HOW SEX SAVED OUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY, AND CAN SAVE YOURS TOO.

WE HAVE MERGED All OF OUR "SEXLESS MARRIAGE" POSTS INTO ONE FOR BETTER UNDERSTANDING.

Before proceeding we ask that if your marriage averages sex less than 12 times per year (which is the definition of a sexless marriage), that you grab a pen and paper, rip out 3 pages and entitle them:

1) How I'm hurting my spouse by withholding sex and romance 
2) How I'm hurting my marriage by withholding sex and romance
3) How I plan to make changes and act on my intent to save my spouse & marriage

Throughout our posts we will highlight numbers 1 & 2 using blue and purple, when you see a blue highlight, add it to your first list, when you see purple add it to the second list, and as for the third list, that is for you to decide how to change. Here's what we suggest, read it together, talk about it, and then on your own go back, re-read it, look for ways to solve number 3, as an individual, and together.

I am a survivor, my husband is a survivor, and we survived, but not by much. Nearly two years ago our family found itself slowly crumbling, unraveling within for some untraceable reason, day by day hour by hour our marriage weakened, hostility grew, frustration boiled over, and communication broke down.

AS WE TELL OUR STORY AND WHAT WORKED BEST FOR US, WE BOTH ENCOURAGE YOU TO CONSIDER THE QUOTES AND PICTURES WE USE IN EXPLAINING INTIMACY, AND HOW IT EFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS.

-Whitney Benson-

Somehow over the course of ten year marriage we had both lost sight on what really mattered in our lives, my focus dealt primarily with home duties, tending to our infants, running errands, keeping up with household duties, while Brett slowly advanced as an accountant with a major nationwide firm, carrying him away on business monthly, with long hours away from home. To be honest, while both of us were home nightly and together neither of us were ever truly home, instead focused on our own little world, our own problems, our own priorities, and eventually the others issues that were wrecking hazardously upon our relationship.

Fortunately for myself (Whitney) and my husband (Brett) we realized our marriage weaknesses before it was too late, having grown up in a divorced family I personally understand the sting and heartbreak that can occur when a couple falls out of love. For this reason Brett and I wanted to express and share our experience, our success stories, our techniques, and our ideas that over the past 2 years have rejuvenated, spiced up, and brought a whole new life to our marriage.  Friends would often talk about their issues in the bedroom, bewildered at how we managed to turn things around so quickly, and frankly, so simply!

As lifelong Christians we had a fairly simple and “vanilla” sex life, never able to fully overcome the negative stigmas of sex and intimacy being bad, as we were taught during our childhood. When it occurred it was decent at best, both of us completely ignorant and unaware of how to truly please or behave during intercourse. Through nobody’s fault but our own we lost interest in sex, never knowing just how important and fun it could be, rapidly the loving connection began to fade…

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, often I would think to myself “Why doesn’t he want me anymore? Why hasn’t he touched me? Where did that lustful look go? Why don’t I want him anymore?” Naturally I assumed tomorrow it would just happen, we would without thinking about it break out of our rut and go into full sex freak mode, but again… weeks turned into months.

Slowly as the honeymoon phase ended, life took over, work, school, church responsibilities, errands, home projects, and most recently children, all taking our focus off of what really mattered… EACHOTHER!!!

Ultimately our goal as a family is and always was happiness, however reaching that goal was doing the exact opposite. What good is money if we’re not together to use it? What good is it having Children if we can’t raise them together? What good is it finishing our errands, cleaning up the home, finishing home improvements, if our family is miserable, and inevitably splits up? No achievements or successes in any of these areas can or ever will compensate for failure within the family, not chores, not school, not work, not the home, not our other day to day responsibilities should ever come before our loved ones. Are they necessary, yes! Should they come first? Absolutely not!

Over the coming days and months we look forward to sharing our inspiration with all who care to read, hopefully by doing so your relationships can find the same level of happiness as we have these past two years. Both Brett and I plan on posting weekly with our own successes and techniques we’ve used to combat complacency and make our marriage the hottest two years of our lives. Any and all wishing to chime in may feel free, you may also contact us directly at WBBENDON @ GMAIL if you’d like to ask more personal or private details.

My friends, Sex takes time! Sex takes effort! Sex takes planning!(sometimes), Sex takes personal exploration and education, Sex takes two willing, engaged, devoted, adventurous, loving, energetic people who are willing to put aside the meaningless distractions and find new and exciting ways to please their partner. We look forward to sharing our experiences over the coming days. Please be advised that these discussions are adult oriented and meant to be read by adults and couples only.

Thank you all! And GOD BLESS!

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE SUPRESS OUR SEXUAL URGES?

-Whitney Benson-

What Happens When We Repress Our Sexuality?  What happens when we as a spouse are repeatedly denied intimacy for months and years on end? What happens to our desire to connect to our partner when every effort we make to connect is treated as an act of hostility and selfishness? 

