both of us.” It’s got to be as good for her as it is for him if it’s going to work for a lifetime. Wives need to design life so we can get with the program sexually rather than saying I need to put out even when I’m exhausted because he needs it. That will never work.

I’m afraid that many women are missing out on how great sex can be, and what a great sex life they can have, because they figure they don’t want sex, they aren’t “in the mood” so they can’t, because it would be somehow akin to faking. But to start to kiss him when he wants to make love, and to start to let your hands wander, and to respond to his hands wandering, is not faking. It’s responding. And when you put your head in the game, as Rosemary Basson found, women do tend to heat up. No matter what he does, he can’t arouse you unless you decide to become aroused, because we control our own sex drive. He’s pursuing, and we’re choosing to be caught. Incidentally, this is what men often wish women understood. They desire sex not just for physical release, or even primarily for physical release. Sex is their way of seeing if we actually will respond to them and accept them. It’s their way of seeing whether we would choose them again. So what really interests a man is not his orgasm nearly as much as it is his wife’s ability–or choice–to respond sexually.

Stay-at-Home Moms More Depressed, Angry and Sad, Study Says

A study found that 28 percent of stay-at-home moms reported depression a lot of the day when asked how they were feeling the day before, but only 17 percent of employed moms did. Of the group, 26 percent of SAHMs said they experienced depression, vs. just 16 percent of working moms. And 41 percent of the at-homers reported worry, compared to only 34 percent of their counterparts.

One reason stay-at-home moms might feel more down than working moms is a lack of appreciation – or a missing sense of accomplishment. At the end of the day, working moms can list a set of tasks they conquered, explains licensed counselor Erika Myers. But it can be difficult for a SAHM to pinpoint what she did during the day, even if she’s been busy the entire time. “Moms do a lot of work but don’t get paid for it,” therapist and psychology professor Diane Lang said. “They work 365 days a year with no sick time, vacation time or time paid off.” Thus it becomes that more pivotal that your husband play an active role at home in sharing household and children duties to keep you sane.

MY TIPS ON BECOMING THE PERFECT STAY AT HOME MOM (though we will never be perfect)

1. Avoiding the isolation factor

One key aspect of being a stay-at-home mom that might contribute to anger and depression is isolation. Working moms get to be “real” people with interests, skills and relationships outside of the home. A stay-at-home mom must work hard to maintain relationships that aren’t about being a mom, because that’s what her life is focused on. Many SAHMs find they are friends with people they have nothing in common with – except their homemaker status. Some days, a stay-at-home mom may not interact with any adults at all. It’s important that you spend time daily talking or being with other adults, whether that be friends, sisters, parents, one on one time with your husband, hobby groups, even online hobby/interests groups can help you fill this void.
2. Combating the bad feelings

To help feel more accomplished at the end of the day, a SAHM can make a list of the tasks completed. Nothing is more important as a stay at home mother than managing your time wisely, it is so incredibly easy to sink into a rut by spending the entire day focused on the child, or binge watching the latest and greatest show. Once my husband came home to me a total mess, and asked when the last time I had showered was, “Tuesday” I responded, “but its Friday” he said, realizing I had neither showered nor changed my clothing in four days made me feel like a complete slob. Talk with your partner about the challenges of staying at home – and how the partner can help meet the stay-at-home moms needs for appreciation, understanding and connection.

 

3. Take time for yourself

Another crucial step? Take some time for yourself. Personal development and continued learning greatly boosts happiness. Many moms take classes at local libraries or adult education centers on cooking, scrapbooking, languages, etc. This helps with both social and intellectual stimulation that women might lack from staying at home. No matter the thing, you need to have your own thing, your own hobby, your own special interest that makes you happy. DAILY!