1. Something dies inside of us. IT LITERALLY IS SOUL CRUSHING Our sexual energy is our life force, our spirit, the energy that courses through our bodies when we play sports, go to work, create art, read a book, and definitely make love. This creative, sexual energy can drive us to make babies, write symphonies, start running, or just simply be happy that we woke up this morning.
But when it is repressed, controlled, or put in a box, something inside us dies… We have less energy, less joy in life, less innocence, less optimism and less desire to try new things. Tragically the end result is of being romantically neglected for months or years on end is indifference to everything around us, specially towards the one causing us the pain.

2. The energy twists into something else
Because this is our life energy, it must keep flowing… When a river gets blocked by something, the water WILL find another route. The water is there. There is pressure to keep it flowing. And so it will quickly or slowly find another route. Often this route is anger, anger at ourselves, our spouse, our family, or others in general. Similarly with us… Maybe it turns into an addiction to masturbation, porn, or prostitution. Maybe it becomes anger and bitterness. Maybe it becomes a shopping addiction or an obsession about how one looks. But one way or another, that stifled energy will find a way out… But because it isn’t flowing out in a natural, easy way, the path will be destructive and not a positive one. Ultimately we loose our ability to function in most other aspects of our lives, not knowing why our attention and care has faded.

3.We default to procreative sex
Unfortunately, the only thing that most kids learn growing up is “Don’t have sex. And if you do, use protection.” That’s it.
Luckily for us, there is a primal urge to procreate. And also luckily the parts needed to procreate respond on cue. The parts all fit together.. And THERE! They’ve had sex. And it’s…. ok… I guess…
As we grow older, we might learn a few tricks about how to pleasure a partner and how to gain more pleasure ourselves… But the main framework is the same… And sometimes it’s great… But oftentimes it’s just ok … or not ok at all considering how many issues there are in society with impotence, frigidity, premature ejaculation, lack of sex drive, lack of female orgasms… etc..

4. We Never Learn What Our Marriage Is Actually Capable of
We are designed for MUCH more than procreative sex.
Our sexual energy can bring us to heights of pleasure that are far beyond what we can imagine.
That energy can be passed between partners to create bonds that make us feel truly secure, connected, and complete – within the relationship and within ourselves.
When we approach sexuality in a sacred way, it can heal our deepest wounds. It can truly heal a broken spirit.

 This energy can actually regenerate us and give us amazing amounts of energy for days afterwards.
It can even give us an experience of the divine… And What happens when we embrace our sexuality? We have abundant energy and life force flowing through our beings!
We love life. We are optimistic. We are creative and are simply happy that we got to wake up this morning! Our paths are straight. No twists in the road. We can see clearly what we are doing. No hidden agendas. Our relationships are rich. Our sexual experiences energize and connect us.

SEXLESS MARRIAGES: SEEKING UNDERSTANDING AMIDST THE PAIN -Whitney & Brett Benson-

We've been hesitant to speak on this topic, but after the enormous outpouring of questions as of late we felt it prudent to address it openly and honestly. Some of our readers have been gracious enough to allow us to quote from their stories and pain caused by emotional neglect.

Sexless Relationship is an Abusive Relationship

Obviously, when the physical aspect of a relationship goes cold, the effects can be devastating.  Usually there is one person in the couple who has the lower libido and one who has the higher.  Their reactions are different, and it’s the higher libido person who grows more frustrated and dissatisfied in the relationship.  This can lead to depression, anger and even infidelity. Luckily, dead bedrooms can be resurrected.  And even if your bedroom isn’t quite dead yet, but is on life support, consider implementing some of these ideas sooner rather than later:

Refusing Sex = Emotional Abuse  Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse.

Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse.


Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled.

INFIDELITY: ITS NOT JUST CHEATING...

When we hear about infidelity the first thought that comes into our mind is usually a spouse who sexually cheated on their partner, but often we forget the other half of the meaning. We also can commit infidelity by abandoning our partner sexually, which is so often the case in a sexless relationship.

At the time, someone suggested to me that this type of event typically takes two years to mentally recover from. Yet two years on there is still this part of me that feels a big hole, like a depth of emotional intimacy that we once shared has gone. Has it really gone forever, or will more time heal it, or is it that I simply have to be more forgiving? Can you really recover fully from infidelity or is it just so damaging that a scar will always remain?

Why Is Infidelity So Painful? Being cheated on or being abandoned sexually by a romantic partner can be excruciatingly painful. How painful it is often depends on a number of factors:

1. Was it a one-time event? Or was it a repeat event?
2. Was it accidental cheating?

You feel like trash, unworthy of being loved, unworthy of being. That feeling of pain and betrayal may be the greatest contributor to your misery—what hinders you from healing from the infidelity. It's a dangerous feeling, and certainly not one you deserve to undergo after being treated by your one and only with disdain and disrespect.