Or even consider joining a moms’ group, club or other social activity. If you’re concerned over the cost of childcare, there’s also the option of joining a church group or gym that has a nursery. “Doing a childcare swap with another stay-at-home mom to allow some personal time each week, and filling that time with things that are personally satisfying – not just errands – can help the stay-at-home mom feed some of her own needs,” Myers says. If nothing else reach out to a family member who would be willing to take the child once a week, just to allow you some time to be you again.

We know you love your family. We know you adore your kids. But, every mom out there also knows that family and kids stress you out and play on your last nerve somewhere along the line. Yet I've heard SAHM after SAHM over the years try and convince us (or themselves, maybe) that they don't need time away from home or even mom friends. That's bollocks and you know it. Needing time away from your kids does not make you a bad mom (unless you are planning to leave and never come back, that is). It makes you an amazing mom for knowing your limits and not pushing them to the detriment of yourself or your family. So, make some mom friends, go out and have a cup of coffee, and don't feel guilty about it. You deserve it, and you've earned it.

 4. "I don't need to shower."

I've heard it so many times before. "I'm just a SAHM, I don't need to shower everyday," or even worse, "I'm a SAHM to a newborn/toddler/teenager—I don't have time to shower during the day." Ladies, showering on a regular basis keeps you feeling human. It revitalizes you and gives you even just ten minutes to yourself to recharge. And if you have one child at home and are a SAHM, you have time to shower, for Pete's sake. The child will sleep eventually, and even if you have to wait until they are in bed at night or set an alarm for ten minutes earlier in the morning, you can facilitate a shower. I understand that if you don't do much during the day and don't leave the house; there is that side of you that whispers, "You don't need to shower today," but ignore that voice. Do it for yourself. Do it to teach your child(ren) good hygiene habits. Just do it. It’s amazing how something as simple as a shower will invigorate your mind, and give you the energy to remain happy and productive.

5. Take pride in your appearance and hygiene

"It doesn't matter how I look. I'm just a stay-at-home mom." Honey, you should care how you look. Too many times I have seen a frazzled looking mother at the grocery store, kids hanging all off of her, wearing a vomit stained shirt and holey sweat pants. Don't be that mom. Now, I'm not saying become a 1950s housewife whose hair is perfect, makeup is perfect and who wears a dress and heels to mop the floor. But take pride in your appearance. After taking that mandatory shower take 5 minutes to put on some clean clothes and get yourself feeling feminine again. So many SAHMs get lost in being so-and-so's mom and forget that they are individual women first.

I woke up one morning as the stay-at-home mom of a two-year-old and four-year-old who took a shower once every three days, wore old PJs around the house, never bothered to do my hair or makeup, and looked hard at myself in the mirror. No wonder my self-esteem was below normal. No wonder my husband and I never had sex. No wonder I didn't feel like myself anymore, or even a woman for that matter. It was that day that I made a promise to myself to take care of myself. I showered every day, put on comfy clothes that made me feel great (my go-to is a tank top and jeans), and even ran a brush and some product through my hair and spent five minutes on makeup, even if I wasn't leaving the house. The result was amazing. Almost instantly you are reminded that you are a beautiful, sexy woman who yes, is a mother, but that's not all she is. You breathe life back into yourself again, back into your sex life again, and as a result, your kids get a more positive you. It's a win-win.

For a five minute SAHM makeover, take a few minutes to figure out what your quick go-to products are. For me, it's face powder, eyeliner and mascara. My sister's three are tinted concealer, mascara and lip gloss. It takes me all of three minutes to apply these things, so I do so—every day. Some days I'll spritz some body spray on and feel even more feminine. Even if you don't like wearing makeup, find a hair product you and body spray and take five minutes to pull yourself together. If you do wear makeup, but it takes forever to apply, then pick out no more than four products and spend a few minutes in the mirror perfecting the quick application of these products. I promise you that it takes less than five minutes to go from tired SAHM to a feminine you, and the emotional boost is amazing!

6. Don’t stress the small stuff

"Being a stay-at-home mom is so stressful." Tiring, yes. Frustrating, yes. Stressful, not so much. I'm a SAHM now and have been one in the past, but I've also been a working mom. I've been a single working mom. I've been an unemployed single mom. I've been a work-at-home mom. I have been them all. And let me tell you, being a stay-at-home mom is the least stressful of them all. Now, I used to be guilty of telling this lie when my kids were younger. It took my marriage falling apart and me becoming every other type of mom under the sun for me to realize that being a stay-at-home mom is a piece of cake compared to the alternatives. Yes, you are around your child(ren) all day long, which can be tiring, but at least you are around them and not spending 8+ hours working your ass off at a job to get home and find your kids already asleep for the night and you have no idea how their day went. You'll more than likely be there for their first steps, their first words, their first piano recital, instead of having to decide whether you can afford to use the sick leave you have saved to be able to skip work to go see it. And most importantly, you have a great deal of control over what (or who) influences your children, instead of not knowing if they picked up that nasty language from school, the daycare or the babysitter who all have contact with your child before you do at night. Be thankful you are a stay-at-home mom. I'm sure you made the decision to be one, so embrace it and see how positive it is- and how lucky you are. It truly is a blessing.

7. A clean home is a happy home

"There's no need to clean my house because the kids just wreck it again." This one is one of my favorites. Whenever I hear this one, I want to reply back, "So, do you just not worry about breakfast because the kids will eat again at lunch?" Kids are one huge tornado as the icing on a cake of dirt, cheesy poof fingers and dog poop on their shoes. This is a truth. Not cleaning up your house because the kids will just wreck it again is a bigger piece of crap than what little Timmy just drudged through the house. Teach your kids how to clean while you straighten everything and have them help. Even an 18-month-old can put their blocks back into a bucket. I'm not saying your house should be white-glove inspection immaculate, but it only takes a few minutes to throw the kids' random toys into a clothes basket and dump it in their room.

The key to romance and a healthy sex drive is cleanliness, without it our female minds tend to unravel and worry more about our surroundings, causing us to stress and take focus off the things that really matter. Along these same lines, studies have shown that keeping the shades open allows us to become more productive, and less like a grumpy hermit. Sunlight plays a big impact in keeping depression away, as it gives us essential vitamins, and also allows us to see outside the walls of our own homes, get outdoors daily and you’ll be sure to keep the blues away.

 

8. They Get Help

Many a stay-at-home mom feels that because she stays home, she shouldn't enlist the help of others, be them paid or otherwise. Happy at-home moms ignore the guilt and will get help as they see fit. Being able to sneak off to your doctor or a much needed girls' night out does wonders for a mama's soul.

And above all, remember that you are a woman before you are a mom. If you don't take care of yourself properly, then you can't possibly take care of your child properly. So get yourself into the right frame of mind, take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally, and you'll see a positive change in yourself and your family.

 

9. They Take Time For Themselves

Me, I don't completely enjoy exercise, so I don't count that as my "me" time. By carving out time for yourself, you're forced to put yourself first. And really, you should do this several times throughout the week, even if it's just taking time to read a book for 20 minutes or going to get a pedicure.

10. Exercises daily

Whether it’s in the morning before the kiddies rise, or during the afternoon when they nap, or even after their bed time, you need to be spending 35-60 minutes a day on maintaining a fit and sexy body. Women who maintain healthy lifestyles and normal weights tend to have sex nearly 3 times more than overweight women. Staying fit promotes self-confidence, horniness, and blood flow to the pelvic regions. Ignoring this one aspect will essentially guarantee a lackluster sex drive and sex life. Taking time to groom yourself as well will help you to stay productive and horny as well. Along with this, she maintains her looks and grooming.