Infidelity changes who you are forever. It robs you of your past, it makes your present excruciatingly unbearable and it makes your future look hopeless. It strips you of your self esteem and your self worth. It leaves you naked, vulnerable, and alone.

Infidelity is truly Hell on Earth. Your mind is tormented every second of every day with the images and the movies that it conjures up. You can't get it too stop. The only respite that you have is sleep and even then, there are times when you have dreams about it and wake up crying.

You spend each day just trying to survive. Sometimes the pain is so intense that you pray for death...

You feel lost. You feel unanchored. You feel alone.

If you think that what I have written is an over dramatization of infidelity, then you have a long way to go. You do not have an understanding of what you have done to your spouse. You have no empathy or compassion. You are still being selfish and thinking only of yourself.

If you truly are remorseful, then you will weep for what you have done to your spouse...the one that you promised to love, honor, and cherish. You will put your own feelings aside and do whatever, and I mean whatever, it takes to try and make them whole again.

You took a sledgehammer to your spouse's knee and smashed it to bits. You cannot tell them to get up and walk and then get angry because they can't. If you do this, then it is like taking another sledgehammer and smashing their other knee and expecting them to walk. You cannot leave them lying there. You must help them. You must be gentle and caring and help them until they heal. They are in pain and may lash out at you, but you must remember...you and you alone did this to them.

It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry. It is crippling. It is emotionally painful.  It indeed hurts.  It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this.  Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open and take steps to fix it.

From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying.  Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much so... they give up. (please read associated article)
https://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage


Perhaps the biggest threat to our marriage comes when the neglectful abuse repeats itself year after year, as the author above stated that by ignoring him sexually and emotionally for years, and finally deciding to be intimate years later only to have him not want anything to do with me physically that "I had trained him not to want me. I did that by giving him two choices. One, to hurt. Or the other, to find a way to ignore his desire until he simply didn’t want me anymore. Over time, he had no choice.”


Have you ever wondered why so many husbands start ignoring their wives when we talk to them after years of marriage? does he forget the to do items you give him? does he always seem confused when you ask him to do something? Have you ever stopped to consider that you did it to yourself? The truth is we as women do this to our husbands, after years of neglect and sexless relationships they have been brainwashed to tune everything about us out of their heads... they still love us, but they have been cut so deep emotionally that they have no choice but to shut down emotionally to cope with the pain. My heart breaks, my heart even now still aches at the pain I caused my spouse, the one person I promised never to abandoned...


If this story rings true to wither of you your marriage is in serious danger, it is either about to end or you are about to become permanent roommates instead of partners. The cure to this is extreme, you have programmed his mind for so very long that its not going to change overnight, in fact it may take 1-2 years to ever get back to a healthy state. It will require you to change in ways you never thought possible, and we're not just talking sex, we're talking about your attitude, your eagerness to be there for him and build him back up after being tore down for so many years, it will require you to put forward your best effort, look your best, compliment him, help him re-find the man he used to be, the man he was before you essentially destroyed him. No home cooked meal, no clean house, no effort to help the children, can cure this pain, it has to come from you, he needs to see you want him, to see you taking care of your body, to see you choosing him for once instead of your children, friends, or family members even.


If this is something you cant or wont be willing to do please have the integrity to sit him down and tell him to his face, so that he can finally free himself of the pain by either finding someone else who will love him the way you cant, or so that he can come to the realization that the girl he married is gone and he needs to distance himself from the pain further. Please don't rationalize or underplay the severity of your marriage, you may think "well my man isn't like the rest, he still loves me just as much even if I do ignore him like this", you're only lying to yourself... He is in pain, he probably spends his alone time in despair or in tears.


It doesn't matter what the cause of your intimate rejections, whether it be tiredness, stress, children, free time, being overweight, illness or medical condition, or just emotional immaturity, if there is an issue it is your duty as a married spouse to fix it so that the pain can finally stop.

Unless you and your partner agreed to be sexless before you got married, your partner is breaking the deal they made. Withholding sex is not an accidental injury. Anyone old enough to get married is old enough to imagine how it feels to be close to someone and have them reject you. Repeatedly. And pretend there's nothing that needs to be talked about or worked out.

When you feel lonely, it's because you have been left alone. When you feel hurt, it's because you are being hurt. When you long for intimacy you don't feel, it's because the intimacy that should be there is not. Don't tell yourself you can make do without it- you can make do without clean water too, but if you're reading this on your computer you should be able to get a drink of water when you're thirsty, and if you're living with someone who says they love you, you shouldn't have to wonder if they care that you're neglected.

SEXLESS MARRIAGES USUALLY DEVELOP SLOWLY, AND HAPPEN IN STAGES:

•First phase, when one realizes that they are in a sexless relationship, they are worried. They want to fix it. They talk about it to their mate, and want to know why it happens. They both agree in getting help, finding ways to rekindle.

•Second phase, nothing changes. There are many more years of sexless living, one mate is completely fine with it, while the other is torn to pieces. This phase lasts the longest. It goes and goes until the frustrated mate can no longer put-up, or realizes life is too short to be made miserable by someone who doesn't care.

•Third phase, the frustrated mate decides to, 1) find a sex buddy who wont ignore them, 2) starts building a wall to protect their vulnerability. They retaliate, and starts living as a roommate, brother and sister, family style, 3) the frustrated partner becomes weak, starts being anything and everything just to have some intimacy. they become a sex slave. Giving but not getting back. To me, a sexless relationship is abusive like slow deaths. It isn't obvious, yet a person is trapped in the marriage because of children, and for many people sex is considered a want not need. A sexless relationship is demeaning one wanting it, it makes them feel like they are begging for attention. It is belittling their self-esteem, and mentally depressing.

Confession: When your partner withholds, after a while you give up and start doing it too. This creates the death-spiral in which both partners abandon the relationship, slink into siege mode behind the walls of their fortresses, and try to starve each other out until someone capitulates, crawling forward with parched throat on withered limbs, begging for a sip of water and a scrap of food.

There’s only one way to deal effectively with a partner who withholds from you, and it’s this: You must make it clear that the relationship is OVER, FOREVER, if your partner does not start acknowledging you and communicating. This is the only tactic that has a chance of working, because the withholding partner doesn’t actually want the relationship to end. Your tormentor is deriving too much satisfaction out of dispensing punishment and seeing you suffer. Why you might want to remain with a sadist is your own business, but if you do want to try to save it, you have to threaten to leave and be willing to make good on your word if things don’t improve quickly. And if they do improve, you have to insist that you will be out the door if it ever, ever happens again.

THE APOSTLE PAUL EXHORTED COUPLES:

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5 KJB) The reason for Paul’s abundant clarity in this message is probably because sexless marriages were an issue even back when he with writing. Paul says it as clear as possible; “If you stop having sex, make it only for a short period of time.”

Whoa. Husbands and wives, do you now see that it ain’t a game out here? Do you see why the Enemy hates marital sex as much as he does and tries his best to keep you from having it? Do you now see what I entitled this message “Sexless Marriages Are Demonic”? What does “demonic” mean? Demonic: inspired as if by a demon, indwelling spirit, or genius; extremely evil or cruel.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE STORIES FROM AFFECTED SPOUSES: 

GRACE: i spend hours weekly trying to do romantic things for my husband, i spend hours daily doing chores and errands to make sure he has no stress when he gets home from work, we go on weekly dates, monthly hotel trips to try and get him in the mood, I've begged him in tears just about every other month for the past 2 years of my need to have more sex to connect with him, every time he says he understands and will change (but does not).

Its killing me on emotionally not to feel close to the man i love so passionately, he is the perfect husband and spouse in every other way, but this neglecting is going to destroy us if we cant connect soon, i can only cry out my eyes at 3 am so many times having been shunned and denied when i try and touch him.

I understand he may have reasons to not be intimate, but what i don't understand is why he wont share them with me, or more importantly fix them!! Every day i find myself falling more and more out of love with him, I've even caught myself flirting with other guys occasionally.

ALEXIA: its torture being with the man you love, who loves you, but never shows it. YOU CAN SAY YOU LOVE SOMEONE 1,000,000 TIMES, BUT IF YOU DONT SHOW IT DAILY THE MARRIAGE IS GUARANTEED TO FAIL.

Sadly the choice to leave the hardest choice we can ever make in life, most people cant do it so they end up either cheating, or just stop loving each other. I've been married for 12 years, 10 of which have been sexless (1-2 times yearly), it never gets easier, the pain and despair never goes away, fix it now before the love dies. As much as i love my husband I have honestly hope marriage ends when we die, and doesn't continue in heaven, why would any man or woman want to remain married eternally to someone who doesn't care enough to love us back.

Trent:  It’s shaming. Sexually, she wants nothing to do with you. And she’s your wife. Your sexy, clever, smart and generous—the total package. People love you; you have friends everywhere.
It doesn’t matter. She’s not interested.

BRETT: Emotional withholding is so painful because it is the absence of love, the absence of caring, compassion, communication, and connection. You’re locked in the meat freezer with the upside-down carcasses of cows and pigs, shivering, as your partner casually walks away from the giant steel door. You’re desperately lonely, even though the person who could comfort you by sharing even one kind word is right there, across from you at the dinner table, seated next to you at the movie, or in the same bed with you, back turned, deaf to your words, blind to your agony, and if you dare to reach out, scornful of your touch. When you speak, you might as well be talking to the wall, because you’re not going to get an answer, except maybe, if you’re lucky, a dismissive shrug. And the more you talk about anything that matters to you, the more you try to assert that you matter, the more likely your withholding partner is to belittle or ignore what you’re saying and leave you in the cold.