 

11. Husbands role in helping

What we do need is help with the dirty dishes, trash, whatever it is, don't bring a mess into my house unless you plan to clean up after your dang self because I'm tired. Take time to tend to the yard, mowing, weeding, mending projects, etc. Nothing turns me on more than seeing Brett take charge of a temper tantrum or boo boo that needs mending, a good man will always make time to be a daddy as a well as a husband. Take the initiative and take the crying baby at night, change the diaper, calm the fussiness, run the errands, be her support as well as her provider. If you can be this for her, chances are she’ll be the sexy thing you fell in love with so long ago.

Most of all, let us know we’re appreciated, loved, being a SAHM is a thankless job often. Don’t take us for granted.

Now, please keep in mind that these pet peeves apply to everyday stay-at-home moms with no extenuating circumstances. Moms with twins, triplets or more kids that are the same age -- exempt. Moms with 4+ kids -- partially exempt. Moms with special needs kids -- exempt. Moms who homeschool -- exempt. Y'all are more than pulling your share of stress and craziness, so my heart goes out to you all.

 

What he needs:

One day Bretts car was in the shop so I waited in his parking lot to pick him up, on his way out he was chatting with what I thought to be someone much hotter than I could ever be, in my pajamas still, hair unkept, unshowered in days, I asked myself all the questions a woman in my position asks: Is she prettier than me? Younger? Does she laugh at his jokes? Does he want her more than he wants me? Would he leave me for her? What am I not doing that he needs? Brett after all took care of us financially, was a perfect loving father, took care of all the housework, chores, and errands that needed done, and even was fit and sexy as could be.

Then it hit me...

Sex.

 While he appreciates all I do for our family, I rarely do anything for him. It has to be about sex. That’s the most important thing to a man, right? Someone must have stepped in when I dropped the ball? I started forming a calendar in my head, counting on my fingers how often I had offered my husband sexual pleasure. How many times had I said I was too tired? What changed when the baby came? The numbers were dismal, bleak, and depressing, maybe once every few months at best… And when I had provided sex, it wasn’t anything spectacular, it was pity sex, lackluster and lazy. How could I let some other woman show me up like this? How could I have let some other candidate slip in and try and usurp my role? Technically, I had no proof they consummated their relationship; in fact, logistically it wasn’t possible — but she was at least a threat in my mind, possibly offering something he wanted that I was not. I realized the answer was right in front of me. I could beat this; I could become what he needed.

I felt like a warrior, the opposite of a quitter. There were those people who let their marriage become a cliché and a statistic, and then there was me, someone who had a plan for success. I was going to screw our relationship back together... pun intended. If I was going to do this, there could be no room for error this time — I had to be the perfect object of his sexual appetite. I had to treat it like it was my job. I had to become somewhat of a porn star for him. Time was of the essence.

Step 1: Body.

First I had to stop eating, immediately. There’s baby weight and then there’s what you’ve become on top of it, I could at least slim down. Here's some basic exercises each of us should be doing daily, these simple 30-60 minute daily sessions transformed my body and helped me drop 30+ pounds within a matter of months. So many of us mothers struggle with losing the extra flab, look online for advice and success stories of mothers who managed it all at once and lost the weight.

Step 2: Attire and props.

My maternity jammies that were too comfy to part with weren’t going to do. The nursing bras need to be burned. I needed the uniform and the tools. I packed up and went a few miles south where the property values plummeted and pawn shops proliferated the scenery. There was the sex shop I always passed on my way home, I needed toys, and edible objects and whips and handcuffs. I couldn’t bring myself to enter. I left the bad part of town and ended up at the clothing store in the nice strip mall. I found a few pieces in the bridal lingerie section that were fancy enough — the irony was not lost on me. Other adult novelty items would have to wait. Learn to use your assets well, if you've got a great behind, show it off, if your gifted with a great chest, the more cleavage the better, learn to tease, and tease often, flash him, grab him, kiss him, spank him, beg him, learn to be more vocal as a couple and you will crave him nightly.

Step 3: Doing the deed... a lot.