You become pathetic—pleading, begging, literally on your knees, apologizing for everything, offering things that are distasteful to you, promising to be better, just to re-secure your partner’s affection.

Stacey: This post actually made me cry! I'm so torn apart between my love for him and being selfish in making this all about sex as he puts it. I feel I've tried everything in my power to remedy the situation but it doesn't ever get better. He keeps making these empty promises meanwhile day by day I feel like I'm dying. I'm starting to wonder if I'm the abnormal one and maybe I'm just not attractive... I feel so stuck I cry so much it's incredible spend my evenings alone while he sleeps. I've never been in such a hurtful relationship but when do I give up? To be honest the sex is not very good anyways and he doesn't care if I ****** so it's not necessarily just the sex I miss its the intimacy... I'm so lost!!!!

Richard: “I feel like I die more every day”: The “bed death” of sexless marriage is real, and it’s heartbreaking”

Kim: I was in a sexless relationship and began to feel ugly. I thought there was something unappealing about me. I’m not a nympho by any stretch, but a normal, healthy woman with a normal appetite for sex and desire to share that with my partner. However, instead of flourishing in my sexual peak, I was wilting away. It didn’t matter how many expensive haircuts, or how beautiful my clothes, I was not sexually desired by my partner. I can hardly think of anything crueler in a relationship.

SKY: You just cant force someone to love you back, you can give 110% to trying to build that connection, but if the other spouse doesn't see or feel the need to build your connection things wont ever change. You can only beg them so many times before you start feeling guilty about wanting to be intimately close with them, at some point you just feel like a pervy rapist for trying to seduce your spouse, that's when you just quit on them, that's when you die emotionally. 

part of us does literally die every day when your go through this daily. You can only tearfully communicate with them so many times until something inside you just breaks, you lose all ability to be yourself, you lose part of your personality, you're unable to focus on schoolwork or work in general. Its like a slow cancerous poison that eats away at you day by day.

Its tragic, I want to desperately to be her superman, to love her with all my heart, to serve her endlessly, to romantically surprise her daily, to meet her every need, but when that effort goes unnoticed & unreturned for 5 years that desire begins to fade.

Carol: It's just as painful for women being neglected as men, the only thing I can compare it to is toy story, when the child leaves their toys on the side on the road. All the toy can do is wonder what did I do wrong or what's wrong with me that caused him to abandon me. I'm on the verge of filing for divorce if he doesn't put in some effort to reconnect. You can only take so much pain before you mentally crack and crawl into a ball, I deserve to loved just the way I show love in return. If my needs aren't worth 15 minutes of his day he can go screw himself...

Chett: What we’re really thinking when we beg you to be intimate with us to reconnect is: is ‘Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important enough to you to change? Am I good enough?’

We usually don't realize how deeply we hurt the person we love until long after:

One of the deepest and darkest days of my life happened with a group of friends, so often we would gather and gossip about our lives, our children, and specially our husbands, one of the topics that always popped up was sex, and how pathetic men were for wanting it often. The group would take turns teasing each husband about a time they plead for sex because they wanted to get closer to us, so often the story ended in the wife ignoring him and practically making fun of him or putting him down for just being a perv.

I still remember the moment Keith walked into the restaurant to grab the keys from Shelly, we'd all been at the gym and had our cleavage showing sports bra's/shirts on. Shelly commented quietly as he walked in for us all to push out our breasts to torture him since most of us were breastfeeding and had rather large racks. What happened next broke my heart, as he approached and grabbed the keys Shelly made a snarky remark about how great we all looked and how he wished he get get some of this (knowing full well they hadn't had sex in almost a year), the look on his face as he drooped outside was one I knew all too well from my own husband, it was hopelessness, pure misery, a sadness and emptiness so bad that no spouse should ever have to feel.

I quickly crept into the bathroom stall for what felt like an hour and sobbed harder than I ever had in my life, how could I have let my marriage and my man ever feel like that alone and empty at one time? Have you ever wondered why he wont answer when you ask whats wrong? does he ever go through periods of time when he seems as if death has taken over his very soul? has he ever put in hours of effort to clean the house, surprise you romantically, only to have you take him for granted? if so you may have crushed his soul, and not known it.

Would You Marry Me If I Told You Didn't Want To Be Sexually Active? -Brett Benson-

Would you get involved with someone who told you that they didn’t want any sort of sexual involvement in the relationship?

The majority of the people to whom I have asked this question responded with a “no.” Heck, you might also have just uttered “no” under your breath behind the screen. Most people expect some sort of physical interactions along the course of their relationship. Let me ask you another question. Do you think sex is a necessity when it comes to having a healthy relationship? How long can a romantic relationship stay romantic without getting involved with each other’s body parts?

When you’re old, you look back on your younger years and it seems like you were sleepwalking. I like to think I’m a smart guy who cares about life and makes good decisions, but then how did I end up here, 30, married 10 years, have had sex maybe once a year for the past 6 years (and it should be noted she didn’t seem to enjoy even that).

This isn’t a life I wanted and yet here I am, stuck in it.

My problem is that my wife won’t have sex with me. My problem is that my wife won’t talk to me about not wanting to have sex with me. My problem is that my wife doesn’t care about being my wife anymore. My problem is that she seems completely disinterested in everything except maybe our kids (which, thank god).

Maybe women are programed to be one way when you are dating them and then when you get the house and the ring and the kids come, they don’t care about the original relationship that built those things anymore. Maybe it’s — as the internet told me — that my wife is exhausted from working and raising kids and she just can’t be bothered to care about our relationship anymore. I can respect this, I can help her figure out her life however she needs me to, that’s what a husband is for. What I can’t do is be a prisoner in a marriage with someone who shushes me whenever I bring up sex or the state of our relationship (and its been years of this, not just one day at a “bad time”).

And — the truth is, when you are a man in a marriage you are a prisoner in it because if I did get a divorce I’d lose my kids and a good chunk of my income. What then? I might find passion in my life again, but I’d be the guy my kids only see on the weekends. I can’t handle that idea.

So, what is the answer? How do my wife and I come together again? It can’t be that women just lose interest in sex once they have kids. I know some of my friends that still have a solid sex life after years of marriage. What did we do wrong? We love each other. We dated three years before we got engaged, I thought we knew each other inside and out. I couldn’t predict I’d be in a six year stalemate with her not even being able to discuss a problem.

I’ve tried bringing her flowers out of the blue, I’ve tried getting babysitters, I’ve tried wining and dining. She enjoys it, she seems relaxed, but she has no interest in even kissing. I love her and I want to be understanding, but isn’t this part of a marriage? Where did I sign up to give up part of my humanity?

I’m more or less resigned to the fact that it is too late for me. Maybe things will change when the kids get older and move out of the house. But not before then, not if the last few years have shown anything.

Recent studies have shown that couples who spend at least a few minutes a day being sexual have a 99.7 % chance of avoiding divorce... While 81.7% of couples who go an entire year without sex are nearly guaranteed to end up separating from neglect.

The only thing I can do is serve as a warning. Don’t let yourself end up like us. I can’t say I know how to avoid it, my wife seemed to enjoy sex when we met (did she? Was she just pretending?) but maybe having a conversation about it before you get serious may have helped. Or maybe this is just what marriage is and you should avoid it altogether. Make your own guesses, just don’t become me.

I have friends around me who would often tell me the reason behind as to why their relationship spiraled downhill. Guys or girls, most of them would tell me, “Once the sex became bad, the relationship also got bad.” Why is that people are so dependent on sex to make their relationship last?

While sex is arguably the highest form of intimacy when it comes to being in a relationship with your significant other, is it possible to even start a relationship with someone who isn’t the slightest bit interested in it?


Do you want to know what some of the sex-starved husbands who contact me say?
Some say they wish they weren't Christians so that it would be easier to "just leave."
Some say they feel rejected to the point that they think their wives don't even love them.
Some say they are tempted to look at porn, but they resist.  It is extremely difficult though.
Some say they do look at porn, but would rather  be having sex with their wives.
Some say they completely understand the appeal of having an affair.
Some say they stay in the marriage because of the kids.
Some say they are angry at their wives for being so careless with their marriage vows.
Some say they feel worse after receiving "obligation" sex.


Do you want to know what all of them say?
All of them say they hunger for sex that is characterized by deep love and oneness with the woman they married.
Call me crazy, but I just don't think a selfish pig would say something like that.

This piece is not meant to target anyone that likes having sex. This piece is not meant to put down those who do not like having sex. What it is, is a plea for couples to look deep inside themselves and decide now before marriage where they stand, and honestly communicate their commitment to their partner.

KEEP IN MIND... IF YOU DONT USE WHAT YOU HAVE, EVENTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE WILL...

Why The One With The Lower Sex Drive Controls A Couple’s Sex Life  -Brett & Whitney-

Has your sex life gone from a luscious rain forest of passion, hot sex, and romance, into a desert of deprived fulfillment? our sex life had, in fact it never began.


As the years went by, Whitney stopped wanting sex. She just didn’t “feel it” anymore. Eventually, months would go by and my sexual frustration would cause Whitney to offer me a mercy screwing.

Even though she was giving in, I felt disgusted, as if I was using her against her will.

She was completely checked out while I humped to the fastest and most guilt-ridden orgasm I could have.

She said she didn’t want it from me. I hated her for having to use her body to meet my sexual needs and feel closer to her, who'd have thought I would feel so terrible about simply wanting to keep my marital vows and stay close and connected. I wanted to be wanted the way I wanted her, I wanted her involvement in sex like she talked about before marriage. Her movement, her moans, her wild passion that she claimed to have bottled up.