Learn to make sex less like this

And more like this

 

Every time I saw him, I pounced. He was confused at first, but went along with it like a child reluctant to turn away free ice cream. After the first few days, other than the occasional, ‘What’s gotten into you?’ he didn’t say much about the change. I did everything in my power to rock his world. I was a machine. I surprised him at lunch, porn star mode while pulled into the crappy car wash. When he remarked why the dishes hadn’t been done for a week, porn star mode right in front of the empty dishwasher. I performed more times in a month than I had in the entirety of our three year marriage. There were positions I should not have attempted given my lack of flexibility and tendency to get vertigo. There were phrases used in the heat of “passion”, I lost a lot of sleep in between my daytime job, my new job in the bedroom, and the baby. It was enjoyable for me, and I was winning.


What it comes down to is your attitude, men ask for so little in our relationships, and when we step back and think about it, we ask them to do a whole lot more than we do for each other. If your mentality is where it needs to be you will recognize and enjoy different types of sex, there will be times when it will be slow and cuddly and you will enjoy his warm embrace and company. There will be other times when the sex is fast paced and you both cant stop smiling, as you struggle to catch your breath. There will be times when your aggressive or submissive, and you enjoy the change of pace, and there will be times when its gritty and animalistic. If you cant find joy and fun in each of these types of sex, your mind is in the entirely wrong mentality... A True sexual enthusiast learns to love it all, and experience it all regularly.

 http://www.lovepanky.com/women/how-to-tips-and-guide-for-women/how-to-be-the-sexy-wife-of-your-husbands-dreams

 

 

SO HERE'S THE DEAL: BEING A SAHM WILL EITHER MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE PERFECT, OR IT WILL DESTROY IT. BUT THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU! Every day you must make the choice to do things that will either better yourself, or lead to regression and depression.

 

DAILY SAHM CHECKLIST:

•  Shower
• Freshen up (make up from time to time)
• Daily Hobby
• Daily Chat with other adults
• Learn something new daily (baby book, or relationship blogs, scholastic, etc)
• Do something that keeps your mind sexually sharp (read a sex blog, masturbate, watch a video, erotic texts or emails, sext, plan a sexy date or sex itself, etc)
• Minimize television time (if you cant live without it only have it playing in the background while you multitask)
• exercise daily 30-60 minutes
• Make the bed and keep the bedroom spotless, this simple task creates an urgency in us to keep everything else clean (ourselves included)
• 30 minutes of relaxation minimum
• Go outside for at least 10 minutes a day (sunshine reduces depression and is good mentally)
• PLAN EVERY DAY OUT!!!

 

WEEKLY SAHM CHECKLIST:

• Girl time with friends or family
• Date your spouse somehow
• Never go a week without sex... NEVER! it creates a habit.
• Surprise him orally (it will encourage him to do the same)
• Wear something skanky around the house when the kids are down, it builds self esteem and encourages sexuality (perhaps a 2 piece bikini, cut off shorts, lots of cleavage, lingerie, or even go topless)
• Get out of the house and do something fun with the kiddies
• Wear tight fitting clothing at least a few times a week (pj's are fine from time to time)

 

SAHM MONTHKY CHECKLIST

• Date your spouse 1 on 1 (no children allowed)
• Have slow romantic sex
• Have a fun fuck
• plan a sexual surprise for your marriage
• make a romantic meal for your man

By sticking to this routine we can ensure happiness for both ourselves, or husband, our children, and our marriage. So many women complain that being a SAHM is so hard, but ladies lets be honest its just not, having been one most of our marriage I can honestly say its easy work, its just a bit of cooking, weekly cleaning, baby sitting, and working on ourselves. We have the time to perfect our marriage and ourselves, the only obstacle is our own willingness often times.

Take my advice, make yourself accountable! make a daily to do list and show it to your husband before and after every day, it will help you avoid binge watching tv all day, and maintain a healthy and happy you/marriage.