Despite sex making me feel like gum on the bottom of a shoe, I kept asking for it. Each time, I hoped that she’d check into her erotic hotel and sex wouldn’t be so lousy.

Unfortunately, my actions taught her that I was willing to accept poor sex. That she didn’t have to offer anything more than a hole.

Whether we like it or not, the partner with the least desire for sex controls it.

This is a fact of love in good and bad relationships that no one ever mentions. We often blame desire on chemical imbalances, age, or a plethora of culturally limiting beliefs.

But most often the desire fades because partners lack the emotional strength to want each other. There is a paradox people face in relationships.

Many partners with low desire may want to be desired by their partner, but they themselves don’t want to desire their partners. Intimacy scares them. It challenges them to truly want another because wanting another person makes one vulnerable. This is the relationship paradox merry-go-round.

The closer I got to Whitney when we did have sex, the more she wanted him. The more she wanted him, the more vulnerable she felt. The more vulnerable she felt, the more she had to find flaws to create emotional distance from her desire. She tried to reject me so she would have nothing to lose.

The more she shut down her wild erotic nature. The more she distanced, the more worried I became. Not wanting to want our lover is a defensive mechanism against the past pain of wanting, caring, loving, and depending on another and not getting it.

Couples often fight over sex, because it’s far easier to fight than to want our partner. The scary truth is people who don’t want to want are unable to tolerate the vulnerability required to choose their partners.

A byproduct of a committed long-term relationship is the vulnerability of increasing the importance of our partner. Creating distance leads to sexual boredom and low desire. This is driven by two deeply ingrained fears.

Losing Your Partner’s Acceptance

No one desires to be rejected by the person they value and cherish most. Far too often spouses become “too important” for experimenting in the bedroom.

One cannot cultivate sexual novelty or explore our erotic nature when we fear disapproval. When we place our partner’s acceptance over our integrity, we limit our eroticism to ways that we know will receive acceptance.

As a result, couples experience boredom and low desire. Exploring new areas of our sexuality and hidden eroticism is far easier to try in a one-night-stand or an affair than in a committed relationship. There’s no history of who you’ve been in the past that, in your head, castrates you from showing your partner who you want to become sexually in the future. The need for acceptance limits us to the safety of our well-known sexuality.

Marriage often provides the stability many of us demand, but when we get it, we complain that things are the same. This belief comes from the greater challenge to our sense of self to change when we’re with our spouse.

When we place our partner’s importance above our relationship with ourselves, we have three choices:

1. Withdraw emotionally (which eventually leads to complete withdrawal from caring in any way for our spouse)2. Control our partner (or allow our partner to control us-encouraging intimacy, or being shot down continually)
3. Allow ourselves to grow close to others (AKA cheating or an open marriage)

The first two options avoid wanting our partner. They reduce the vulnerability of wanting rather than increasing our capacity for wanting. The last one requires us to assert our desires — to accept them — to open our naughty book of erotic desires and read it out loud to the one we care about most. A relationship is the single biggest tool for self-growth there is. But growing requires facing the fear that as we lose our current sense of self, we may lose our partner too.

Losing Your Partner Forever

As your relationship becomes better over time, the more you have to lose if you want something important your partner doesn’t. The problem doesn’t come from dependence on one another; it comes from your partner’s unwillingness to tolerate interdependence.
To accept realistic differences and vulnerabilities that all long-term relationships give birth to takes a conscious effort. To stand in the threshold between the life you’ve grown to love, and the sexually passionate love life you want.

The Romance Reboot

Often when couples hit dry patches, they seek a romance reboot. They take a vacation, buy sexy lingerie, or invest in some new toys. Vacation is an easy way to increase our sexual passion because it removes the things within our lives that define our identities.

When our sense of self is unknown in an unknown environment, we are much more willing to explore the unknown sides of our eroticism. The ability to truly “get it on” at home reflects deep personal growth rather than a change of scenery.

Low sexual desire cannot be cured with naughty lingerie or sex toys. If you want to keep desire and intimacy passionate in your relationship, your self-growth must keep pace with your partner’s increasing importance.While low sexual desire is not fun, it has a purpose. It’s a signal to both partners that the relationship is on the tipping point of growth for both partners. It’s a loud calling in the silence of sex that’s asking, “Are you bold enough to want your partner? Are you courageous enough to explore the hidden world of your uncharted erotic map with the one who means the most to you?” Low sexual desire is screaming for you to stretch yourself and your relationship. Whether you hear the call to change yourself from within, or simply “dress up” for an evening is your choice.

“Orgasm triggers oxytocin release, causing you to feel more relaxed yet energized with a clear mind,” says Dr. Jacob Teitlbaum, MD. “Sex [also] triggers the release of a growth hormone that aids in weight loss and pain relief, studies show that having sex three times a week will leave you looking up to 10 years younger,” he adds.

CLOSING THOUGHTS:

Withholding sex is not a victimless act, it not only puts the marriage at risk, but it slowly emotionally kills your spouse who simply wants to connect with you and stay close. This type of abuse can not be fixed by counseling, it cannot be fixed by ignoring it, The only option is to either divorce and free each other from the burden, or step up and take responsibility to keep our marriage vows, loving our spouse... This pain can not be understood unless it is experienced, nothing compares, IF YOU LOVE THEM, IF YOU CARE TO STAY TOGETHER, IF YOU WANT TO GROW TOGETHER A COUPLE, MAKE THE EFFORT TO FIX IT. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. “If marriage is your object, you’d better start loving your subject.”—

WHEN WE GIVE UP OUR EFFORT SEXUALLY, WE GIVE UP PERIOD... MARRIAGES CRUMBLE, PAIN TAKES OVER, ANGER BUILDS, CONNECTIONS WEAKEN, AND WE LOSE EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR. NO LOVING COUPLE CAN WITHSTAND SEXLESS MARRIAGES, NONE.


It’s about the connection sex implies. Of being wanted, desired, to be loved both mentally and physically, to be validated, to share, to connect, feel alive, be human. For Brett, as someone who didn’t have sex during my pregnancy, and still hadn’t in almost a year since the birth of our son back then. I would say the best thing for a neglected husband to do is either, get a mistress, get a divorce or put it to your wife plainly that you need attention as you can’t go on like this.

I know you love your wife very much but realize your mental health is at stake. He’d already considered suicide, lost his job and found a new one due to depression and separate rooms, and no sex made him feel worthless. What’s the point kind of thing? He gave me until summer to get myself together or we were over. Life is too short for us to live like this.

You have the power to help heal your spouse. You have the power to have the best marriage that you ever dreamed of. You have the power to have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex life with your wife. You have the power within yourself. Will you use this power? Do you want to know how?
I want to tell you that there is hope for you and your spouse and your marriage. My H and I have been reconciled for 3 years and we have a wonderful marriage now. We stay connected on every level now...mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. My suggestion would be to get a calendar and each and every time you have sex (or oral) you Put down the Letter S or O on the calendar, then once a month go back and look at the calendar. Physically seeing how often we do or do not do it will sink into our brains that we're not making our marriage a priority. You can do this too for weeks, months, years even, spouses who visually see they've met their spouses sexual needs only a handful of times in the past year tend to realize change must happen before its too late.

Healing includes regression as well as progression. Your spouse will be angry at you and they will show it. Please remember that you deserve their anger. You did this to them.

Sexologists tell us that the first stage of sexual intimacy is NOT desire. Nope. It’s arousal. That means those of us that don’t walk around steaming in desire all the time can still get aroused and enjoy the bonding that happens as a result of sexual intimacy. As we move forward in our following articles understand one thing, its purpose is arousal! when he asks you to do something to improve your ability to be aroused, DO IT! your marriage may very well depend on it.

Does she know that he’s giving up on happiness in life because of her dead weight pulling him down?

Does she know that she’s killing her husband’s self-esteem?

Does she know that she does not care about one of his deepest needs that can only be met by her and her alone?

Does she know that she’s abusing her husband, slowly killing him inside?

Does she know that he’s trying to convince himself to hold out until the child is 3 or 4 years old – something utterly ridiculous and incredulous, just so that he can save his marriage?

Does she know that her refusing to have sex with him is like him refusing to speak to her (communication is as essential to women as sex is to men)?

Does she know that she has literally broken his ability to behave and operate as a normal human being, causing him daily heartache and despair?

Does she really care that he “was sobbing” when he’s been trying to get her to understand how he feels?

The short answer?  Women like this unfortunately miss all these signs, they actually don’t care – until its too late and he’s either cheated or divorced her for someone else.

SO... HERE YOU NOW STAND HAVING ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE, REVIEW YOUR LIST, KNOWING YOU POSSIBLY DESTROYED YOUR LOVER AND YOUR MARRIAGE... BUT HERES THE KEY, WHATS DONE IS DONE, ITS IN THE PAST, WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO NOW!!!!! WILL YOU CONTINUE HURTING THE PERSON YOU LOVE MOST? OR WILL YOU CHOOSE TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE? ARE YOU WILLING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO CHANGE YOUR MIND, BODY, AND EFFORT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SPOUSE THE WAY YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD WHEN YOU SAID "I DO"? NOW IS THE MOMENT. IF NOT NOW WHEN? EVERY DAY YOU MAKE THEM WAIT IS ANOTHER DAY OF PAIN, ANOTHER DAY OF DISPAIR AND ANGER.

A Happy Marriage is based 50% off of a healthy and happy sex life:

So what happens when we take sex and oral sex off the table? our marriage is running at half capacity, or half its potential, its feeble, weak, lacks substance or potential for growth...